Written By Yetunde Arebi - Vanguard, Nigeria.
One guy said if it was true that women have sex for all the reasons mentioned, then, they have enough reasons to have sex almost every day. Another wanted to know why once married, most women lose interest in sex and all they do is find excuses for their lack of interest. He went on to postulate that if women gave enough sex to their husbands, then they would be less tempted to cheat on them. I told him I did not totally agree with that position. How does one determine the quantity of sex that a partner needs to be satisfied? Having sex with a partner every time it is demanded does not mean that the sex is satisfactory or that it will hold him down.
Even the most beautiful vaginas have been cheated on and it is hardly all of the time that sex is the reason for cheating. besides, lack of interest in sex is not limited to the female partner alone. Like it or not, men also do lose interest in sex with their partners and are partly responsible for their women’s lack of interest in sex sometimes too. I thought we could run through some of the reasons women often do not want sex; from the commonly given reasons to less talked about emotional and psychological inhibitors.
*Always, communication tops my list in all relationships. If the communication is good, the two way channels are open and fluid, there is trust and honesty on both sides, the first hurdle has already been conquered. Lack of adequate and meaningful communication is a key problem in relationships and it affects both partners. Often times, couples can’t honestly discuss their sexual preferences. A number of men force theirs on their women, while the women find it difficult to turn them down or insist on how they want the sex performed. Another common error on the part of women is that they assume that their man must figure out how to provide good sex that they will enjoy without them having to spell things out. We forget that guys are human and lack the powers to read minds.
*Medical and psychological issues may often result in loss of sexual desires. In a study carried out by Dr. Edward Laumann of the Medical Centre, University of Chicago which are published in the New England Journal of Medicine, 47 percent of women suffer sexual dysfunction compared to 31 percent of men. Also, 43 percent women reported low libido, 34 percent were unable to reach orgasm and 39 percent had vagina dryness problems. Some of the reasons listed for these include medical conditions such as diabetes, thyroid disease, anaemia, hormonal disorder, pregnancy and childbirth, menopause, hysterectomy, Vaginal disorder such as Vaginismus or Biathlon’s cysts, lack of sensation due to decrease muscle tone in the vagina, aging, obesity, or medical problems that affect the sex hormones, (estrogen and testosterone) among others. Emotional, physical or psychological issues such as low self esteem, bad body image, stressful lifestyle, depression, anxiety and sexual abuse.
Female sexual dysfunction according to Cindy Meston, a Psychology Professor from the University of Texas, is characterised by a lack of desire, libido and orgasm and it affects about one-third of women at some point in their lives. Still wondering why some women often don’t want sex?
*The psychological composition of the two sexes are quite different. Women are more emotionally involved in sex while it is more physical for men. While men think about the places to have sex, women think more about the reasons to have sex. Sometimes, if a woman is not convinced of the need to have sex, she is likely to turn a guy down. God or bad, some women think of sex as a reward versus punishment process. If the guy has been good to them, then he deserves a treat, otherwise, he can stew for a while to get his priorities right.
*This next one might seem over flogged but it is true nonetheless. The daily routine of life may sometimes be so overwhelming that sex is removed off the front burner of important issues of life.
After all, who has ever paid for goods and services with sex all the time? Even a prostitute has to part with money at some point if she wants to get things done. Pressure from work, taking care of the children and the house, financial issues and juggling to make ends meet, family and in-law pressure all can take its toll on anyone, this time guys inclusive. God forbid if there are special challenges involved, eg, a special need child, loss of job or a medical challenge. Pressure and stress from these situation often override the need for sex, which is often seen as a pleasure ride by women rather than a need.
*Sexual incompatibility is another problem. This could mean that one partner desires or need to have sex more often than the other, or one does not have need for it at all. yes, there are people who are asexual and have no interest in sexual activities. It is obvious that sexually incompatible partners will have problems in their relationship. Sometimes, a loss of affection might be a reason. A sexual relationship must be full of intimacy. There must be regular touching, hugging, kissing, endearments, gifts, (they don’t have to be expensive) dates, (even after marriage). Often times, couple simply settle into a routine after getting married. For some men, the reason could be that once the courtship period is over, it is time to settle into real life situation of home and family building, the monkey business is over. so, they no longer create time and attention to do all those things they did to woo their spouses in the first place. Women also have been known to become complacent with their men, believing that with the ring now on their finger, the man is theirs and have nowhere to go. The premarital sex and over flowing show of affection and love was to hook him to them or negotiate a ring on their fingers.
Though sex might not actually be the most important part of marriage, it is the oil that lubricates the wheel that moves a relationship and so, its importance cannot be undermined.
Sex may not become a problem until one of the partners begin to complain about it.