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Sex after forty, can it be better all the time?

Written by Funmi Akingbade -PUNCH, Nigeria

Many couples start experiencing a form of major shift sexually as age tells on them, and they get worried, discouraged and even depressed when they are becoming weaker as they age.

As men advance in age, they may experience a slower erection process. The muscle contractions during orgasm may not be as intense but they're still pleasurable. Although it generally takes longer to ejaculate, ejaculation needs not occur every time. But the benefit of this is that it helps the man to have a better staying power, which allows for more prolonged lovemaking. Also after menopause, many women sometimes find it more difficult to become lubricated. The vaginal tissue may become thin, caused by a loss of oestrogen and intercourse may be painful. But notwithstanding, many women find out they are more sensitive to touch as they grow older and are more easily aroused.
Most people who have had good sex continue to have it until they are hit by a troublesome ailment. You don't have to assume that you must give up sex as a result of age-related health problems such as arthritis, backaches, muscle pain. All you have to do is discuss any debilitating disorders with your family doctor and also a sex therapist and learn to work around them. For instance, if a wife suffers from thinning skin in the vagina due to menopause and old age, she and her husband should make sure that she inserts the penis just to avoid being hut unintentionally. If your body, energy level and interests change, don't cling to established sexual patterns. You and your spouse should experiment with new ways of satisfying each other, including new positions. A sex therapist can be helpful.
Sexual problems that occur with aging are more often psychological than physical. People think getting older isn't "sexy" or that "nobody has sex at my age."

Once you start thinking that it is inappropriate to be sexually active, you stop taking responsibility for your sex life, and you cut yourself off from the enjoyment of sex.
Many people recall their sexuality at puberty and (unwisely) use this as their sexual norm. Important: The only "norm" is whatever is right for you at a particular time in your life. Don't assume that one disappointing day means you're "too old to do it anymore" and panicking. The greater the panic, the worse it gets. Men become impotent and women are unable to reach orgasm. Result: They avoid sex altogether.

Sexual satisfaction depends on your overall relationship with your spouse and this is much more important than most couples think.
For instance, if you are bored with your spouse, it is unlikely that he/she will excite you.
If your sex life begins to falter, ask yourself why you are turning yourself off. People rarely are turned off by outside factors; they usually do it to themselves.
Good way to turn yourself on again: Make a list. Using age as an excuse to avoid facing problems will get you nowhere.

Men usually associate sexuality with strength and power. As a man ages, he perceives or imagines himself losing his strength, which he sees as a threat to his virility. (Note: Physical strength has nothing to do with sexuality.)

As a man grows older, his career may rise higher. Even if he is a terrific success, he may not see himself that way. Rather, he may feel that he is losing his power and control and worry that his wife will see him that way, too, and respond accordingly in bed.
Example: A man in his sixties complained to me of impotence. When I asked how much time he and his wife spent in foreplay, he replied that they spend ten minutes. I advised him to try at least 40 minutes. Two weeks later, his impotence was completely cured. Simply breaking the time barrier with new games had solved the problem. Do you know that mere sensual contact during the day could be helpful? One spouse can just lie back and is touched by the other but not immediately on the breasts or genitals for 15 minutes to an hour. The spouse being touched should stipulate what he or she wants in a nonverbal way. If you would like your spouse to touch more slowly, put your hand over your partner's and just take the lead, you can slow it down, switch places and take your time. Prolonged sensual touching without genital contact removes anxiety in performance. From feedback, this type of sensual contact has not only boosted the sexual confidence of many older lovers but has revived their sexual confidence and performance in the face of terrible sexual challenges. Many of these couples develop wonderful feeling about each other. Resentments and recriminations usually evaporate.

Many women face a paradox as they start to age. On the one hand, they have finally come to grips with their sexuality and desirability. They have had children, they no longer need to worry about contraception, and they experience a great freeing-up of sexual feeling. On the other hand, the aging process attacks this new confidence. Many women have complained to me that the way they look, they do not think they will be attractive to their husbands anymore, but the plain truth is that a lot of things make a woman to be beautiful to her husband more than the physical attribute. Good character, act of submissiveness, neatness, working on good manners, taking good care of the home, children, in-laws, providing wholesome meals and comfortable environment for the man, etc all have a quota in attractiveness. In fact, both men and women must learn to accept and like their bodies as they change. Look at your body, examine it, and grew comfortable with it.
Most couples who maintain their sexuality as they age don't see their partners as old, wrinkled and ugly. As they mature, they accept older models of attractiveness.
Most important: For people who love each other, the essence of the feelings that started decades ago still exists. There is still excitement between them. In a strong, loving relationship, spouses continue to see in each other that very special person to whom they were first attracted.

Couples in their 60s and 70s and older often ask me what to do about more sexual fulfilment, erectile problems and other issues that interfere with intercourse. I tell them to slow down, expand their sexual horizons, develop new sexual habits and start all over again. The goal is simply not to give up too soon. Instead of going right for sex, you should start to tease your wife. What you should do is go slowly and start to have sex, then stop. Keep doing this until she goes crazy and practically pulls you inside her. Now once you have started the thrusting in and out, it is important to change pace (and positions). Many wives moan from pain and not pleasure because they are kept on one position for long. Again, your focus as the husband is to concentrate on her pleasure and make sure she is really enjoying herself.
What really works is to build up speed, then pull back to a slow and sensual pace. Keep doing this pattern until both of you cannot take it anymore.


Questions and Answers

Why phone sex?
My husband wants phone sex, is this not out of place? This is a time in our lives we are expected to be thinking of better things and making the children's future a better one and not agitating for phone sex. I am confused.

Mrs. Hassan Mulikat
Maybe it is one of your husband's fantasies and since he is not demanding phone sex from an outsider, I think it is worth given consideration and you both can talk over it. Maybe also he is finding sex boring with you and he is looking for ways you both can revive it. If this is the case, it is certainly better than nothing.
If you do it with a good faith only with your husband, maybe over the months, you both may refine it into a very sexy art. Usually with phone sex, you begin by taking turns telling each other what you would do to each other if you were together. Where you would touch and how you would feel, then what you both would do next. Then, after arousal, how you would repeat the same act over and again. Phone sex invigorates boring sex life and immeasurably rekindles old flame of busy couples
When both of you are now physically together, it's like you are picking up from where you left off in your last conversation instead of having to get sexually reacquainted all over again. Besides, there is something about phone sex that gets both of your imaginations going. You will begin to talk about doing things to each other that you never tried before. But when you get together, you could try them. Sexy phone conversations allow couples' sexual imaginations to soar as they never had before. If one or both of you travel a lot, phone sex still gets you connected and makes you both feel wonderful.

Hypertension, medicine and sex

Each time I take some cough medication after sex, I notice that I have high blood pressure. Is it the sexual act or the cough syrup that makes me feel this uncomfortable?

Mr. Billy Emmanuel
Cold and flu medicines that contain decongestants are one of the several classes of medications that cause blood pressure to rise, with or without sex. Others include some pain relievers, steroids, diet pills, birth control and some antidepressants. If you have high blood pressure, see your doctor for advice before taking those drugs.

Talking dirty at old age

My husband wants me to talk dirty during sex. He is in his late 60s now and nothing arouses him for sex like talking dirty. Initially, I refused but I noticed that every other way to get him into the mood was fruitless. How do I start talking dirty at this age of my life? I do not want to seek sex outside my marriage. By the way, I am 52 years. If not that my love for sex is high, I would not have asked this question.

Married but not happy
Well, it is good you ask. It will at least be of help to others. Simply put, many men at this stage are looking for something new and stimulating and attractive. Talking dirty is just an act of stimulating arousal and good orgasm for some men. You can start slowly and improve on it. For instance, you can moan and let him know you like it. At times, you don't need words to talk dirty to your man. When you're making love to your man, show your appreciation with wet gasps and moans. As long as you go 'aaah' each time he thrusts you deep, it'll give him the same arousal boost as sexy talk. It's not always what you say but how you say anything sexy, so whisper it in his ears softly and breathlessly. It's not always what you say to him that turns him on, but how you say it makes all the difference. Just drop a few sexy words while biting his ear. Can you recollect any sexy incident that always turned both of you on? Perhaps, the time when he almost went for three rounds, or the last time you gave him a good blow job. Imagining and recreating a sexy memory like the first time you had sex with him or let him fondle your breasts at the same time while kissing it, it can be extremely arousing and connecting for both of you. And while doing that, you can whisper things like, 'you make me so wet, your shoulders look so sexy, it feels so big!' 'I love the way you feel inside me, Ohh... don't stop that!, this feels so good!,' It is all about keeping your home.

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