Written by Funmi Akingbade - Nigeria
One of the major challenges facing a typical today's couple is how to send the right gesture and get the best of their spouse when it comes to sexual fulfillment. As much as many couples want sexual harmony, the hold of culture, norms and tradition is a major inhibition. Do you want to put your lover in the same sexual frequency signal you are in right now? Well, it will help to communicate the fact that you want sex sooner than later to your mate, in a way that will get him or her as fired up as you are. There is one major undeniable fact, both men and women love to feel lusted after, and many get an erotic jolt just from hearing their partner confess that they are 'on heat' for their lover. Many wives are dying to hear their husbands say they look so sexy even after many child-births.
To many spouses, especially the ladies, the idea of just 'ordering' her to bed and demanding for conjugal right may drain every sexual feeling for the next few weeks. A husband that is under pressure to meet up with some official, financial, health or marital challenges may never respond to repetitive nagging from the wife over the fact that he is neglecting his sexual responsibility. A better and wiser approach can just be a whispering into your partner's ear that he or she is incredibly sexy, looking good, best wife of the year, incomparable husband and you want desperately to get him or her naked.... Just say something you are certain he or she will NEVER resist. Please don't trouble yourself thinking about how he or she would take such words. That is why you have to make it a habit to know your spouse. The better you know your partner, the more likely you will hit the right notes. Those words with well-executed touching and tantalising visual signals should be able to create a sizzling and heavy atmosphere.
Do not jump to sex immediately but watch how your partner responds to your advances. This will help give you a clue as to whether they are good to go, or need some time to get there. If they pull away or stop your hands, you know they need to be seduced more slowly. You don't have to be aggressive; seducing playfully but blatantly and deliberately can be very effective. Planning and executing sexual ambush with a loving attitude heap loads of sexual satisfaction on either party.
Many times, I encourage wives to deliberately create an avenue for easy access when they are at home with their hubby. Do not over-dress at home. Once in a while, let your nipples peek out from your bra and be revealing under your night wear in an innocent way but would be unavoidably seen by your husband. This will give any sexual encounter a more spontaneous and erotic vibe. Even if you have had sex with your spouse hundreds of time, you can still feel the newness of good sex. Husbands could encourage deep night talk or 'secret time talk; this helps to create an incredible bonding for the woman. This also helps the man to have enough time to pay more attention to the innermost feeling of the woman. By this, the man will have more opportunity to make some adjustment here and there and tap into more profound emotion.
One of the many ways of making sure your 'sex cheque' (sexual advances) does not bounce each time you present it is to be able to understand the various types of kisses and know how to apply the adequately. This has helped a whole lot of married couples. A wife feels adored when her husband plants a kiss on her hand. To her, it means 'I adore you.'
Wife, each time you kiss your husband's neck, you are saying 'we belong together and you are my everything.' When a husband wants his wife to know he is caring and he places a kiss on her forehead, he is saying 'I want you to know I am with you and we're together forever.' For either spouse, kisses can also explain your sexual intention without saying a word. For instance, when you kiss your spouse's shoulder, you are simply saying 'I want to have sex with you as soon as possible.' A kiss on the stomach means I am ready for sex. A kiss on the breast or a peck on the nipples means I feel like going on and on from the first round to the second to the third, can you roll with me?' A kiss on the navel actually means 'I want to give you a good blowjob and send your clitoris on a treat.' A kiss on the tip of the pubic hair means 'I want different varieties of dog style.' A kiss on the palm of the hands means 'I love to finger you very deep in-between sex.' A kiss at the back of the hand means 'I will be very gentle, patient and understanding with you,' 'tonight I am at your service.' A kiss all over the body is an indication that you want to have a marathon sex for days, and it's time you both have a holiday.
Questions and Answers
What is the best age for sex?
An ideal age for sex is when an individual's reproductive system is fully mature, and the reproductive organs are in proper functioning stage. However, the ideal age for sex and when one has the right to sex are two different things. A person may be physiologically and biologically ready and equipped for sex but it does not mean that the person is duty-bound to have sex, because a lot of things are at stake.
My husband seems to be scared of sex
I have a big problem at hand. Funmi, how do you deal with a situation where the man is not interested in sex? I have been married for four years now, my husband has not made love with me more than very few times. After several attempts of pleading for sex from my husband one day, l held him, insisting we have sex. But he broke the door and ran away, only to call from his office that he was on his way for a business trip. Don't you think I am in a hot soup? I know there is a problem somewhere but I can't figure it out.
Madam Sammy Sunday
You are not in hot soup but you need a way out. There is definitely a sexual problem which he had not found courage to discuss with you. The first thing you need to do is gain his confidence and ask him to discuss his sexual challenge with you. He has to be sure he can trust you. If not, he may not be able to talk with you. Until you understand, the mystery will not be unravelled. He may be having issues with sexual distraction such as being a gay. He may be a gay but forced into marriage because of parental pressure or his love for you. He may be suffering from the blast from the past or any sexual horror. He may have grown up in a setting where everything he had ever heard about sex is evil and he had already been wired not to have a feel for good sex. When he does, he will feel extremely guilty. He may also be so used to pornography that he compares his love-making with you to that of the pornography and when you both do not measure up, he sees it as a waste of time having sex with you. He may be addicted to masturbation which drains sexual strength and prevents the man from producing mature semen and sperm cell. He may be having a severe erectile dysfunction and thinks the best way to handle it is to abstain from sex. The way out is to gradually talk the man to open up. Whenever you have a chance of making love, do lots of foreplay and ask questions, let him focus and pinpoint his sensitive areas, running your hands slowly and hitting his nice spot. Encourage him to deal with his sexual addiction. One of the many challenges of a sex addict is that when they marry, they do not respect sex in marriage. Encourage him to be simply accountable to the marriage and divert his urges or see a sex therapist.
My 'endowment' is costing me a good marriage
I have never slept with any girl more than once. Most of them leave even before the act. My penis is too big that it even scares me. I even changed several schools because my schoolmates always watched me like a movie whenever I was having my bath. They used to refer to me as 'mammoth.' When the pressure to get married was on the increase, I had to plead with my parents to arrange a girl for me for a wife because this thing had battered my confidence. Though I told her I was on the big side and she said that was okay, I didn't make love with her until the wedding was over. Even afterwards, I was not sure of her response. Eventually, we have had sex just three times for the past one year and ever since, she has been avoiding me with all manner of excuses. Are you sure I am not going to lose her?
I would have loved to know the actual size of your penis. The longest or biggest penis is around eleven inches in length and five inches wide. And even at this, it can still enter any vagina whatever the size and shape maybe. What you need to do and should always do is to make sure you spend a longer time with your wife during fore-play so that she would be very wet. When a woman is very wet before sex, her vagina can accommodate any size or length of any penis, because the same vagina can accommodate the head of a new born baby. So far so good, there has not been any penis as big as the head of a baby. So lovingly extend the period of fore-play with your wife.
Insensitive bone in the neck?
My wife is currently nursing our first child after refusing me sex throughout her months of pregnancy because we had waited for eight years. Each time I approach her for sex, she is either giving one excuse or the other. Presently now, she says she has pelvic inflammation disease; so for me once again, no sex until God knows when. How long will I continue like this as she is insensitive? I love sex at all time (I made this point clear to her while we were dating) but I am constantly under serious heat with increasing voltage every moment of the day and my wife is making matter worse. Should I release the heat anywhere? Honestly, my body can't hold it any longer.
Wait a minute Mr. Robert, hope your approach and style of having sex are not the reasons your wife dreads having sex with you. Hope you too are not insensitive to her sexuality, sexual languages, sexual preferences and libidoral demands. How far have you gone into asking her whether you are satisfying her libido anytime you have sex? Or is she only to be seen and not to be heard on sex bed? Do you only care about how you 'log in and exit' (just like computer) while having sex? Besides, are you a friend to your wife? Do you both communicate well? Are you aware of issues that work against women having pleasurable sex?
The truth about pelvic inflammation disease is that it can be very painful but can be treated. Get your wife treated and while she is undergoing the treatment which may sometimes take a while, tell her other ways she could help consummate your heat and ease the voltage to present undue sexual pressure you are now. Ask her for non-sexual pleasure such as good loveplay or a blow job; this will give a momentary relief. You both can take time out to check into a hotel or guest house and relax in each other's arms and find solace with one another. This would encourage you to hold on a little while. The consequences of releasing your sexual heat anywhere could damage your entire life and your sex life. This does not promote healthy bonding, intimacy and pleasurable sexual relationship.
My man told me he notices my breasts get bigger whenever we have sex, is that possible?
If a woman has never breast-fed a baby and has not reached menopause, it is normal for her breasts to swell during sexual arousal. Certain areas on the body swell with blood when a person is aroused, and, in women, the breasts are one of those areas.
Urine sips out of me during sex
Lately, I notice that small amount of urine forcefully sips out of me any time we are having sex, especially when I am sneezing or laughing. It is becoming embarrassing because I most times wet my panties, what can I do?
Mrs Haruna Bobehu
This is called stress incontinence which is due to weak pelvic floor muscles. The weaker those muscles are, the more likely you are to have symptoms of leaking urine during physical activity, such as sex, sneezing, coughing, yawning, laughing or jumping when there is no bladder contraction. When a mother has had several pregnancies and childbirths, her pelvic muscles and tissues may have got stretched and damaged. With age, the muscles can become weakened, too; although stress incontinence is not an inevitable part of aging. Excess weight gain and daily house chores can also weaken pelvic floor muscles and cause stress incontinence. But Kegels can help. At the bottom of the pelvis, many muscle layers stretch between your legs, attaching to the pelvic bones at the front, back and sides. If you think of the muscles you would use to stop the flow of urine, those are the ones you will be targeting when doing your Kegels. Pull in or squeeze the muscles, pretending you are trying to stop urine flow. You should hold that squeeze for about 10 seconds. Follow that by a 10-second rest. How many? Try three to four sets of 10 squeezes a day. The beauty of Kegels, most experts find, is that they can be done anytime and just about anywhere — sitting in your car or at your desk or watching television or while talking on the phone. Typically, bladder control improves after six to 12 weeks of daily Kegels