WHEN a man's mind is made up to go hunting, it is almost always a done deal. He simply picks his dane gun and hunting bag, full of hunting tricks, and head out. And men are natural hunters. For them, it does not matter the contents of the pot of soup in their houses, they must still go after the game in the forest. That a man has an elegant zebra at home will not stop him from going after a squirrel in the bush.
It is the way he is wired. He loves variety and like I have been told more than once, the excitement of hunting can only be described by a man. And I heard too that that is the reason why men are not excited when women go after them. Men are not wired to be hunted, pursued. They love being the predator. You must also agree with me that if a man is a hunter, he does not really need a reason to go into the bush. So, all that talk about a man going hunting because his wife does not know how to apply make-up does not hold water. Or haven't we seen men married to beauty queens straying? But why men stray is a book I intend to write someday soon.
Today, I just want to talk about how men hide behind their professions when they need to go hunting, check their traps and so on.
Imagine the medical doctor on the day he needs to 'take permission' from his wife to go on call.
'Honey, that was the hospital again. The way this CMD (Chief Medical Director) is going, I just may quit this job. How can I be on call-duty this weekend? I was there from Friday till Monday last week. It is Dr Owutu's turn this weekend. Why is the man behaving like this, treating me like this? It's either he is trying to frustrate me or he just wants to kill me. Haba, does he not know that I have a life, a wife who needs me? I think I should just hand in my letter of resignation. I'm done…'
At this point, the unsuspecting wife tries to pacify him, calm him down, that it's just one weekend and she understands the demand of his job. She will be there when he returns and will support him to reach the peak of his career. She kisses him and sees him off to the car. And off he goes to his call duty. Oh yeah.
As for the senior journalist, he is so hardworking and productive that sometimes he slips into the reproductive mode, without knowing. In other words, our prayer for him is: Oh Lord, forgive Mr Editor for he knows not what he is doing. Whether there is breaking news or not, the day bros needs to do his runs, he makes something break or breaks something. Once his mind is made up about the new girl, then he has to put everything in place to write the full story.
Here goes his announcement: 'There is this assignment the editor gave me to do and I have been busy doing other things. Now, he is threatening to give me a query and copy the MD. I don't know why the guy can't understand that my plate is full.'
Ah, what are you going to do now? His wife asks.
'I'm to have to stay in that office until I knock out this story, otherwise there will be trouble on Monday. Fortunately, there will be some quiet at the weekend in the newsroom. I will transcribe, proofread and plan the pages so that by Monday, I can submit it. The editor has been looking for an excuse to sack me but I won't give him one and considering how hard it is to find in job in the industry right now, I'll just have to do what I have to do.'
Oole, thief! What he has to do is thoroughly do the 'front page, back page and centrespread' of his new catch. If his wife tries to check him in the office this weekend, he won't be there because the story he wants to write exists only in his head. He is reproducing not producing. He's taking his girl out this friend and pretending to be free and single this weekend.
Let's take the politician's case from another angle.
Honourable Bello is a successful politician, whatever that means. He has been around for so long that he is now a godfather. His wife of over two decades was used to his long days and even longer nights. She ha d come to accept the meetings, the endless entertaining and smiling until her make-up cracked even when all she wanted to do was crack the heads of her husband's hangers-on. She knew he went hunting sometimes. She also knew some of the women in the party also hunted him down once in a while. But what she didn't know was that there was a regular one he had installed in a cosy corner of the town. She was the one who took him to cloud nine when political heat threatened to consume him.
One night , Hon. Bello told his wife he was going for a caucus meeting. She believed him or pretended to. He went to his meeting. Two hours later, his wife called the party chairman in whose house the meeting was supposed to be taking place and asked to speak with her husband, urgently. The party chairman quickly put two and two together and told 'Madam' that her husband went to the toilet and would call him as soon as he rejoined the meeting. Chairman quickly called Honourable about the latest development. He advised him to 'postpone the meeting ' he was having in the other house. He counted his teeth with his tongue and called off his meeting. Fortunately, Abuja is not like Lagos. He got home just in time before 'Madam' could send out a search party after him.
Nocturnal meetings provide politicians' cover to go hunting or to check out their investments.
Lawyers? I'm an unlearned fellow but the learned guys have cases all over the country, meetings and briefs even outside the country. It's just that some of these cases some of the time are in certain courts where only Oga and madam argue their points vigorously until both have proved beyond reasonable doubt that justice has been done.
I hope with these few points of mine, I have been able to convince you that all men are hunters but not all of them tell professional lies.