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Jokes and Humour: Say Your Phone Number - in 9ja!

2016/2017 Jokes:
  • Say Your Phone Number - in 9ja!
  • WhatsApp Group
  • Doctor tells a story
  • Akpors Versus Teacher: Can I ask u a few questions?
  • Don't try to control your spouse. You will always lose!
  • Wise Man Vs Pin-Head
  • Drunk Driver's Offence
  • Don't make A Woman Cry
  • Beware of the Price Lure
  • Auto-maniac joke, 2016
  • BET9ja
  • WATCHING FOOTBALL with your wife can be very frustrating and stressful!
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Say Your Phone Number - in 9ja!
~Anonymous

Ask a Yoruba person for his/ her Number and you will hear:
"Sero Hate Sero, Sis Hate Sis, Tlri Hate Hlri, Sefun Sis"
(0806863876)

"Na my Heartel number be that"

AN Hausa man nko? 
You will hear:
Tzero Seben Tzero, Pipe Pipe Seben, Por Pipe Por Eleben. 
(07055745411)

Then ask an Anambra lgboman , you get this: 

Not Ate Not, Tliple Tili, Dozen Dozen Tili 
( 0803312123.....)" 
"O Number mu"
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WhatsApp Group
~Tobe Obi.

Beggar at the traffic signal:
"What sir, only N10... 
Why the discrimination sir? You gave my friend N100 at the last traffic light".

Man in the car: 

"How did u know?"

Beggar: 

"He just sent me a whatsapp message with your car no. We are all members of the same whatsapp group".
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Doctor tells a story
By OK Chuk-Wu Dibor
March 4, 2017

Guy: Doctor, My girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?


Doctor: Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carries a Gun wherever he goes. One day he took his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun,and shot the Lion,then it died!


Guy: Nonsense!! Someone else must've shot the Lion...


Doctor: Good!! You understood the Story.


Next patient please...
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Akpors Versus Teacher: Can I ask u a few questions?

~Tobe Obi.
9th February, 2017.


Teacher: Who is the president of Nigeria?
Akpors: I don’t know madam.
Teacher: U need to focus more on your studies.
Akpors: Please madam, can I ask u a few questions.…
Teacher: Yes, go ahead.
Akpors: Do u know Rita?
Teacher: No.
Akpors: Do u know Joy?
Teacher: No.
Akpors: Do u know Kate?
Teacher: (Angry) Hell no! Who are all these people and why do u ask?
Akpors: You need to focus more on ur husband.

------------------------------------------------------------


Don't try to control your spouse. You will always lose!


Anunobi Chinyelugo Alex

February 8, 2017
Anunobi Chinyelugo Alex's Profile Photo, Image may contain: 3 people
Anunobi Chinyelugo Alex
A woman went shopping. At the cash counter, she opened her purse to pay. The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse. He could not control his curiosity and asked,
"Do you always carry your TV remote with you?"
She replied " No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me shopping today because of football match, so I took the remote.
*Moral :Accompany and support your wife in her hobbies...*
The story continues...
The cashier laughed and then returned all the items that lady had purchased. Shocked at this act, she asked the cashier what he was doing. He said, "your husband has blocked your credit card..."
*MORAL : Always respect the hobbies of your husband.*
Story continues...
Wife took out her husband's credit card from purse and swiped it. Unfortunately he didn't block his own card.
*Moral: Don't underestimate the power and wisdom of your WIFE...*
Story continues...
After swiping, the machine indicated, 'ENTER THE PIN SENT TO YOUR MOBILE PHONE'...


*Moral: When a man tends to lose, the machine is smart enough to save him!*

Story continues...
She smiled to herself and reached out for the mobile which rang in her purse. It was her husband's phone showing the forwarded SMS. She had taken it with the remote control so he doesn't call her during her shopping. She bought her items and returned home happily.
*Moral: Don't underestimate a desperate woman!*

On getting home, his car was gone. 
A note was lying on the table, "Couldn't find the remote. Gone out with the boys to watch the premiership match. Will be home late. Call me on my phone if you need something".
*Moral: Don't try to control your spouse. You will always lose!*
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Wise Man Vs Pin-Head
By Prof. Ken Nwanna, Nigeria


Professor: A wise man doubts everything.
Only a pin-head is positive.
Student: Are you sure of that, sir?
Professor: Positive.
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Drunk Driver's Offence

From Anunobi Chinyelugo Alex
A woman and a man were involved in car accident.

It was a bad one, caused by the woman's reckless driving.
Both of their cars were badly damaged but amazingly neither of them was hurt.
After they crawled out of ... cars, the woman says;
“So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live
together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely damaged, but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she
handed the bottle over to the man.
The man nodded his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then
handed it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and handed it back
to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police to come and collect their
evidence."
(drunk driver's offence)
Adam ate the apple again !
Men will NEVER learn !
Women will Never change!!!
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Don't make A Woman Cry

From Tobe Obi 

Don’t make a woman cry! 

There is nothing as expensive as a woman’s tears. 
When a single drop of tear comes out, it first mixes with L’oreal Eye Liner; 7,500 Naira and Revlon Mascara; 8,500 Naira, then when it rolls down the cheek, it mixes with Estee Lauder Foundation; 11,000 Naira, Zaron Blush; 15,000 Naira and Mac Powder; 19,000 Naira.
Then, finally, when it touches the lips, it gets mixed with Maybelline Lipstick; 12,000 Naira and Avonlip Gloss; 5,000 Naira.
A single drop of a woman’s tear is running for about 78,000 Naira, so please, don't make her cry.


But you can make a man cry, it is only Vaseline; 150 Naira only

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Beware of the Price Lure



Sent by Anunobi Chinyelugo Alex (on fb)



• Big Brother Africa sponsored by Coca-Cola: *$300,000 (N48m)*


• Maltina Dance: *N10 million*
• MTN Project Fame: *N7.5million & SUV*
• Etisalat's Nigerian Idol: *N5m & multi-million Naira contracts*
• Glo Naija Sings: *N5million & SUV*
• Gulder ultimate search: *N10m plus endorsements & SUV*


BUT
COWBELL Mathematics competition: *N100k*
Lagos State Spelling Bee: *N50k*
• School scrabble: *N25k*
• Cool-FM spelling game: *A goodie bag filled with Amiladrink*
• UNN BEST Graduating Student: *N50k*
And someone is asking and wondering why there's so much failure in WAEC and JAMB ?
Soon a time will come when parents will no longer say: *Read your books and get good grades but "Read your lyrics and make a hit song!"* I pray God open our spiritual eyes to know the tricks of darkness. God Help us.
---------------------------------------------

Auto-maniac joke, 2016

From Anunobi Chinyelugo Alex

A girl asks her father, "Dad, there is something that my boyfriend said to me today, that I didn't understand. He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely headlamps, soft looking airbags and a fantastic bumper!" Dad quickly answered and said, ''Listen carefully girl, and go tell your fucking weed smoker stupid boyfriend that if he dares opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dip-stick, I will violently pull down his crankshaft so hard until his ball-bearings pop out of their sockets and he will start leaking oil and other fluids out of his rear exhaust pipe!

-----------------------------------------------


BET9ja


Me:   Dad the N30,000 you send me for fee, i used N10,000 to bet
Dad: What? 

        Stupid child I have been warning you. You never listen to my words
Me:  (interrupting) But...
Dad: But what?! You are a stubborn boy, why can't you be like your other brothers and sisters.
Me:  Just wanted to inform you that I won N7,000,000 (7 million Naira)
Dad: Chineke Miee! My son I told you, you are stupid. Why did you use only N10,000 to bet when I                sent you N30,000 eh? We could have been talking about 21million now.
        I love you My son.

        Omekannaya,...
-----------------------------------------------

WATCHING FOOTBALL with your wife can be very frustrating and stressful!

From Frederick Ifeanyi Obiajulum Adigwe



Wife: Dipo, who's that guy? Is that Chris Brown?

Husband: Chris Brown bawo? No na, that's Theo Walcott!!
Wife: Hey! What's that yellow card for?
Husband: It's a warning to a player; and red means the player must stop playing and leave the pitch.
Wife: Ohhh! It's something similar to a traffic light: Yellow - warning, Red - stop. Husband: Yeah, yeah sure.. You are right!!
Wife: What about the green card?
Husband: Ohhh! there's nothing like that in football.
Wife: Which teams are these?
Husband: Which kind wahala be this na?!! God! It's Arsenal and Chelsea. What again?!
Wife: Ok ok ok! What colour is Arsenal putting on?
Husband: You no get eyes? No be red jersey be that?
Wife: Ok.. which team is putting on blue?
Husband: (upset)... Omg! Haba! Wetin na? Don't you know it's Chelsea?
Wife: Hen hen? Wow! I want Arsenal to win the world cup.
Husband: Wetin concern Arsenal with world cup? Where you from sef?
Wife: Take am easy na! Pls who's that old man?
Husband: Hmmm... that's Arsenal's coach, Arsene Wenger.
Wife: Oooh Ok..... I understand now. Sooo that means the other coach is Chelsea Wenger?
Husband: Chai!
Wife: What's the score now,
Husband: Just 1 - 1
Wife: Who's having 1, who's having the other 1
Husband: You are silly. Wo, arabirin free me jare!!
(Changes Channel to Africa Magic & leaves the house for a viewing center nearby!)....
Wife: (Smiling to herself) If I don't do that, I won't be able to watch my favorite Telemundo.


2 comments:

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