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What can hurt your sex life

Written by Funmi Akingbade
Phone: +234 8096762941, +234 8029593116
~Punch Nigeria. Sunday, November 6, 2016.
Funmi Akingbade

Many of our readers have been sending countless questions to us wanting to know if there are other things that can hurt their sex life apart from bad addictive habits and some common illnesses that have been mentioned on this platform.

Do you know that being mere can hurt a couple's sex life? As simple as being over excited may look or appear, when married couples are not very mindful of this act, they are unknowingly destroying their sex bed. I am sure many of our readers may think this is not so. But do you know that sometimes, when men are overexcited about having sex, they totally forget about the needs of their wives. And what happens is that, during sex, the husband clumsily squeezes the wife's breast.

The point is that during intercourse, the wife is not warmed up and therefore does not enjoy sex as much as the husband. This action hurts couple's sex life and before you know it, the unsatisfied partner is either not showing interest any more or looking for sex elsewhere. So, husbands, go down on your wife like you mean it! If you want her to enjoy sex, then you neted to enjoy performing oral sex on her. Just like nothing is sexier to many husbands than wives giving them a blow job, nothing is sexier to many wives than a husband who enjoys giving oral pleasure. Documentation shows that only about 25 to 30 per cent of married women orgasm or reach climax through sex and most of these women need and likely want clitoral stimulation in addition to sex. I tell men that when you are through, still go down on your wife. You will be surprised to see another side of her, try it tonight. When you roll over after sex and tell her, 'sorry dear, it's just too hot, or I am so tired from office work, or don't worry, next time I will make out time, then you keep a foot of distance between you and her.

Maybe you chat with her a bit before falling asleep. She is noticeable annoyed and it will backfire sooner or later. Even if you are not someone who likes to touch after sex, you just must learn how to. You can start off small and make some kind of physical contact a normal part of your after-sex routine. Scratch her back for a little while and lay a little closer than normal. Once you have scratched her back for a while, move to a closer touch. Cuddling after sex will bring the two of you closer together. One of the most successful marriage relationships has been linked to bonds created after sex and cuddling. According to research, the way you approach your partner after sex is really important to how you approach your relationship in general. When you and your wife barely experience spark after sex, it could hurt your sex life.

Another thing that can hurt couple's sex life is when they fail to identify their own specific style of sexual satisfaction. Please note that not every style, every fantasy, every erotic manual works for every couple. Each couple must recognize and enhance what works best for their sex life. Failure to do this will either put your partner in a state of pretense, compromising, tricks, fabrications and lies or loss of interest in sex. Many married couples are under the false mirage that every other couple seem to be climaxing and having orgasms all the time from whatever type of sex they're having. Well, when you are fed with such diet by watching porn stars and when your real life doesn't match, you think maybe something is wrong with you or your spouse.

Real-life sex can almost never measure up to the passion portrayed on the screen, such people don't talk about the fact that it's likely that in an odd position, you'll pass gas or the love of your life will take you in his arms and have bad breath. Sex in the real world isn't perfect and it doesn't always end with an earth-shattering climax. But it doesn't have to end up with a graveyard experience either. Good sex doesn't necessarily have to be about an orgasm. It can just be an emotionally fulfilling experience between committed couple, who have discovered their unique style and taste, and are most comfortable with such. Couples also need to understand that even when everything else in the relationship is working, sexual styles aren't always compatible. Most wives like long foreplay sessions. Most husbands are ready to go in an instant. Some partners long for wet, sensual kisses. While others prefer dry, chaste pecks. Sex may not just be naturally perfect. There is the energy of a new relationship of the couple or distance spouse that everything about such sex is very passionate and highly erotic; talk about the excitement, the eagerness but it has its negative side which is that most times, spouses bump noses or knees or you are just very clumsy about some stuff because you just haven't learned how to dance together yet.

But even long-term couples can struggle in the bedroom also. Though we can easily tell our partner what underwear we'd like him or her to wear, or what we'd like to cook together for dinner, but these same long time couples tend to get tongue-tied when it comes to the topic of sex and maybe some new ideas. Couples sometimes tend to be very sensitive when it comes to talking about sex. They're afraid of hurting their partner's feelings, so they don't tell them what they like or don't like. But you're not going to get it unless you ask for it.

So how do you tell your partner what you want without bruising his or her ego? I think it's really in how you bring up the statement, 'I would love it if we…' or, 'Could we try this?' You don't want to make them feel bad about what they've done or haven't done.

You can have the conversation whenever and wherever it's most comfortable for you. But before you talk, you need to know exactly what it is about your sex life that bothers you. Is it a question of technique, personal hygiene or timing? Once you know what isn't working for you, go ahead and be smart about it. There are things you can suggest that can mitigate those circumstances, for example, if something about your partner's smell is turning you off, suggest taking a bath together before making love. If you crave more foreplay, ask for slower sequence to sex.

Sometimes, what can hurt our sex lives could be some unknown physical conditions, such as premature ejaculation. Or it may be that the stress from your job is bleeding over into the bedroom and disrupting your sex life.

Many married couples suffer from high cholesterol and because this illness does not show any signs or symptoms of sickness, many spouses suffer unknowingly from its negative effects. It has been discovered that high cholesterol in the body can slow pelvic blood flow, making it harder to get aroused and to have a satisfying sex. This has nothing much to do with men alone; both men and women are at risk of high cholesterol. Cholesterol narrows blood vessels everywhere from the heart to the pelvis. In men, erection problems can even be an early warning sign of heart disease. If there's too much LDL in your blood, it can gather on the walls of your arteries, forming plaque. This buildup narrows and stiffens the arteries – putting you at risk of a heart attack or stroke.

Many thin couples think because they are paper weight, they do not need to think about cholesterol. Even if you're rail-thin and super-fit, your genes and what you eat can get you into trouble. That's why it's crucial to have your cholesterol checked regularly, starting in your 20s. You should know about any family members who've had heart problems, too.

Most husbands have problems of high cholesterol than wives because men have cholesterol trouble earlier than women. This is because the hormone that causes a cholesterol "age gap" between men and women is estrogen. This female hormone lowers "bad" cholesterol and raises "good" cholesterol. It's not enough to make up for bad eating habits, though, and after menopause, women lose their advantage.

Cholesterol over the years has been only associated with fatty foods. Well, as much as this is the truth, it is not the whole truth, because most of the waxy substance in our bodies is made by our own bodies and not only from food we eat. The liver produces 75 per cent of the cholesterol that circulates in our blood. The other 25 per cent comes from food. At normal levels, cholesterol actually plays an important role in helping cells do their jobs. But cholesterol levels are precariously high in more than 100 million Nigerian couples, hurting their sex lives.

High cholesterol does not cause any symptoms. But it does cause damage deep within the body. Over time, too much cholesterol may lead to a buildup of plaque inside the arteries. Known as atherosclerosis, this condition narrows the space available for blood flow and can trigger heart disease. The good news is high cholesterol is simple to detect, and there are many ways to bring it down. Remember, several factors that can make you more likely to develop high cholesterol include a diet high in saturated fats and cholesterol, a family history of high cholesterol, being overweight or obese and getting older.

Happily, healthy habits to better your cholesterol levels will definitely improve your libido, too. That means exercising, eating right and maintaining a healthy weight. Keep trans fats consumption as low as possible by limiting foods that contain synthetic sources of trans fats, such as partially hydrogenated oils and by limiting other solid fats. For example, replace foods that are higher in solid fats (e.g., red and processed meats) with choices that are lower in solid fats and calories and/or are sources of oils. These include seafood, legumes (beans and peas), and nuts, seeds, and soy products, as well as lean meats, poultry, and eggs. Couples need to also cut saturated fat, slim down.

Lifestyle changes can get your cholesterol levels moving in a better direction — and the most powerful combo is to eat less saturated fat, avoid trans fat and a healthy weight. Quitting smoking can bump up your "good" cholesterol — and lighten the load on your heart in many other ways, too.

Watch out for trans fat because it sends both your good and bad cholesterol levels in the wrong direction. Trans fat is mostly used in baking foods, snack foods, shortening, margarine and fried foods. Check the ingredients and what you eat, partially hydrogenated oil is another name for trans fats.

As a matter of fact, a healthy cholesterol level is good for your brain as well as your heart. High cholesterol can lead to strokes, as well as mini-strokes you might not even notice. Over time, these mini-strokes can cause memory and thinking problems that affect daily life.

One other thing that can hurt sex is when couple always fake sexual enjoyment, fake orgasm, fake pleasure. If you're faking it, you're doing yourself a disservice because you're not learning what turns you on. This eventually takes a toll on the sex bed because sooner or later, your spouse is going to realise that you're always disconnected. Instead of faking sex, begin showing appreciation by just touching him or her here and there, then let your touches gradually intensify and then openly whisper some sincere and honest verbal appreciation; the trick of this action is that your spouse will automatically respond and start appreciating you in return. When our spouse feels appreciated, it tells on our personality and this encourages us to be more relaxed and at home.

When we feel appreciated, our marriage also benefits from it. This makes us feel sexy and encourages regular sex with our spouse. Having regular sex with our spouse shows we find our spouse sexy and irresistible and finding your spouse irresistible is really good for every marriage relationship. When we find our spouse irresistible, it brings a much-needed spark in our marriage.


Is it normal to rub her feet and not her back?
My wife's way of really having the best of foreplay and sex must include massaging her feet. If I want to get the best of sex from my wife, she will always suggest I rub her feet alongside rubbing other parts of her body. Even when I have done justice to her breasts, nipples and clitoris, I must caress her feet. This worries me a bit, is it okay? Or are there spiritual implications to this action? Because the way it goes is that as soon as I begin rubbing her feet, she will be rubbing my head. I am beginning to wonder if she is not using this scene for juju. Please help me.
Jalade Josey

Well, Mr. Jalade, we are in times and age when couples are constantly being exposed to all forms of sexual awareness. The singular reason your wife will always advocate you rubbing her feet more and also including it in your foreplay is simply because there are thousands of nerve endings in the human sole that stimulate the entire nervous system. What I perceive here is that maybe along your time of foreplay, she has discovered that this simple act helps her to either be in the mood or stimulate her or help her to get into orgasm fast, hence she always requests for it. I do not think it has anything to do with juju or spiritual connotation. Her rubbing your head in return shows she is not only enjoying it, she is fully participating. And also for your information, that is a romantic way women appreciate their husbands. They rub the head more than any other part of the body. What I would suggest is get good lubricant and smear your hands with it. After softening your hands with massage oil, massage each foot, then slowly move up to calves. Massaging her muscles is also important if you desire to get her in the mood. Using the heels of your palms, apply pressure on her muscles. Ensure you roll your fingers back and forth while you move your hands up and down her muscles. Do not forget to pay attention to the top part of each muscles where it meets the bone, then go upwards to her tummy and breast and nipples. She will keep screaming for more.

Is this right?

I have been dating this guy for over seven years and he keeps on promising marriage and pleading with me to wait. My fear is that from all indications, he is not just ready for marriage because all the reasons he gave for delays have been sorted out, yet nothing is around the corner. On three different occasions, we chose date for the court wedding and on those occasions, he forgot outright. Do you think I should keep waiting?

Lady Queen Asofon

No!! Read in between the lines. Ideally speaking, courtship or dating is an avenue for two people who fancy each other and want to eventually end up married, to come together and see how compatible they are before they take the final step. But that isn't always the case. Sometimes, you find that some men hide under the pretext of courtship to deceive and exploit unsuspecting innocent women. They see a good woman, promise her heaven, string her along for years, and then, eventually dump her when they are actually ready to get married; leaving the woman stranded, heartbroken and dejected. So, I feel that prolonged dating or courtship is overrated, and should be avoided by women who actually have plans of getting married.

I said this because from experience, I know that most men know where you fit in their life plans from the first time they see you. The first impression always matters; this is no lie. When you meet someone for the first time, you almost certainly leave that meeting with an impression of them, so most men have an idea of the type of woman you are (good or bad, slutty or decent) and whether or not you'll fit into their future marriage plans from the first time they spend time with you. Of course, the first time wouldn't be enough for him to understand your whole person, but it'll be enough for him to make an assessment of you. When you meet a decent person, you know in an instant, so when some men say they want to court a woman for as long as seven years or more so they 'know her very well', I think it's quite ridiculous, and nothing but an excuse to continue to string her along and use her as a free sex giver. Except there is no sexual involvement and there are genuine reasons for the delay, no man needs to be with you for many years before he can tell whether or not you're his kind of woman.

The truth of the matter is, some men don't want marriage, they want sex. More than half the population of men who get into a relationship do it solely for the sex, and not marriage or companionship as they tend to make most women believe. They know that some women are vulnerable and desire those things, they lie and give them the impression that they actually plan to get married to them in the near future, thus tying them down and stringing them along for as long as they find them sexually valuable. This is how most women have missed out on opportunities that could have led to something more real with genuine men.

Even when he says it's because he wants to know you better, several years of dating is no guarantee you'll really understand yourselves. The major purpose of dating and courtship is to learn and understand the type of person you plan on spending the rest of your life with. But then, you cannot dispute the fact that you may not be able to achieve that purpose successfully even if given 10 years, and the reason is simple; some people are very good at pretence. Some can hide their true personality away from you until after marriage, so you wouldn't be able to tell what their flaws and inadequacies are during your dating period. So, the success of a marriage is not a product of how long you date each other.

Finally, I want to state categorically that successful marriages aren't built on prolonged courtship or dating. It is instead a product of true love and how mentally mature both parties are for the experience called marriage. A man and woman who love each other very well, and know the importance of sacrifice in preserving a relationship do not need to court for years before they get married, because those are not values you learn together with another person, but by yourself. Marriage is about learning to love the imperfections of the person you feel strongly drawn to. It goes beyond sex or making children; it goes beyond hanging out. It is about friendship and companionship; so, ladies do not allow any man to turn you into a sex toy that he'll eventually dispose off when he gets tired. Be wary of men who want to keep you in a relationship for very long without showing any evident signs of changing because some of them have different interest from yours.
This is a true confession of an ex-masturbator

You've probably read many posts that told you that there is nothing wrong with jerking off. In fact, most people would tell you that you stand to gain more from engaging in the act than not. The truth remains that as 'harmless' as it seems, masturbation has the tendency to expose you to serious dangers, both physically and emotionally, like it did to me. Masturbation can ruin your relationship and marriage. When you masturbate too much, you get addicted to it over time; you tend to even like it more than real sex, thereby harming your sex life with your spouse. There's also the possibility that your partner wouldn't be comfortable with the thought that they're seeing someone who prefers pleasing themselves than to be with them. 

It can hurt your social life. People who masturbate so much rarely spend time with other people. They'd rather be alone, as it affords them the opportunity to do whatever they want. And when they manage to mingle, they make abrupt exits. Masturbation can make your penis look awful. The more you masturbate, the more you subject your penis to stress, and over stretching, and that would cause it to have more veins on it and drops. Not too many women find a vein-filled dropping-skin penis attractive. It's been medically proven, and there have been stories about men who suffer premature ejaculation because of excessive masturbation, like I did. Then as a woman, you risk getting infections when you masturbate. Due to the nature of the female organ, it's easy for one to get an infection if the object or finger being inserted in there isn't germ- free. If you masturbate as a virgin, you can lose your virginity. You don't want to do that, trust me.

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