Written by Bunmi Sofola
~Vanguard Nigeria. Friday, January 6, 2017.
Have you ever woken up the morning after some mind-blowing sex and think: "Why did I tell him all that stuff while we were cuddling last night?" Apparently, you're not unique. Recent research shows that women who had an orgasm disclosed more of their positive thoughts and feeling about their partner afterward than those who didn't climax-and they don't feel as if they're taking a risk by doing that. Blame it on your brain chemicals making you feel trusting.
According to experts, an orgasm triggers the release of oxytocin, the feel-good neuro- chemical that also makes spooning (lying front to back with your partners) feet amazing. "People get loose-lipped after an orgasm because the oxytocin makes them think it's the right time to say gooey things," explains author Amanda Denes. "In serious relationships, a little sappy gab might not be a bad thing, but in casual situations, it's sort of a mixed bag. Professing your love to someone you've been seeing for a few weeks could scare him away, but it could also help take things to the next level. So when in doubt, err on the side of taciturnity and see if you still feet like spilling in the morning."
Deep down, we're all animals in bed. After all, sex is an extremely primal act, and when we use our verbal human brains to talk about it-it's clear that the tongue and the groin are linked (in a much less graphic way that you readers are picturing right now!) "Language communicates not only information but also meaning, feelings and symbols of internal realities," says Amanda Denes. "We can use it to make sex better in a mechanical, instructional sense, but it also makes the act more meaningful." In fact, a few choice words can set off the arousal response as swiftly as a sensual touch -especially in women who are more turned on by ideas than by visuals. But an off-colour or way-too-raunchy phrase from a man in your bed can turn you off just as quickly."
When Annie, a banker met Herbert, one of her bank's directors at the bank's award dinner, she was impressed by this sophisticated and powerful man sitting across her on their table. "I've always been drawn to powerful men," she confessed, "and Herbert was the type of gentleman that often attracted
Weeks later, we hooked up in one of the bank's guest rooms. He was married and I wasn't looking for a permanent relationship. I just wanted fun!
"He was adept at touching the right buttons and in minutes, we were writhing on the bed. Then I heard this sergeant-major-like barking ordering me to: 'Don't just groan, tell me how you're feeling. Tell me what I'm doing to you and what you really like…. ' On and on he went. It was a shock. What the hell was wrong with him? When I looked at his face, his eyes were bulging. He looked more of a rapist than a man having consensual sex. I was a bit embarrassed afterwards but he seemed to be pleased with his performance.
That was the last time I went out with him."
No one has the blue-print for a happy-ever-after relationship, but there are guidelines I have picked up along the line that could help. One of them is to take your time. The foundations for a lasting love life are set at the start of your relationship.
Take time to get to know your partner physically. Make it a mission to find new erogenous zones and give them pleasure in new ways. Try new things.
Don't get lazy: Sex can get into a rut, so make a pledge to try something new every month, check out new sexual positions; choose a different pattern of foreplay or bring some sex toys into the bedroom. Keep it fun. Bring a sense of humour into the bedroom. Play games, explore your fantasies and role-play, keep a spirit of adventure.
Make time: All this playing around requires time, so give it the space it deserves. Don't wait for just before you fall asleep-treat yourself to a full evening in bed.
Respect each other: There will be time when one person wants sex less than their partner. This can be frustrating if you're losing out but it's important to respect your partner's view and not to put them under too much pressure. Stress lowers libido, so when problems get back to normal, so will your sex life.
Keep intimate: Even during times of stress, when you're not having sex, it's important to stay intimate. Show your love and commitment through hugs, cuddles and getting close. Share the hard times-secrets can breed resentment.
Support one another.
Adapt: As you grow older together, adapt your sex life to suit changing your home or work life. Children or ill health can impact on a relationship but you can get through it with a bit of imagination.
Temptation: If you find your eye wandering, remember the grass may appear greener else-where but usually isn't.