Written by Funmi Akingbade
~Punch Nigeria. Sunday, August 13, 2017.
Why do you lay so much emphasis on sex and sexuality? From my opinion, I think sex is a basic thing; why give so much attention to it?' This was a question I was asked while I was in South Africa giving a talk on sex and sexual health matters.
The first big misconception many people have is thinking that sex is basic and natural and should not be learnt. It is as a result of this discourse that sex education has long been obstructed as if it is not necessary to understand the mechanisms at which it works. Then again, this has caused a lot of damages to many homes.
In reality, sex is cultural; it is the fruit of a learning process and it is something we all have to learn. Until we start learning, we might not be able to unravel the mechanism behind the female's sexuality or the way the erection functions.
As such, today, we want to see seven ways couples can enjoy instant raging passion by being able to differentiate various types of libidos. I would advise you read this together with your spouse, so that both of you can find out which area you fall into.
So, let us look into the arousal types of libidos.
Number one is the sensual libido spouse. This is a spouse who wants sex to be emotional, connecting and superficially physical. The spouse cherishes love play more than the actual sexual acts. This category of spouses is more of introvert lovers than extroverts. Bu the erotic libido spouses are spouses who want sex to be intense and passionate, at least some of the times. They want to explore all the wondrous varieties of sexual activities that are available. Though they can cope with periods of ordinary sex, there are regular opportunities for adventurous and sizzling sex. If you have a strong erotic libido, you get little or no pleasure from low key sex and this might cause problems in the relationship, because your partner might start feeling the pressure to perform at great heights all the time, which is never good.
The second category is the dependent libido spouses and they are spouses who need sex to cope with problems.
Sex soothes them and makes them feel better. They are more sexually active when they have to deal with bad feelings such as stress, boredom or anxiety, pressure, loss of loved one, when they are sick or troubled. When such spouse does not have an understanding partner, the relationship is always under undue pressure because in such cases, if your partner doesn't want to do it when you want because you are in an emotional state, you might tend to interpret it as lack of love and care. It would look like she or he is refusing to give you the medicine you need to... feel better.
The reactive libido spouses are spouses who care more about the sexual needs of their partner.
They sometimes even end up ignoring their own desires if they feel they are not what their partner usually enjoys. These spouses put a lot of effort into foreplay and can only orgasm once they are sure their wives have.
The third category is the entitled libido spouses and these are spouses who assume that it's their God's given right to get whatever they want in their sexual relationship, regardless of the feeling of the other partner. Their mindset is, 'If I want hot steamy sex, I should be given the opportunity to have hot steamy sex and if on the contrary, I want cuddling, my partner should provide me with just that.' This category of spouses is very influenced by the ideas of sex in movies and books and they think they are entitled to have the same great sex as they watch on the screen.
The fourth category is the addictive libido category. Even though this is a destructive type of libido, spouses with this type believe that until they have sex outside their matrimonial bed, they are not having the best of sex. Their problem is that they can't seem to resist the urge of having sex outside their relationship. It's not as if they don't love and cherish their partners, it is just that they are constantly craving for more elusive sex. These spouses are filled with the mirage that marital sex is boring compared to the dangerous allure of doing it with a complete stranger or animal. Like any addiction, you are the one that controls the behaviours and not vice versa. So, instead of destroying your relationship, family, marriage and life, make up your mind to live clean, have a positive mindset towards the best things in life.
The fifth category is made up of the stressed libido spouses. Such spouses are always on their toes, constantly worrying about their performance and about whether what they are doing is pleasurable or not. They tend to avoid having sex for fear of failure, even though they might still be very aroused. In fact, they kill their sex life before its actual death. These are the people who worry about no or low libido, erectile dysfunction and so on. But if you can take this unnecessary worry off, you can enjoy the sexual pleasure wholeheartedly.
The disinterested libido spouses are in the sixth category. These are spouses with naturally low libido. They practically have no physical or emotional problem with having sex; they just seem not to be in the mood. If you're one of those, you might develop feelings of guilt and defense because you're not able to satisfy your partner. However, you must accept that you have not chosen to be a disinterested libido type. But for the sake of your spouse, you must learn the act of building your libido just as when people go to the gym to build up their body muscles.
The detached libido spouses are spouses who usually feel sexual desire but are too preoccupied with other life issues to seek marital sex. Being overwhelmed by financial or work pressure, you might think that sex is the last thing on your list right now, but be aware that this attitude does more wrong than good to the relationship.
The compulsive libido spouses are spouses who have one main sexual body object or image object that triggers their sexual arousal. That is, a particular feature or shape or image in their spouse's body is the only thing that will arouse them. For such people, just mere looking at the nipple of their spouse or the smell of their spouse's underwears or the shape of their spouse's vulva or penis or their spouse's moaning or the colour of their spouse's underwear, could trigger their arousal.
The final category is people with no libido at all. This category may also have spouses who previously had good or enough libido for satisfying sexual relationship but along the way, some illness or aliment that were either not well treated medically, eventually had an effect on their libido. Such ailments include mumps, which is in most cases, a childhood infection. This infection is usually a virus infection which most of the time, has no medical cure, and as such, treatment is being given according to the symptoms it presented per time. When a male child is not well protected against these mumps infection, the resultant effect is usually that the virus would spread all over the body and would damage the testicle, scrotum of the male child. Unfortunately, the damaging effect is impotency. Sometimes, erectile dysfunction does not usually present itself until when the man is an adult or a young adult. And one of the ways the man feels the effect is when he doesn't have a feel of libido at all.
Questions and answersWhat would you classify as a healthy sexual life for couples?
A healthy sexual relationship is different for every couple because every individual has different sexual needs. While the activities involved in each sexual relationship can vary widely, in general, " healthy" sex should encompass the following: Both married partners should feel equally pleased with the activities. Neither spouse should feel forced into doing something they don't want to do. Each spouse should be given the privilege and right to say "no" to sex when there is an understandable, genuine reason. Couples should give mutual respect before and after sex to one another. Neither party must suffer a loss of self-esteem. Trust and openness should exist about sexual history and current activities.
I developed a smelly discharge after being molested as a teenager
I was molested by my step dad while I was a teenager, shortly after which I developed a smelly discharge that occurs in spite of treatments over the years. I notice habitual pains in my clitoris and I have not been sexually active. What can I do?
Clitoral pain can result from damage or injury to any of the structures of the vulva (external genitalia), including the inner and outer labia, the vaginal opening and the clitoris. The symptoms may be constant or variable and may improve or worsen with movement or sexual activity. Clitoral pain may be described as a raw sensation or a burning, itching or stinging feeling that ranges in intensity from mild to severe. Sometimes, pain perceived in the clitoris is actually pain that originates from injury, disease or infection elsewhere in the vulvar region. Pain and discomfort in the vulva (vulvodynia) is a common cause of clitoral pain, as are skin irritations from rashes or household chemicals. Recurring infections or cancer may also cause clitoral pain.
In other cases, clitoral pain may be related to a chronic underlying disease that affects other regions of the body. Other causes of clitoral pain include vaginal yeast infections and sexually transmitted diseases. The duration and cure of clitoral pain vary widely, depending on the cause. Symptoms caused by injury such as those following sexual abuse, often have a sudden onset. In other cases, clitoral pain may come from an infection that may develop slowly and persist or worsen over time. Clitoral pain alone is rarely a serious medical condition; however, it may be associated with symptoms of a serious medical condition.
Our discussions about sex is short and not too deep
During the six years of our marriage, our sex life has not been okay. My wife never seems that interested and I sometimes struggle with my self-worth when she turns me down. Our tÃªte-Ã-tÃªte about sex is short and not too deep, because she feels uncomfortable with the subject. Now I have resolved to just go out and pay 'call girls' to satisfy my urges; am I being unfair. I think this is better than having an affair because I do not want to destroy my marriage.
Sometimes I wonder if wives really understand how intense their husband's sex drive is or how intrinsic a man's sexual fulfilment is to his self-acceptance and ego. This is the primary reason for this column, actually; the articles here are dedicated to couples in order to educate and instruct them on how best to discover their spouse's sexual languages. It is also an erotic guide for couples seeking to heighten their sexual satisfaction. However, going out to have sex with different types of 'call girls' is like sweeping the dirt under the carpet; it still would not make the marriage work. I have some few insights that could help you. First, remember men and women are different. If your wife has your testosterone levels, she would be a lot more interested in sex. You can give her a copy of my book, 'Sexual intimacy in marriage' as a gift. Ask her to read and discuss the book with you. Helping her understand "normal" male sexuality will take you further than visit to 'call girls'. At the same time, you can learn more about female sexuality. Your letter indicates that your wife may have some fears regarding sex. Perhaps one or two counselling sessions with me in my office would draw out her feelings in this regard. Many couples have taken this option with incredible result; no man is an island as we gain knowledge we get better by the day. Second, learn how to touch your wife's "buttons." The most effective way to enhance a woman's sexual responsiveness is not "sexual" at all (especially not genital). For her, sexual intimacy blossoms from a sense of relational intimacy, connection and emotional safety. Without these as a foundation, sexual vulnerability is frightening. I have often heard a wife say that getting a glimpse into her husband's life makes her want to get closer physically. Does your wife know you in the real sense of it? Third, do not anticipate a sudden, miraculous transformation, but look for gradual growth. For typical Nigerian wives, talking about the specifics of sex face to face may be too intense or embarrassing, therefore reading my book together is a good, nonthreatening first step. You might also try watching educative sex films together. Remember you won your wife's heart once. I bet you can do it again!
If a man has a shrinking penis and releases prematurely, can he get a woman pregnant?
I am not married but I read your column like a textbook. Please if a man has a shrinking penis and releases prematurely, can he get a woman pregnant? My penis shrinks by the day and this gives me a lot of concern. Is the woman's clitoris a small penis? In addition, are smaller nipples less sensitive?
Yes and no, if a man has a shrinking penis that erects when excited and during thrusting in and out, he can get a woman pregnant any time of the day because the testes produces sperm cell; the scrotum stores the sperm cell, while 'the shrinking but erected penis' helps to discharge the sperm, penis conveys sperm to its destination. However, when the penis is weak, shrinks and at the same time prematurely releases sperm, with such penis, I am afraid, the chances may be 50-50. To prevent shrinking penis, reduce your weight, reduce intake of sugar, synthetic food items and practice Kegel exercise daily. In addition, for the premature ejaculations, go for the great Cialis [36-hours-of freedom]. This drug has been a wonder to many. Lastly, in the uterus, the clitoris and the penis are made from the same tissue and all foetuses start with something clitoris-like until the male's babies grow a penis, smaller nipples have the same number of nerve endings as larger ones.