Search this Site and the Web.

2012 Hot Jokes!

A huge bush meat
By The Incredible DJ Mike Williams.

A man was traveling in his car along Ughelli-Asaba express road. He sited a huge bush meat hanging on a stick and decided to buy it. He stopped and priced;
Madam, how much is your bush meat?. The woman replied; 
Oga na N7000. 
The man exclaimed; Haba madam, e too cost na, how much you go sell am last?. 
The woman said; Oga, bring 6,500.
The man then said; Ok, go put am for inside my boot. The woman went behind the car saying in her mind; If this man open the boot, I go drop the bush meat for ground go
collect my money. 
Immediately the boot was open, the woman put the bush meat on the ground and closed the boot without putting the bush meat inside, the man speed off without
paying the woman. 
Now the  Question is, 
Who is smarter? 
Who is the bad GUY?

By Hybrid Obi - Nigeria

2 Italian men boarded a bus in UK.
They sat down and engaged in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignored them at first, but her attention was galvanized when she heard one of them say the following:
Emma come first.
Den I come.
Then two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady couldn't take it anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!" She retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex, I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'MISSISSIPI'!


Sent by  
Gershon Yao-Dablu - Ghana

PASTOR: Praise the Lord.

Can we please turn our tablet PC, iPad, cellphone, kindle bibles to 1 Cor. 13:13....! And please switch on your Bluetooth to download the sermon.... !

Let us pray committing this week into God's hands. Open your WhatsApp, BBM, Twitter and Facebook and chat with your God. Come the name of Jesus...!

Please have your credit and debit cards ready as we shall now take tithes and offerings. You can log on to the church Wi-Fi using the password Lord909887.

[Ushers circulate mobile card swipe machines among the worshipers. Those who prefer to make electronic funds transfers are directed to computers and laptops at the rear of the church and those who prefer to use iPads allowed to flip them open. Those who prefer telephone banking are allowed to take out their cellphones to transfer their contributions to the church bank account!] 
The holy atmosphere is truly electric as the cellphones , iPads, PCs and laptops beep and flicker!


: This week's cell meetings shall be held on the various Facebook group pages where the usual group chatting takes place.

Please don't miss out. Thursday's bible teachings will be held live on Skype at 1900hrs GMT. Please don't miss out. You can follow Pastor on Twitter this weekend for counseling and prayers. God bless you and have a wonderful week!

A Child's Prayer
Sent by Mohamed Koroma - Sierra Leone

 One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying:

"God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying.

The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack.

The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning.

Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night.
And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants.
He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine.
When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch.
She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our porch this morning


Interview Dialog
Sent by Frederick Ifeanyi Obiajulum Adigwe - Nigeria

 *Officer: What Is Your Name?

 *Candidate: M. P., Sir

 *Officer: Tell Me Properly.

 *Candidate: Modape Pakurumo Sir

 *Officer: Your Father’s Name?

 *Candidate: M. P., Sir

 *Officer: What Does That Mean?

 *Candidate: Moshood Pakurumo, Sir
 *Officer: Your Native Place
 *Candidate: M. P., Sir
 *Officer: Is It Makurdi Purum?
 *Candidate: No, Minna Port, Sir
 *Officer: What Is Your Qualification?
 *Candidate: M. P., Sir
 *Officer: (angrily) What Is It?
 *Candidate: Metric Pass
 *Officer:so why do you need a job?
 *Candidate:M. P., Sir
 *Candidate: Money Problem, Sir
 *Officer:whats your personality?
 *Candidate:M. P., Sir
 *Officer:would you explain yourself and stop wasting my time?
 *Candidate: Monacrotic Personality
 *Officer:i see. I will get back to you
 *Candidate:so sir, how's my MP?
 *Officer:and whats that again?
 *Candidate:my performance
 *Officer: MP!!!
 *Officer:MP - Mental Problem

By Jude Okeke - Nigeria

 A man & his wife were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

 while they were in bed.

 He turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

 'No,' she answered.. He then said,

 'Is that your final answer?'

 She didn't even look at him this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

 So he said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
 And that's when the fight started.
100 Points to Heaven
By Frederick Ifeanyi Obiajulum Adigwe - Nigeria
A man dies and goes to heaven. As usual, St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates.
St. Peter says, “Here’s how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you’ve done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in.”
“Okay” the man says, “I attended church every Sunday”
“That’s good, says St. Peter, “that’s worth two points”“Two points?” he says. “Well, I gave 10% of all my earnings to the church”
“Well, let’s see,” answers St. Peter, “that’s worth another 2 points. Did you do anything else?”
“Two points? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans.”
“Fantastic, that’s certainly worth a point, ” St. Peter says.
“Hmmm…,” the man says, “I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart.”
“That’s wonderful,” says St. Peter, “that’s worth three points!”
“THREE POINTS!!” the man cries, “At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!”
“Come on in!”

By Jude Okeke - Nigeria
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a
monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out that sound is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk. ”The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst. Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
 But me, jude okeke, no go tell una, because una no be monk.

I was just Joking!
By Frederick Ifeanyi Obiajulum Adigwe - Nigeria

Phone rings!!
GIRL: Hello
BOY: My love how are u doing?
GIRL: I am fine
BOY: Will you be less busy over the weekend to come to my house?
GIRL: I am sorry I can't make it, because I will be attending my aunty's wedding and the next day is the thanks-giving in the church, 'am so occupied
BOY: I wanted to take you for shopping to buy for you, as promised, the BB(Blackberry), porsche and brazilian hair extension you've been asking for!
GIRL: I will be coming and I may even spend the weekend if you want my love.
BOY: What of the wedding?
GIRL: Which wedding, I was just joking
Boy: Even me, I was just joking ,too!u be less busy
on weekend to come to
my house?
GIRL- Am sorry i cant
make it bcos i
will be attending my
aunty wedding & d next
day is d thanksgiving in
d church,am so occupied
BOY-I wanted to take u
for shopping to buy u as
promised the BB
porsche & brazilian hair u
been asking for
GIRL- I will be coming & i
may even
spend d weekend if u
want my love.
BOY- What of d
GIRL- Which wedding, i
was just joking
Boy- Even me, i was
just joking
“One for me, one for u”
Sent by Frederick Ifeanyi Obiajulum Adigwe - Nigeria

Two little boys stole a bag of orange from their neighbour & decided to go to a calm place to share the loot, one of them suggested the nearby cemetery .

As they were jumping the big gate to enter the cemetery, 2 oranges fell out of the bag behind the gate but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.

Few minuets latter a Drunkard on his way from a local bar passed near the cemetery gate and heard a voice:

“One for me, one for u". “One for me, one for u”!
He immediately sobers up and ran as fast as he could to the local priest.

"Father please come with me, come and witness 'God & Satan' sharing corpses at the cemetery.” They both ran back to the cemetery gate and the voice continued:

"One for me, one for u", "one for me, one for u"!

Suddenly the voice stopped counting and said:

“What about the two at the gate?"
Come and see marathon... the Priest and the Drunkard ran that even the priest almost passed the church gate, shouting
“we are not dead yet”!
Everybody wants to make Heaven but No one wants to die.
By Igbanda Nanka - Nigeria

A guy in a hurry used the ladies toilet in a posh hotel. He sat down & noticed 4 buttons- WW,WA,PP & APR. Curious, he pressed WW & his butt was gently sprayed wit WARM WATER, he loved it so much! He then pressed WA & a blast of WARM AIR dried him up. Still loving it, he pressed PP & a POWDER PUFF to make him smell fresh. Feeling pampered, he decided to press the last button APR... He later woke up in the hospital,
a nurse smiled & said; Sir, APR means AUTOMATIC Pad Remover. When the machine couldn't find a pad on you, it went for your balls. Your balls are in this jar LWKMD

Find all the jokes here: Afrisonet Jokes and Humour

No comments:

Post a Comment

Leave a comment

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...