|Dr. Biodun Ogungbo|
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A baby boy was born in hospital laughing instead of crying, the more the nurses beat him, the more he laughed so hard,
... suddenly the doctor noticed he had something in his hands, so he pulled the tiny hands apart and discovered he was holding 3 abortion pills.
The baby then turned his head looking at his mother, laughed again and said
"NO WEAPON FASHIONED AGAINST ME SHALL PROSPER!"
Rev: Which name would you like your child to bear?
Akpos: With smiles all over his face he said, Akpos!
Rev: No! He has to bear an English name.
Akpos: Ok oh, Akposky!
Rev: Listen, your son should be named after a saint in the bible.
Akpos: Nawa oh, which kind wahala be this?? Ok oga pastor, my son will bear St. Akpostus.
Frederick Ifeanyi Obiajulum Adigwe - Nigeria
A man bought some eggs n discovered there's nothing inside. He went back to the shop to complain, they broke the eggs and all were found empty, they went to the poultry to complain... some chicken came out and started laughing and said: "look at them" they don't know we've started using condoms.
Keeping the fire burning in a relationship is a lot of work and time investment
Naomi Uche Ochia - NigeriaThere were a group of women at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband. The women were asked, 'How many of you love your husbands?' All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, 'When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?'
Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn't remember. The women were then told to take their phones and send the following text:
'I love you, sweetheart'.
Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages. Here are some of the replies.
1. Who is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
3. I love you too.
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What did you do now? I won't forgive you this time o.
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die o.
11. Are u drunk again?
12. Whatever you want the answer is no! Hehehehe
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|By The Incredible DJ Mike Williams.|
A man was traveling in his car along Ughelli-Asaba express road. He sited a huge bush meat hanging on a stick and decided to buy it. He stopped and priced;
Madam, how much is your bush meat?. The woman replied;
Oga na N7000.
The man exclaimed; Haba madam, e too cost na, how much you go sell am last?.
The woman said; Oga, bring 6,500.
The man then said; Ok, go put am for inside my boot. The woman went behind the car saying in her mind; If this man open the boot, I go drop the bush meat for ground go
collect my money.
Immediately the boot was open, the woman put the bush meat on the ground and closed the boot without putting the bush meat inside, the man speed off without
paying the woman.
Now the Question is,
Who is smarter?Who is the bad GUY?
By Hybrid Obi - Nigeria
2 Italian men boarded a bus in UK.
They sat down and engaged in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignored them at first, but her attention was galvanized when she heard one of them say the following:
Emma come first.
Den I come.
Then two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady couldn't take it anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!" She retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex, I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'MISSISSIPI'!
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters:
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.'
One day, the husband sent his son to tell his mother that
he wanted to make a phone call.
Mother replies: Tell your father that the Network is bad today.
Husband: Tell your mother that if there is no Network at home, I will go to the "Public Phone".
Wife sent back, tell your father that if he dares go to a Public Phone, then I will open a " Call Center " at home."
(Marriage Software Division):
Dear Systems Analyst,
I am desperate for some help! I recently upgraded my program from
Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected
Child Processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable
This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0
installs itself into all other programs and launches during systems
initialization and then it monitors all other system activities.
Applications such as 'Boys' Night out 2.5' and 'Golf 5.3' no longer
run, and crashes the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate
selected 'Saturday Rugby 6.3' always fails and 'Saturday Shopping 7.1'
runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst
attempting to run any of my favorite applications. Be it online or offline.
I am thinking of going back to 'Girlfriend 7.0', but uninstall
doesn't work on this program. Can you please help?
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding
of the functions of the Wife 1.0 program. Many customers upgrade from
Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1..0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITY
AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM. Actually, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM
designed by its Creator to run everything on your current platform.
You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back
to Girlfriend 7.0, as Wife 1.0 was not designed to do this and it is
impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the
System once it is installed.
Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have
ended up with even more problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child
Support and Solicitors' Fees).
Having Wife 1.0 installed, I recommend you keep it Installed and deal
with the difficulties as best as you can. When any faults or problems
occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the..... C:\
APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE Program and avoid attempting to use the
*Esc-Key for it will freeze the entire system.
It may be necessary to run C:\ APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE a number of
times, and eventually hope that the operating system will return to
normal. Wife 1.0, although a very high maintenance programme, can be very
rewarding. To get the most out of it, consider buying additional
Software such as 'Flowers 2.0' and 'Chocolates 5.0' or 'HUGS\ KISSES 600.0'
or 'TENDERNESS\UNDERSTANDING 1000.0' or even Eating Out Without the Kids
7.2.1' (if Child processing has already started).
DO NOT under any circumstances install 'Secretary 2.1' (Short Skirt
Version) or 'One Nightstand 3.2' (Any Mood Version), as this is not a
supported Application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly
Drink Rum daily - You will die 30 years early.
Love Someone Truly - You will die daily.
A foolish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells
her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.
Three FASTEST means of Communication :
Handful of peanuts
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied,
'We just love the chocolate around them.'
The fireman comes home and tells his wife:
In the quarter we have an excellent system. When playing the first add-on siren is for in teams, with the second siren, then, down the column and climb down to the third siren, Tank Truck and out.
So, from today, when I say "first horn" strips the clothes, "the second siren" going to bed and "third siren" make love.
The next day the fireman comes home and shouts: "the first siren," the woman takes the clothes, then shouts "second siren" the woman lie down in bed and finally shouts "third siren" and begin to make love.
After few minutes the woman shouted "fourth siren" and the fireman exclaimed:
What the hell is this "fourth siren?
And the woman says:
Conduct more hose because the fire is far!
Did the priest lie?
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her:
Woman: "Father, may I ask a favor?"
Priest: "Of course. What may I do for you?"
Woman: "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me.... Under your robe perhaps?"
Priest: "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
Woman: "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
Custom Officer: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
Priest: "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.
The official thought this answer strange.
"And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
Priest: "I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Custom Officer: (Roaring with laughter, said) "Go ahead, Father." Next!
Now... truly, did the priest lie?
The pharmacist asked, "Why in this world do you need cyanide?"
The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed,
Guess what happened!
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one last time."
The lady can't take this any more,
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly.
"In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin'about a sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '."
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply:
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet...
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Sent by Gershon YAO-DABLU - Ghana
The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, Mrs. Sharma receives a telephone call from Reliance Energy because the
“Am I speaking to Mrs. Sharma?”
Reliance guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the Reliance guy.
"What are you saying? It's in your files ...HOW?????"
" Yes ............ . We have a system of finding out who's overdue "
" GOD!!!!!!... ...... This is too much........ .."
"Madam, I am sorry... I am following orders.... I have to inform you that you are overdue"
"I know that ..let me talk to my husband about this tonight. .... He will speak to your company tomorrow "
That night, she tells her husband about the incident, and he, mad as a bull,
"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?
What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at Reliance, "it's nothing serious.
"PAY you? And if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story:Weight loss program for men
"Excuse me my dear........my stomach," and disappeared towards the bathroom. The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back stairs, into the maid's bed. She just had time to switch the lights off when in he came silently.....
He wasted no time or words but quickly took out his willy, and got on top of her. When he finished and still panting, the wife said " You didn't expect to find me in this bed did you!!" and switched on the light.
"No indeed, Madam" said the gardener!!!.
A bloke calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later
huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost
10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is
wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that
reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four
days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and
better shape .
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he
discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50
pound program .
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds
a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running
shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your ass
He lost 63 pounds that week...
Sent by Armanda D. - Portugal
Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually.
He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work.
So eventually the doctor refers him to an old Gypsy medicine woman.
The medicine woman says, "I can cure this." That said, she throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
She collects the ash, then she says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
The medicine woman replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned - it will not work again for another year!"
Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess.
That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123."
He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life just as the medicine woman had promised.
Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
And that, my friends, is why you should never end a sentence with a preposition
A Test of 'Fidelity'
One day "little sister" called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
Good manners !
Sent by Yodit Arefaine - Eritrea
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
" Michael , if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
The teacher fainted...
Sent by Armanda Delgado - Portugal
Internal Revenue 'Service'
US Postal 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.
BAM! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.
Now you are as enlightened as I am?
of his Boss and puts water in the bottle to replace what he drank. But the Boss was suspicious and decided to buy pastis (a French wine that changes color if you add water).
Bakari as usual, drank the wine and topped it
up with water (to replace what he drank).
But unfortunately for him, immediately he added
water the pastis became milky. And when the Boss
Came back and noticed it, he knew he had nailed
Bakari. Bakari also knew that he was in big trouble and decided to stay put in the kitchen when his boss came home.
The Boss told his wife and said he would call Bakari to come and acknowledge his evil ways.
"Bakari!", he called from the sitting room. Bakari answered: "Yes, Boss"."Who drank my pastis?".
No answer. The Boss asked again: still no answer.
Then the Boss went to the kitchen to meet him there:
"Are you insane or what? Why when I call you you say "yes boss" but when I ask you a question you don't answer me? "
Bakari retorted that "when you are in the kitchen you don't understand anything at all, except your name"
“Is that so?” asked the boss, "Okay, you stay beside my wife, while I’ll go in the kitchen, and you will ask me a question ".Bakari accepted. The Boss went in the kitchen and Bakari shouted:
He answered: "Yes, Bakari".
"Who goes into the maids’ bedroom when your wife is not there? "
Bakari shouted again: "Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?"
Third time; "Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?"
The Boss runs back from the kitchen shouting
"Wonders will never cease" Bakari, It is true, when one is in the kitchen, one does not hear anything, except ones name.
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