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Showing posts with label 2015 Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 2015 Jokes. Show all posts

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Just for laughs
~Punch, Nigeria.

Lets see how much our 'ribs will crack' from these bloopers and witty remarks that are made even more dramatic by their spontaneity and shrouded irony in some cases.

Pat Williams:We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play.

Scout to Bill Shankley: He has football in his blood.
Bill Shankley: You may be right,but it hasn't reached his legs yet.

A journalist asks boxer Chris Eubank the following question during an interview:
Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?
Chris Eubank: On what?

Muhammad Ali: I've seen George Foreman shadow-boxing and the shadow won.

Eddie Shaw: He has turned defensive boxing into a poetic art. Trouble is nobody ever knocked anybody out with a poem.

Golf commentator: One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh, my God, what have I just said?

Metro Radio: Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.

George Best: I spent 90 percent of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted!

Oscar Gamble: They don't think it be likeit is, but it do.

Jerry Rice: I feel like I'm the best, but you're not going to get me to say that.

Karl Malone: I ain'tgonna be no escape-goat.

Rita Rudner: The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said, If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down.

Kevin Keegan: The Germans only have one player under 22, and he's 23!
We deserved to win this game after hammering them 0-0 in the first half.

Doug Plank: Most football players are temperamental. That's 90 percent temper and 10 percent mental.

Tito Fuentes: They shouldn't throw at me. I'm the father of five or six kids.

David Beckham: I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet.

Jimmy Demaret: Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.

George Best on Paul Gascoigne: I once said Gazza's IQ was less than his shirt number and he asked me: What's an IQ?

Ruud Gullit: We must have had 99 per cent of the match. It was the other three per cent that cost us.

Jasper Carrott: I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

John Lambie, Partick Thistle Manager, when told his concussed striker did not know who he was: That's great, tell him he's Pele, and get him back on.

Tom Landry: Football is an incredible game. Sometimes it's so incredible, it's unbelievable.

Derek Rae: It's headed away by John Clark, using his head.

Murdo Macleod: That was only a yard away from being an inch-perfect pass.

Torrin Polk: He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.

Bob Varsha: The drivers have one foot on the brake, one on the clutch and one on thethrottle.

Jeremy Roenick: Yeah, I'm cocky and I am arrogant. But that doesn't mean I'm not a nice person.

Michael Jordan: I've never lost a game. I just ran out of time.

Eric Cantona: I prefer to play and lose rather than win, because I know in advance I'm going to win.

Lou Duva: He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.
You can sum up this sport in two words: You never know.

Bill Peterson: You guys line up alphabetically by height.

Exercise, lose weight and have great sex

Written by Biodun Ogungbo - Punch, Nigeria.

First, a joke.

A fat man saw an advertisement that said, “Lose 5kg in a week.”

He made a phone call and said, “I would like to join!” The lady who responded welcomed the idea and asked him to be ready 6am the following day.

The following morning, he got to the gym and was taken to a room. He opened the door and found a beautiful woman there clad in only a shirt and underpants.

She said, “If you can catch me, you can sleep with me!” The lady started running, while the man started to run after her. But he could not catch her. During the whole week, he tried hard to catch her but could not. He, however, lost 5kg in the process!

He then asked for the 10kg programme. The next time, he opened the door and found another woman clad in a bikini who said, “If you catch me, you can sleep with me.”

He lost 10kg that week although he did not catch the woman. So, he thought this was an awesome programme and then requested the 25kg weight loss programme.
The lady said, “Are you sure? It’s really tough!”

Holy Toasting...!

From  Lewis Okomayin - Nigeria
Boy: do you have a boyfriend?
Girl: No. I don’t want a boyfriend.
Boy: Genesis 2:18 “The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him’.”
Girl: But I don’t love you.
Boy: 1 John 4:8 "Whoever does not love, does not know God, because God is love.”
Girl: So how do I discern that your words are true?
Boy: Matthew 12:34b “For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of."
Girl: But how can I be sure that you are faithful and honest?
Boy: Mark 13:31 “Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away."
Girl: But why me? There are so many girls out there.
Boy: Proverbs 31:29 “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all!”
Girl: But what do you see in me, that makes you love me?
Boy: Song of Songs 4:7 " You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you."
Girl: But really, I’m not that beautiful … you’re exaggerating.
Boy: Proverbs 31:30 “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”

The games women play when your zipper is open

Written by Biodun Ogungbo - Nigeria

Dr. Biodun Ogungbo
I thought I would spend this week just chilling out, reminiscing about the games men and women play. But first, women! Women play games in love and relationships. As a man, you need to be at your best to figure out when the game starts, the kind of game and the rules of the game.

First, a joke
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady walked up to him and said, 'Your barracks door is open.' He did not understand her, so he went on his way looking puzzled. When he was done shopping, a man came up and said, 'Your fly is open.' He zipped up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was who told him about his 'barracks door.' He was planning to have a little fun with her. So, when he reached the counter he said, 'When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?' The lady (naturally the smarter sex) thought for a moment and said, 'No, no, I didn't. All I saw was a disabled soldier sitting on a couple of old duffel bags.'

The first time
Of course, she did not plan to spend the night but she did! What was strange, however, was that she asked to have a shower and wash her knickers. She left the knickers on the window sill to dry and came to bed naked. To a man, this means open house and an invitation to the house warming party! But, you still have to ask nicely or you would be denied.
However, if, for example, you refuse to take the bait and force her to make another move, this is what she would do. She would curl up and pretend to sleep.

Men throng Radio Station in Kano after lady promises car, house to suitor

A REALLY funny situation played out at the Freedom FM radio station in Kano earlier yesterday when over 100 male listeners of the station rushed to besiege the premises of the organization.

The men, who flooded to the station, according to an On-Air Personality with the radio station, a lady on a radio show called 'Inda Ranka', a lifestyle programme, had jokingly announced that she would give any man who marries her a car and a house.
Within a twinkle of an eye, the men had rushed down to the station, hoping to meet the lady and express their intention of marrying her.

The men even wrote down their names on a sheet of paper to be presented to the lady so that she could interview them on a first come, first served basis.

Even when some management officials of the station told them the statement was made jokingly, the men refused to leave until they had to be dispersed by the police," reported.

Here is what the OAP wrote on his twitter handle: "These pple came 2 FreedomRadio after a girl on air said she'll buy a car, house 4 whoever marries her."
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