Written by Bosede Ola-Samuel - Nigeria
For many couples, sex is no longer what it used to be. There's no more adventure. So, they are stuck with the hope that things will get better. But the truth is, many times, wishes do not translate into reality. That is the basis of the popular saying, "if wishes were horses, beggars would ride." Wishing it will get better is not likely going to work. Couples who are serious about having a better sex life need to work at it. They may need to talk to sex experts to find out how they can put the "fire" back in their sex life. They could also read more books, magazines and write-ups on sex. Trying out the tips below will surely help in that direction.
The starting point is to talk about your sex life in order to find out what the missing link is. If you doubt the need for this, then read this excerpt:
"Even long-term couples can struggle in the bedroom. Though we can easily tell our partner what shirt we'd like him to wear, or what we'd like to cook together for dinner, we tend to get tongue-tied when it comes to the topic of sex. 'People tend to be very sensitive when it comes to talking about sex. They're afraid of hurting their partner's feelings, so, they don't tell them what they like or don't like. But you're not going to get it unless you ask for it,' says relationship and family therapist, Rachel Sussman."
So, how do you tell your partner what you want without bruising his or her ego? I think it's really in how you bring up the statement. You can begin by saying, "I would love it if we..." or, "Could we try this?" You don't want to make them feel bad about what they've done or haven't done.
Avoid monolithic style
Like someone puts it, "From fun, sizzling sex positions to new bedroom "techniques", you'll find everything you need to blow her mind-and have her moaning."
Many couples don't try new sex skills all the time. Therefore, they stay too long on few sex techniques they have acquired over time. That's why a biological anthropologist, Helen Fisher, who has been studying relationship biology for more than two decades says, " if you keep doing things that are new and different, you have a better chance of sustaining the romance." You bring adventure into play with respect to your sex life. Do what your partner wants in bed, and let your partner also be willing to do anything for you, too.
Engage in physical exercises
Exercise works wonders not only on your body, but also on your sex life. "Activities, such as jogging and spinning, release endorphins that improve your mood and relax you," says American Council on Exercise spokesman, Gregory Florez. "In the hours following 30 to 40 minutes of cardio, skin temperature is elevated and your sense of touch is heightened. It's a great time for intimacy. You may not even need to shower first. Sweat is an aphrodisiac," says Florez, who is also the Chief Executive Officer of FitAdvisor.com. "The smell of perspiration from a clean person is arousing. Post exercise, your brain is in a state of hyperarousal, and your body may be as well," he adds.
I cannot agree less with him because I do try out a few exercises before sex, and I have discovered the benefit of such.
Play funny, silly games
Engaging yourselves in games such as hide and seek, who finishes a piece of meat first takes one more, and the likes, sets you in the mood for real sex actions. I remember a couple I visited once and I met the husband complaining about his wife disturbing his peace, by putting her fingers into his plate of food repeatedly. Of course, the wife was only trying to put him in the mood, but he was not quick to decode it. I chipped in my suggestion and left the scene immediately. No wonder the husband never forgot to thank me days afterwards.
The game is all about the teasing each other to the point of sexual provocation. It draws couples intimately close to each other. Life should not be too serious. "Better learn to relax, so that you will not collapse," so says a younger sister of mine. A person who does nothing to relax, will definitely collapse. It is only a matter of time.
Psychiatrist and sex therapist, Barbara Bartlik, explains why silly games lead to crazy sex: "Bringing an item into the bedroom, like a board game, forces you to think about how you're going to use this item to make the experience different. Whoever dreamt up the idea feels triumphant, while the other person feels well attended to. These positive experiences feed our relationships and make love last. Whether it's Scrabble or Battleship, it doesn't really matter. The best thing is, it takes the guesswork out of communication. It gives us structure, and it's fun to have a built-in forum to ask for what we want sexually."
Schedule special sex moment
Better sex will lead to more sex, says Dr. Bartlik. So, forget the quickies, and love each other longtime. Schedule an appointment that neither of you is allowed to cancel: lie in bed on Saturday morning or Sunday evenings. You might just chat, or touch each other from head to toe, savouring your bodies together under the sheets. This helps your connectivity level.
You will find this scheduled moment quite helpful if your daily schedule does not allow for sexual activity during the week or if parental responsibilities are fast eroding your sex life. A wife has this to say about their sex life, "When we first met, we had sex every day. But we're parents now and don't have as much time. Now, it's just once a week. But with an hour or two of sexual activity at the weekends, it's always amazing and meaningful."
Plan an excursion
When sexual fire has gone down, a vacation or excursion can be a perfect way to rekindle the fire. For Lesley and Tim, sex isn't just part of a vacation; it's the very reason for the getaway. So, vacations afford couples the many opportunities to have sex. No thinking of workload or home work or house chores. Attention is focused on each other all the time. So, it is enjoyment unlimited.
To allay the fear of the financial implication of a vacation, you don't have to fly to a far-flung land to take your sexual satisfaction to new altitudes. "Surprise your partner on a random Monday or Tuesday," suggests Megan Andelloux, director of the Miko Learning and Resource Centre, in Providence, Rhode Island, United States of America. "At dusk, blindfold her and lead her to the car. As you drive to a remote location, her excitement will build. When you arrive, take off her blindfold and spend lots of time making out in your car before relocating to your predetermined love nest. Even if you end up just one or two kilometres from home, the sex adventure will be worthwhile," she says.