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Antioxidant solution to impotency

Written by Funmi Akingbade - Nigeria. 

Funmi Akingbade
Erectile dysfunction, generally known as impotence, affects an estimated 18 million men in the United States alone, while Nigeria men share the borderline of the statistics. However, while this condition is no picnic, it is not as horrible or as permanent as it sounds or as it is generally believed to be. All the terror and the shame usually associated with this problem is only so because the condition is most often, completely misunderstood and the permanent solution evades us.

According to the National Institutes of Health, approximately five per cent of 40-year-old men and between 15 per cent and 25 per cent of 65-year-old men, experience ED on a long-term basis.
But ironically, close to 15 per cent of Nigerian youth between the ages of 27-35 are fast entering the list. A much more common problem which affects the majority of men at some point in their life is the occasional failure to achieve an erection, which could occur for a variety of reasons, ranging from drinking too much alcohol to being extremely tried or even variety of health problems.

But then, let us first attempt to define and to understand exactly what erectile dysfunction is, and how it is caused. Then, we would discuss how it could affect the lives of men who suffer from it, and how it directly or indirectly affects the people around them. Once we have a comprehensive understanding of the condition and what it entails, we'll discuss how to cure it.

Erectile Dysfunction (ED) is generally defined as the inability to achieve or to maintain an erection long enough to engage in sexual intercourse.
However, to fully understand erectile dysfunction, one first has to understand how the process of erection works. Initially, you need to realise that the penis contains two chambers. These chambers are called the corpora cavernosa, which are filled with spongy tissue. They run the length of the organ and contain a maze of blood vessels shaped like cavernous spaces. An erection is achieved when the blood vessels of the corpora cavernous relax and open up because of nerve messages which stimulate the penis, and impulses from the brain and local nerves. As blood rushes in through the cavernous arteries to fill them, it is trapped under high pressure, which expands the penis and you would just take off!

So, under normal circumstances, when you are sexually stimulated, your brain would send a message downstairs, through your spinal cord and into the nerves of your penis. The nerve ending of the penis then releases chemical messengers, called neurotransmitters, which signal the arteries that supply blood to the corpora cavernous to relax and get filled with blood. As they expand, the corpora cavernosa close off other veins which would normally drain blood from the penis. As the penis becomes engorged with blood, it enlarges and stiffens, causing an erection. Problems with blood vessels, nerves, or tissues of the penis can interfere with an erection.

In essence then, erectile dysfunction is simply a problem with your blood flow caused by variety of issues ranging from organic, circumstantial, psychological, environmental, and psychosomatic to lifestyle and eating habits and so on. And thus, it is a problem that could be easily resolved. No need to be embarrassed about it, or to throw away your marriage relationships, and be distressed and depressed, for it could happen to anyone. Failure to achieve an erection less than 20 per cent of the time is not unusual and treatment is rarely needed. Failure to achieve an erection more than 50 per cent of the time, however, generally indicates that there is a problem requiring attention.

Sometimes, Erectile Dysfunction only occurs in certain situations. For example, you may be able to obtain an erection by just looking at nude pictures or just thinking about your wife or just remembering the last time you had an earth shaking sexual escapades, or you may find that you sometimes wake up with an erection. However, you may be momentarily unable to obtain an erection when you are with your wife.

In these circumstances, it is likely that the underlying cause of ED is primarily psychological, psychosomatic and circumstantial. However, if you are unable to obtain an erection under any circumstances, it is likely that the underlying cause is primarily physical.
In order to achieve an erection, the following conditions must occur. If there is something interfering with any or all of these conditions, a full erection would be prevented. The blood circulation into the penis must be adequate. The veins and tissues must be able to "trap and keep" the blood inside the penis. There must be a stimulus from the brain. The nerves must be very sensitive, the prostate must produce testosterone.

Common causes of Erectile Dysfunction include diseases which affect blood flow, such as atherosclerosis (hardening of the arteries) or venous leakage (weak veins), diseases affecting the heart in general, issues with diabetes mellitus, infection. Furthermore, psychological factors, such as stress, depression, and performance anxiety can lead to ED, as well as an injury to the penis. Additionally, chronic illness, certain medications, and a condition called Peyronie's Disease (scar tissue in the penis) can also cause ED.

Now, as most men and couples fail to truly understand Erectile Dysfunction, its causes, and how it can effectively be cured, through entirely natural means at home or natural herbal preparations, exercises and even massages, they tend to get scared, and then leap to panic and irrational conclusions. The lack of understanding breeds unfounded fears, which spins a series of misguided thoughts and rash actions, and those in turn, engender significant distress, and a host of other problems in life.
All the distress, and each of those problems, can easily be avoided, however, by accomplishing some simple processes.

All the distress, and each of those problems, can easily be avoided. However, by accomplishing these simple processes, understanding and believing -absolutely believing - that early impotency or Erectile Dysfunction is not the end of the world and that it is not permanent, and that you are not 'broken' for the rest of your life, and it can be cured without even much stress; is paramount to getting out of the problem. Just keep reading the series of this article, take what is said to heart, and then follow the instructions and guidelines. It will also help to learn about and to understand various problems which are due to manmade imposed impotency or Erectile Dysfunction, and know how to find a solution to them.

The first man imposed illness that every sufferer of early impotency or erectile dysfunction people experience and which should be avoided is depression. Studies have shown ED and depressive symptoms can be positively correlated, and have demonstrated that there is indeed a bidirectional relationship between the two conditions. A five- year study revealed that more men with depression are affected by ED than those who do not suffer from depression. Moreover, men with ED have also shown a higher incidence of depression. Furthermore, studies have also shown that the incidence of ED in those who have depression is 1.82 times more than those who do not, and this association is not influenced by age or by factors associated with lifestyle choices and circumstances, or medication use.
ED is generally not a primary cause of depression, but rather, a contributing factor to it as it does not cause depression directly. Most men, if not all, see their sexual ability as a measure of their masculinity and place a high priority on it. As a result, those who suffer from ED are likely to feel frustrated, and embarrassed at their diminished sexual ability. This can exert stress on their daily lives. The fact that they are unable to achieve a proper erection the same way as healthy men, can have a huge impact on their self-esteem. Most of them will think that their problem with ED is their own fault and will blame themselves for it, even though that is not the case. ED causes depression, and depression causes ED. Try to do all you can to avoid this.

Stress and anxiety are also man-imposed leading causes of early impotency or ED. When a sufferer deliberately takes care of anxiety and stress, his sex life will return to normal soon enough and it might even improve as a result of the deliberate avoidance of anxiety and stress. Another man- imposed trigger is the sexual performance anxiety leading to embarrassment and low self-esteem. It must be noted here that failure is as much a part of our lives as success, and most men have faced at least some failures life, in one form or another. However, failing to achieve or to obtain an erection is a failure quite unlike any other. It is the first, and probably the only hurdle in life which can make a man feel like less of a man.

ED threatens man's ego. It challenges his machismo. The mere attempt to get good erection in the presence of a woman but fail and stay flaccid, shatters a man completely. And invariably, when a man's fragile self-esteem receives the telling blow, it breaks apart into a million pieces. His pride takes a fatal hit, and dies immediately.
But when men see early impotency or ED as a medical problem, just like malaria, flu, fever, measles, or any other ailment one experiences in life, hope arises and anxiety of performance receive cure.

Male sexual arousal is a complex process that involves the brain, hormones, emotions, nerves, muscles, and blood vessels. ED can result from a problem with any of these. Likewise, stress and mental health problems can cause or worsen ED. Sometimes, a combination of physical and psychological issues can cause ED. For instance, a minor physical problem that slows your sexual response may cause anxiety about maintaining an erection. The resulting anxiety can, in turn, lead to or worsen ED.
The brain plays a key role in triggering the series of physical events which cause an erection, starting with feelings of sexual excitement. A number of things can interfere with sexual feelings and cause or worsen ED. These include: depression, anxiety or other mental health conditions.

Another man- imposed early impotency or ED is when the wife fails to understand and help to get solution. This, more than any other, has sent many husbands to the verge of irreversible impotency. When a man has Erectile Dysfunction, however, it may affect and change his relationship, both with himself and his wife. Things can often get ugly, especially when the wife refuses to understand and cooperate. Evident is the fact that an estimated one in five failed marriages is a direct or indirect result of premature ejaculation, weak erection, small shrinking penis and ED. The man may be embarrassed, and might even feel guilty, which makes it difficult for him to talk to his wife about it. ED has an impact not only on the man, but on his wife as well. A common issue among couples dealing with ED starts with the failure of sexual advances. This can have an adverse effect on issues of trust, intimacy, and closeness. The man withdraws emotionally and physically because of embarrassment and the fear of failure. The wife starts to believe that her husband is losing interest in her, thereby impacting wife's own self-esteem and feelings of attractiveness. The relationship suffers, and romance dies a slow, agonising death.

In reality though, the man is not losing interest, but may be manifesting signs of frustration and humiliation at not being able to effectively participate in love making or sexual acts. Furthermore, many husbands think it is inappropriate to need nurturance, or to admit that they need a hug, or to seek affection from their wives. But one of the many cures of early impotency is even the tender loving care and display of affection form the wife and heavy love play, which most husbands shy away from. This, most times, does not only help husbands to regain the support of their wives, it helps them regain their sense of erotic feeling which mostly help regain erection especially when the wife carries out some base of the penis massaging.

Medically, shortage of blood not reaching the penis is a major reason for erectile dysfunction or early impotency and this is the area solution is mostly needed. Lots of amino acids, enzymes and proteins are needed to be added to your diet, so restoring effective flow of blood to the penis helps to provide all the antioxidant that will help permanently cure the challenge.
Remember, in most cases, ED is caused by something physical, such as alcoholism or other forms of substance abuse, certain medications, clogged blood vessels (atherosclerosis) diabetes, heart diseases, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, low testosterone, metabolic syndrome (this is a condition involving increase blood pressure) high insulin levels, body fat around the waist line, multiple sclerosis, general obesity, Parkinson's diseases, peyronie's diseases (which is the development of scar inside the penis), surgeries or injuries that affect the pelvic area or the spinal cord, tobacco use and the treatment for prostate cancer or enlarged prostrate.

The antioxidant solutions to all these are available in food and supplements such as; the combination of the white of raw egg with small portion of watermelon blended together. Drink daily especially at night.

The antioxidant solutions to all these are available in food and supplements such as, the combination of the white of raw egg with small portion of watermelon blended together. Drink daily especially at night.

Studies show that watermelon has effect on erectile dysfunction that is similar to the drug, Viagra and may also increase sexual desire. Watermelon is rich in beneficial ingredients known as phytonutrients. Phytonutrients are also antioxidants. One of their benefits is that they relax the blood vessels that supply an erection. Although watermelon is 92 per cent water, the other eight per cent work wonders for the heart and your sexual enjoyment.
We can also get another antioxidant called Lycopene in tomatoes and pink grapefruit. They contain phytonutrients that are good for circulation and good for sexual issues. Studies show that lycopene could be absorbed best when mixed with healthy oily foods like avocados and olive oil. You can make yourself an ED or impotency fighting salad. Research also shows that antioxidants like lycopene help fight male infertility and prostate cancer. Lycopene can also be found in carrot, mango and blueberry. Daily consumption of each will greatly improve premature ejaculation, weak erection and weak ejaculation.

We can also get some antioxidant from vitamin B3 (Niacin) in beets, tuna, and salmon. Everyone needs a certain amount of vitamin B3 (from food or supplements) for the body to function normally. Having enough niacin or vitamin B3 in the body is important for general good health. As a treatment for ED, higher amounts of niacin can improve cholesterol levels and lower cardiovascular risks. Niacin can be found naturally in many foods, including greens, snail, poultry and fish. The recommended dosage for treating ED is a maximum of 1,500 mg per day, for a maximum of 12 weeks.

Zinc is a valuable mineral helpful in boosting sexual desire and stamina. Whenever a person sufferers from zinc deficiency, he is more prone to sexual dysfunction. Zinc is needed for the body's defensive (immune) system to properly work. Regular supply of zinc is most special cure of erectile dysfunction because zinc deficiencies can lead to serious erectile problems. Zinc can be found in pumpkin seed. Also, good sources of zinc usually include liver, oysters, and other foods many vegetarians naturally would not want to include in their diet. But even while eschewing meat and animal products, we can get enough zinc in plant products. Rich plant based sources of zinc include sesame seeds (14%/oz), mushrooms (14%/oz), pumpkin seeds (14%/oz) cashew nuts and pine nuts (11%/oz). Raw organic seeds in general are a very good source of nutrition, and are valuable addition to any diet. Zinc antioxidant can also be found in cranberry fruits.

Raw shellfish contains compounds that stimulate the release of sexual hormones in both men and women. L-arginine is a chemical building block called amino acid. It is obtained from the diet and is necessary for the body to make proteins. L-arginine can also be found in soy beans. It can also be made in a laboratory and used as medicine. Soy is also good for the prostate, which is crucial for the reproductive system. For ED, a daily dose of three grams of L-arginine should be taken orally every day for a maximum of six weeks.

L-arginine is an amino acid naturally present in the body. It helps make nitric oxide. Nitric oxide relaxes blood vessels to facilitate a successful erection. Researchers studied the effects of L-arginine on ED in 1999. Thirty-one per cent of men with ED taking five grams of L-arginine a day experienced significant improvement in sexual function. A second study showed that L-arginine combined with pycnogenol, a plant product from tree bark, restored sexual ability to 80 per cent of participants after two months. Ninety-two per cent had restored sexual ability after three months. It can also be got from peanut and green apple.
Garlic act as an aphrodisiac when pounded with fresh coriander and taken in neat pure original fruit wine. The water of boiled wild asparagus serves the same purpose. Garlic contains allicin, which improves blood flow (one of the key factors for helping ED). It is good to take two to three cloves of raw garlic daily with plenty of water especially at night or last thing before sleep.

A number of herbs have been promoted for treating ED. The most widely touted is yohimbe (Corynanthe yohimbe), derived from the bark of the yohimbe tree native to West Africa. It has been used in Europe for about 75 years to treat ED. The FDA approved yohimbe as a treatment for ED in the late 1980s.

Ginkgo balboa is also used to treat erectile dysfunction. Other herbs promoted for treating ED include true unicorn root, aletrius farinosa, saw palmetto, serenoa repens, ginseng and Siberian ginseng eleuthrococcus senticosus. Strychnos nux-vomica has also been recommended, especially when ED is caused by excessive alcohol, cigarettes, or dietary indiscretions.
Drinking antioxidant-rich pomegranate juice has been shown to have numerous health benefits, including a reduced risk for heart disease and high blood pressure and also protect against ED

Horny goat weed and related herbs have purportedly been used as treatments for sexual dysfunction for years. Italian researchers found that the main compound in horny goat weed, called icariin, acted in a way similar to drugs such as Viagra.

Red ginseng has long been used to treat impotence.The Nitrates in leafy green vegetables, like celery and spinach, may increase circulation because of their high concentration of nitrates. Beet juice has been found to be really high in nitrates. Nitrates are vasodilators, and as such, they open up blood vessels and increase blood flow.

The flavonoids in dark chocolate improve circulation. This is especially good for erection problems that are due to poor circulation. Flavonoids are naturally-occurring antioxidants that protect plants from toxins and help repair cell damage. Studies show that flavonoids and other antioxidants have similar effects on people. They help lower blood pressure and decrease cholesterol, both of which are factors that contribute to erectile dysfunction. Flavonoids can be found in dark chocolate, cocoa and also in guava, beans, almonds nuts, skinless turkey, onions, pawpaw, eggplant, spinach, lamb meat, cabbage, mushroom, cashew-nut, celery, sardine fish and lemon.

Your best bet is to eat a healthy diet that is good for your heart and your circulation.
Other foods that are good for your circulation include cranberries, apples, peanuts, onions, tea, and red wine. Chances are, if you take good care of your vascular health, you will avoid many of the common causes of ED.

Vitamin A deficiency has been a cause of ED in some men. Eat foods rich in vitamin A. You should take fibre- rich diet especially water-soluble fibre (fruits and vegetables) as fibre flushes the toxin from the body and also the plaque in the arteries (the cause of poor circulation). Mix one part of ground walnuts and one part real pure honey. Take the mix three times a day, 30 minutes after meals. This should be done one for one month. It is one of the common home remedies for ED. Gingko is a common herb that is used for erectile dysfunction, particularly in people who experience sexual dysfunction as a side effect of antidepressants drugs. It helps to relax smooth muscle and enhance blood flow in the penis. Ashwagandha is another useful herb that increases energy, stamina, and sexual function. It is a herbal tonic that improve erection as well as overall health.

Mix two tablespoons of ground carrots with one glass of homemade soya milk; heat it on low heat for ten minutes. Take 100 ml of the extract three times a day for one week. This is another effective home remedy for ED. You can also cut three medium -sized onions into small pieces and add half litre of warm water and let it settle for ten minutes. Drink 100 ml of the extract three times a day. To avoid the onion smell, add a little bit of lemon juice. The treatment is for three months, then take a one month break, then repeat the treatment. The treatment is not recommended, if you have problems with your alimentary canal. Do not repeat the treatment second time, if you have cardio-vascular disorders.
It is also advisable not to drink before sex. Drinking alcohol or being drunk can significantly impair your sexual functioning.

Exercise Routines for Male Enhancement
One small study also indicated Rhodiola rosea may be helpful. Twenty-six out of 35 men were given 150 to 200 mg a day for three months. They experienced substantially improved sexual function.

Dehydroepiandrosterone (DHEA) is a natural hormone produced by the adrenal glands. It can be converted to both estrogens and testosterone in the body. Scientists make the dietary supplement from wild yam and soy.

The influential Massachusetts male aging study showed that men with ED were more likely to have low levels of DHEA. Forty men with ED participated in another study published in 1999, in which half received 50 mg DHEA and half received a placebo once a day for six months. Those receiving the DHEA were more likely to achieve and maintain an erection.
Most effectively, it is good to live a stress- free life and be relaxed. The effective ways to get yourself relax are – stop smoking, eat fewer carbohydrates, exercise daily for 30 minutes and say no to caffeine. Believe it or not, there have been many men who claim they have had great results from a variety of exercise routines performed daily.


Questions and Answers

I am a distressed husband
I love my wife of six years. I sincerely do but my problem is that whenever I am with her, I do not have a desire for sex or have an erection. I would have to resort to the use of some enhancers. But recently, I am always sexually attracted to other women to the extent of developing an affair with another woman, which I do not like at all. I eventually stopped it but the same problem persisted with my wife. How can I get to have erection naturally with her again? I am in distress.

Pastor in distress,
This is a situation common to couples who have been married for many years and even at that, when such couples rekindle old flame, they usually overcome such challenges. I think first and foremost, you should work on your mindset and start seeing your wife as your mistress. The truth of the matter is you would always be surrounded by other women who are not your wife; that is part of life. You have to look for workable solution so as to maintain your sanity.

Another very important issue but which most wives take for granted is their appearance at home when they are not dressed for outing. As couples age in marriage and age in life, they may lose sight of the fact that people are visual regardless of the career, vocation, or profession, because the beginning of any relationship involved visual attraction. Now, that may become a turnoff for husband and wife when this is not prioritised. Neglecting hair, clothing and makeup, not observing oral, vulgar, bedroom hygiene and having issues with good manners, may become a major turnoff. I usually tell wives to pretend they are single and on their first date with someone new most of the time. This usually helps to keep them equipped with fact, style and values of life.

I'm only left with frustrating arousal

Funmi as interesting, educative and tempting as your articles are, they don't really cover those of us married folks who just don't have ANY sex in our relationship anymore. The only thing I seem to have is frustrated arousal, regret and wishes each time I read your article. In our own situation, my wife entered her menopause at an early age of 35 years due to one ailment. Although at that early stage, she did all she could to try and help out by using the oestrogen replacement pill for a while. She started with the pills and later started using the injection and then the patch. But she eventually stopped because she was scared of the side effects. And as soon as she did, her desires stopped as well, leaving me with no hope of effecting a change. She is just 37 years now but isn't interested in any kind of physical attention other than kissing and cuddling. It is so very sad that our 12 years of marriage has turned into more like a "roommate" union. Now, I am left with an empty container. What can I do? Unfortunately I am a one- wife person, I don't believe in sampling women around.

Saheed Agba Rabidun
You sounded so final but I believe there is still hope for your sex life. First, there are lots of natural herbs that would naturally replace her desire and stimulate her libido for good sex. But most importantly, maybe there is really nothing wrong with friendship and affection in a marriage relationship. It is this friendship that breeds more affection and spike desires. I will suggest you keep at good friendship. If your wife really loves you, she should be willing to accommodate your sexual needs even if she herself has no desire.

I still desire sex badly even at 82

I still want sex badly at 82 years. Am I normal? Although I am not sure about my wife's desire, she is 65 years. I don't think she is on the same page with me because she thinks we should have outgrown such by now, she is always very dry and sex to her is so painful. Through our 40 years of marriage, I was always the aggressor and the initiator and I could get aroused brushing up against her in the kitchen and up until now, I still can but not as frequent. In attempting to see if she was interested, I bought your book on sex for the elderly couples. I casually left it near her closet in the bedroom. I asked her if she found the book interesting and all I got was a questionable look and response. I am not physically attractive as I once was but I continue to look at attractive women walking about and my libido is still much active. How can I fulfil this desire without making a fool of myself?

Old Contractor,
To start with, become a special unavoidable friend to your wife, shower attention and praise on her, talk to her in a way as if she is a young teenager who is in her first dating period. Show her open affection in such a manner that she would become embarrassingly happy. Continue this for days, weeks and months. Take her on a trip to places she has dreamt of. Buy her the types of underwear she likes and make her wear them in your presence. Praise her looks while she is putting them on and go to the extent of suggesting you help her wear them. Treat her like a baby; even at that age, caress and massage her body while she is resting, insisting such caressing is good for her. Continue with these gestures and before you know it, she would be the one asking for sex and not the other way round in spite of her earlier refusal. This is because sex to a woman of any age is not only attached to her heart but also to her emotion. When you have successfully entered into the heart of any woman of any age, you would easily enter her legs regardless of any prevailing situation or circumstances.

My vaginal is too short and orgasm seems to be unattainable.

Except cases where surgical operation has been performed on the wall of the virgina, a typical vaginal has standard size. The vagina is an elastic, muscular canal with a soft, flexible lining that provides lubrication and sensation. The size does not affect orgasm either. The vagina actually connects the uterus to the outside world. The vulva and labia form the entrance, and the cervix of the uterus protrudes into the vagina, forming the interior end. The vagina receives the penis during sexual intercourse and also serves as a conduit for menstrual flow from the uterus. During childbirth, the baby passes through the vagina (birth canal).

The hymen is a thin membrane of tissue that surrounds and narrows the vaginal opening. It may be torn or ruptured by sexual activity or by exercise. Research indicates there's no standard size or shape for a woman's vagina; but there could be many differences in shapes and looks among women of reproductive age, depending on the numbers of normal vagina deliveries such women have had. Orgasm via vagina is possible when your husband pays more attention to the tip of the vaginal by stimulating it, because the first few inches of the vagina is where the nerves of the vagina is highly populated. So, even if you have short or long vagina, it has not much importance to achieving orgasm. What is most important is the fact that you have vaginal entrance which every woman does. This is the part that gives orgasm when properly stimulated or caressed.

The effect of my weight on my marriage

I lost my marriage of eight years because my husband could not stand my being overweight. Four years into the marriage, he stopped making love to me. I want to move ahead and forget about him but most of the exercises I have tried out are not helping. This was not my weight before now. Any hope for me?

Mrs. Matins Ike
Get a scale weight weighing machine in your bathroom and weigh your weight each week. Research shows that people, who succeed at losing weight, check their weights often. Not eating one type of food doesn't translate into cutting overall calories. Your body needs some dietary fat such as olive oil, fish oil, avocado, and small amounts of nuts to function. Drinking water, especially before mealtime, helps fill you up and makes you eat less. Adults who drank two cups of water before each meal lost more weight than those who didn't.
Don't skip meals if you're trying to lose weight. You'll feel hungrier later and would be tempted to raid the fridge or nibble on junk. Instead, you can place yourself on a long period of fast with small portion of meals. There are lots of natural juice that help reduce body mass.
Despite the popularity of carbohydrate-free diets, your body needs this important fuel to work. Eat slowly because there's a lag between when your mouth says "mmm" and your brain registers fullness in your stomach. If you rest between bites and pace yourself, you'll give your brain more time to tell your stomach that you're full.
Vegetables are comparatively low in calories, filled with fibre and nutrition, and help you feel full. A new study shows that limiting food choices doesn't help people lose weight. Rather, get a diet that includes your own food choices, then eat high-calorie less often and in small amounts, or in lower-calorie versions.

I feel used by my wife

My wife's sexual desire seems to be tied to my income. When I make more money, sex is good and frequent. When my income is down, there is no sex or desire. I fear this problem is leading us towards divorce, because I feel being used by my wife.

Mr. Balogun junior
There are many aspects of a marriage relationship that impact a couple's sexual intimacy, and money is a common one. This may relate to the symbolic meaning of money, to fears associated with financial insecurity, to a 'barter' attitude about sex and money, or to relational patterns that are subtly tied to work. Identifying how your wife's sexual behaviour relates to your income is crucial to effecting change. It's equally important to recognise that sexual intimacy is dynamic between two people and rarely the problem of just one partner. So, while you work together on understanding her behaviour, work on what you may be contributing to the problem (besides a variable income).
Money as a symbol is a place to start. Ask yourselves what money means to each of you. In our culture, it is most often associated with power and a sense of competence or prestige. When your sense of personal worth is linked to wealth, your relational world can be impacted by changes in your finances. Being able to have the manifestations of wealth becomes the basis of your self-acceptance. If these evidences of value or importance wane, it becomes a threat to your wellbeing. That, in turn, can affect your feelings of sexual attractiveness or playfulness. Similarly if money means "power," a mate who is financially successful may be more attractive. The presence or absence of wealth is often connected with inner feelings of safety and security. Depending on a person's childhood economic experience, one may become quite anxious if assets are threatened.
It is not uncommon for sex to be conditioned to other life-performance issues. Some couples drift into patterns of using sexual favours as a reward for or motivation towards some desired behaviour. This is a potentially dangerous basis for intimacy since there is usually some feeling of resentment attached.

I sleep off before the foreplay is over

For years, my wife has told me that conversation is an important part of foreplay for her. I try to stay focused during that time before sex, but I get sleepy and lose interest. As a result, my wife gets the conversation she needs, and I don't get the intercourse I need. I'd feel selfish if I didn't provide the kind of foreplay she needs, but how can I stay awake long enough to close the deal?

Mr Peter Leo
Conversation is an important aspect of foreplay for most women. So the most obvious solution to your dilemma is to find a better time of day to play around. That will allow you to enjoy an unhurried interval for conversation, relaxing foreplay and intercourse that will be satisfying to both of you. This could be earlier in the evening or even before work in the morning. If you live close to the office, you could even schedule a mid-day rendezvous.
If you can express your frustration and ask for your wife's help, together you may find other creative solutions. Sometimes, it's hard for men to share their needs openly, seeing such an admission as a sign of weakness or failure. But wives usually want to be just as sensitive to their husbands' sexual rhythm and responses as their husbands are to theirs. Your wife is probably thankful for your concern about her needs and will welcome the opportunity to reciprocate.
Another solution can be for you to be satisfied by an occasional "quickie"-sex without the lengthy preliminaries. I have found that even a quickie can be mutually enjoyable.
Being sexually satisfied greatly influences your husband's ability to perform at work.

It is a big sex turn off for me

My husband is constantly grabbing my breast. No matter what I am doing, he will come up and grab my breasts. I have explained this is a turn off, but it does not seem to matter to him and immediately he does that, he is ready for sex. He also wants me to pose like a striper. He says this is his style. How can I get him to stop and behave like a normal adult?

Mrs Tayo palms from Oyo state
I would rather you wisely show him what works for you rather than getting irritated. Most times, his behaviour is just a misguided male libido! It would seem men would begin to realise what "works." Some males are convinced that an aggressive approach to affection makes him an irresistible, romantic rascal which many wives don't enjoy but this does not mean his sexual request should be rejected.
Was his intense interest in your breasts once a turn- on for you? If that attention made you feel sexy and alluring, he could have been rewarded for his "fondling." There might still be ambivalence on your part about his inability to control his passion around you.
The change you desire may require some nice behaviour modification on your part. You can try ignoring the unwanted attention and rewarding any sign of the approach that does turn you on, but make sure you don't send him off.
Another method would be implosive therapy. Turn the tables and make aggressive approaches toward him. That change in the "dance" may remove whatever excitement he gets from being "on the make."
Whatever you do, do not come across as a critical mother or teacher, but as a lover longing for intimacy.

I regret my choice of woman as wife

We have been married for three years and though I try to do all the "right" things, it is still difficult to arouse my wife during foreplay. Sometimes, the more I touch her, the drier she gets and the whole exercise becomes unpleasant. She is circumcised and we are both frustrated! Sometimes when I hear all the sexual escapades of some of my friends with their wives, I secretly regret my choice of woman for a wife. And to make matter worse, she does not see anything good in sex, if we don't have it, she is just fine.

Mr. Provinlo Black
Arousal is a complicated physiological process influenced more by relational, emotional and soulish issues than physical stimuli. This is especially true for women. It sounds as though those components may provide keys to your wife's failure to become aroused. I will suggest the two of you explore your experiences, attitudes, and expectations about sexual intimacy under a good communication relationship. Begin by writing out your earliest memories about sexual awareness. Include what images you remember and the feelings and interpretations you made as a child. These memories will likely go back to preschool years. Carry the process throughout your developmental years, identifying the attitudes and expectations your experiences produced. For instance, many women recall sexual abuse, which can cause them to become detached or paralysed with fear when approached sexually. Next, investigate your courtship. How did your physical expressions of affection influence you? Many couples will overlook or minimise negative feelings during the passion and excitement of dating and marriage. Compare your interpretations of your relationship. Often couples have quite different impressions. It is easy, in fact normal, for each person to view events through opposing mental filters. The sensitive romantic caresses of a husband may feel like invasion to a wife who has not resolved recent conflict or hurt.
Men tend to focus only on the physical aspects of sexual intimacy, while wives are unresponsive when the relational foundation has not been laid. No amount of tender caressing will produce vaginal lubrication if her emotional needs are not met. Then finally, you must find out the degree of her circumcision and be very gentlemanly with her by exploring other parts of her body that can compensate for her clitoris such as her breast nipples, inner thigh, kissing and good foreplay. Please do not nurse the fact that you are doomed. A good mind-set is a good ingredient in any marriage relationship.

Is it true?

Since having our two children, my husband and I have lost our sex drives and have mutually agreed sex is no longer important. Is there anything wrong with this?
Umman Uyimere

If you are both being honest, I see nothing wrong with your chastity agreement. Keep your options open, however, since sexual interest varies throughout seasons of life. Having children can certainly impact your sexual interests. The fatigue alone could ruin your romance. Worries of having another baby or being unable to support your family's needs may also contribute. If there are underlying conflicts about your sexual intimacy, investigate those.
My major concern is that sexual intimacy and physical pleasure are significant parts of humans needs. Denying their expression may cause either or both of you to become susceptible to outside sexual attractions. Keep a close watch on your hearts and model physical affection for your children. Good family planning will also help.

My husband hates the mess of sex

My husband hates the after sex mess. Every time we finish making love, he wants to clean up immediately. I would rather celebrate in the passion and romance and lie in each other's arms. What should I do?
Mrs Mosope Judith.

It is remarkable how intense the discomfort with sexual fluids can be for some people. At times, the response can create actual nausea.
If your frustration with his immediate departure creates a serious block for you, I would recommend you start getting use to that fact, it a part of your husband you may not be able to change right away. Accept him as he is and as time goes on, it would not border you any longer. Your husband can be de-conditioned from his dislike to sticky secretion. It is also important for him to understand your desire for those romantic moments of cuddling. There may be other adjustments that could help (e.g., use of a condom or keeping a towel available).

Disabled and in pain

Dear Funmi, my husband was disabled in a bad accident and now he is in constant pain. Therefore, we have not had sex in a long time. I love my husband and want to turn him on. I have exhausted every option: dressing up, taking a vacation, marriage counselling, and sexual toys. Nothing helps. I really miss his touch. In addition, being without it is killing my self-esteem. Any ideas on what to do?
Wonder Praise

Chronic pain is often too difficult to ignore in order to respond sexually. Have you and your husband pursued every avenue to achieve pain control? If not, go to a doctor for treatment and emotional rehabilitation.
Your best approach for physical affection and sexual release is to tell your husband just what you told me. You expressed your love and concern for your husband; you indicated your willingness and attempts to make things happen. You stated clearly your desire for his affection-and what has happened to your self-esteem because of not having sex. Your husband needs to hear those things. As a person in pain, he should be able to identify with your pain.
If he has not read the mail you sent me, write those words in a love note to him. Let him know he does not have to become some super lover, but that you want to feel his touch again. Maybe you can remind him of the warmth you once shared. Then discuss some ways you can both work to have a satisfying sexual relationship. For example if his hands are not involved in the accident, both of you could have foreplay together and he could 'finger' you to orgasm. While you tried marriage counselling before, you may also want to consider revisiting that option as well.

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