- Just for laughs
- My BLACK RANGE ROVER JEEP
- Last minute confessions
- "CUT ! ".
- Peter & Nora on whatsapp
Just for laughs
Lets see how much our 'ribs will crack' from these bloopers and witty remarks that are made even more dramatic by their spontaneity and shrouded irony in some cases.
Pat Williams:We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play.
Scout to Bill Shankley: He has football in his blood.
Bill Shankley: You may be right,but it hasn't reached his legs yet.
A journalist asks boxer Chris Eubank the following question during an interview:
Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?
Chris Eubank: On what?
Muhammad Ali: I've seen George Foreman shadow-boxing and the shadow won.
Eddie Shaw: He has turned defensive boxing into a poetic art. Trouble is nobody ever knocked anybody out with a poem.
Golf commentator: One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh, my God, what have I just said?
Metro Radio: Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.
George Best: I spent 90 percent of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted!
Oscar Gamble: They don't think it be likeit is, but it do.
Jerry Rice: I feel like I'm the best, but you're not going to get me to say that.
Karl Malone: I ain'tgonna be no escape-goat.
Rita Rudner: The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said, If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down.
Kevin Keegan: The Germans only have one player under 22, and he's 23!
We deserved to win this game after hammering them 0-0 in the first half.
Doug Plank: Most football players are temperamental. That's 90 percent temper and 10 percent mental.
Tito Fuentes: They shouldn't throw at me. I'm the father of five or six kids.
David Beckham: I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet.
Jimmy Demaret: Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.
George Best on Paul Gascoigne: I once said Gazza's IQ was less than his shirt number and he asked me: What's an IQ?
Ruud Gullit: We must have had 99 per cent of the match. It was the other three per cent that cost us.
Jasper Carrott: I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
John Lambie, Partick Thistle Manager, when told his concussed striker did not know who he was: That's great, tell him he's Pele, and get him back on.
Tom Landry: Football is an incredible game. Sometimes it's so incredible, it's unbelievable.
Derek Rae: It's headed away by John Clark, using his head.
Murdo Macleod: That was only a yard away from being an inch-perfect pass.
Torrin Polk: He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.
Bob Varsha: The drivers have one foot on the brake, one on the clutch and one on thethrottle.
Jeremy Roenick: Yeah, I'm cocky and I am arrogant. But that doesn't mean I'm not a nice person.
Michael Jordan: I've never lost a game. I just ran out of time.
Eric Cantona: I prefer to play and lose rather than win, because I know in advance I'm going to win.
Lou Duva: He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.
You can sum up this sport in two words: You never know.
Bill Peterson: You guys line up alphabetically by height.
Weldon Drew: We have a great bunch of outside shooters. Unfortunately, all our games are played indoors.
Fade into Bolivian, I guess.
He called me a 'rapist' and a 'recluse.' I'm not arecluse.
Doug Collins: Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win.
Bob Paisley: If you're in the penalty area and don't know what to do with the ball, put it in the net and we'll discuss the options later.
John Motson (BBC Sports): For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip.
Rodney Marsh: I think Sheffield are a very poor football team. They are like a man who's got diarrhoea who can't get his trousers down.
Chuck Nevitt: My sister's expecting a baby and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt.
Cliff Morgan: The immortal Jack Milburn died today.
Mark Viduka: I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league.
Richard Sasuly: Nobody has ever bet enough on a winning horse.
Ian Mcnail: We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalised.
Jim Murray: Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.
Alan Winter: Sure, there have been deaths and injuries in boxing, but none of them serious.
Pedro Guerrero: Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean.
Chuck Knox: Most of my clichés aren't original.
Shaquille O'Neal: I've won at every level, except college and pro.
Ian St John: Batistuta gets most of his goals with the ball.
Ebbe Skovdahl: Statistics are like miniskirts. They give you good ideas but hide the important things.
Rocky Graziano: I quit school in the sixth grade because of pneumonia. Not because I had it, but because I couldn't spell it.
Greg Morgan: I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.
Derek P: If practice makes perfect, and no one is perfect, why practice?
Jean Paul Sartre: In soccer everything is complicated by the presence of the opposite team.
Ian Darke: Never go for a 50-50 ball unless you are 80-20 sure of winning it.
BertiVogts: If I walked on water, my accusers would say it is because I can't swim.---------------------------------------------------------------
My BLACK RANGE ROVER JEEP
A man forgot to zip-up his trouser , so a lady told him politely:
“Sir! Your garage is open”.
The man gave her a naughty smile as he zips up and asked:
“Did you see my BLACK RANGE ROVER JEEP parked inside?”
The lady smiled back and said:
“No! Just one small KEKE-NAPEP (Tricycle) with two Flat tires”---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last minute confessions
A man and his wife were traveling to Italy by air, as they were at the peak of the journey, the pilot announced that: “Ladies and gentlemen, we are sorry to announce that one of the engines has stopped working while the remaining one is not functioning as required therefore, we may crash in a few minutes from now. We advise that everyone should reconcile with God and settle every issues that need to be settled.”
At that point, Mr. Manji touched his wife Ellista
and said “Honey, please forgive me ooooo,
your sister Simi that stays with us is my sex machine,we had several abortions she has even planned to poison you on our return from Italy so that the both of us will elope to U.S.A please find a place in your heart to forgive me.!
She responded “No problem dear”
She continue, “since it’s confession moment, let me
also confess.Please you must also forgive me oooo, John and Esther among our three children are not your biological children.Your biological child is Victoria the rest belong to Eti your best friend.You also remember you were robbed by armed robbers last year?”
He answered “Yes I remember”
She continued “I actually set you up by some gangs who robbed you because I needed to pay for my boy-friend Albrass’ tuition fee.He got admission in Oxford University in England. Even now as we are talking, I have arranged for your death through hired assassins on our return."
Mr. Manji replied,“no problem I've forgiven you.”
Meanwhile as the confessions were going on, the pilot announced again. “Ladies and gentlemen, it's like you people are powerful men/women of faith because, God has answered your prayers, the two engines are perfectly ok and we are sure of safe landing”!
At that point, the whole passengers became mute instead of celebrating the good news.
One of the passengers shouted “Pilot, Pilot, this plane must crash ooooo or we will crash the plane” everybody echoed;“Yes,ooooooh!!!”
"CUT ! ".
From Tobe Obi -Nigeria
A couple of days ago, I needed to see a close friend of mine for an important discussion and we concluded to hold the meeting in a nearby fast food joint.
I arrived at the place earlier and decided to take some snacks while waiting for my friend.
I was almost finishing my drink when a man dressed in a white flowing Agbada walked in with a briefcase. Judging from his look and medium-sized potbelly, one can sense that he's a politician.
He barely sat down and ordered for what he will eat when a young lady came to his table crying profusely. She narrated how her Dad was admitted into hospital for surgery and the Doctors requested for N300,000.00 deposit before the operation can be carried out.
After consoling this young lady and asking for her details, the man just picked his briefcase and gave the lady a million naira cheque. Like a sprinter, the lady ran as fast as her legs could carry her.
Not up to 5 minutes later, a middle-aged man came to the same man and prostrated before him. He explained how he was sacked unjustly and now he needed to pay his rent and start a small business. This man again told him to stand up, asked for his details and gave the man 2 Million naira cheque.
I sat there motionless and I began to think of the story to get my share of this man's "National Cake". I stood up, walked up to him and began to cry.
I was about to tell my own story when I heard "CUT ! ".
Someone tapped me and said "young man, we are shooting a film HERE
Peter & Nora on whatsapp
From Prince Ndigwe Emeka - Nigeria
Peter : Hi dear.
Nora : ✋
Peter : how are you .??
Nora : 😊👍
Peter : missing me..?
Nora : 😜😉
Peter : I'm not feeling well...
Nora : 😱
Peter : How was your day..???
Nora : 👌
Peter : are you busy.??
Nora : ✔
Peter : Why ?? What are you doing ??
Peter : is there anyone near you..??
Nora : ❌
Peter : why don't you reply in words? Why are you using smiley faces?
Nora :- 😥😡
Peter : I heard you failed in English ??
Nora: Who telled you ? It is unpossible.. I went to saw the resalt yestathey... I Passed away
Peter : hmmm lets go back to smileys pls 😳😳😳
Nora:- ok dear, God blast you.