Chinyere Fred Adegbulugbe
She should have seen it coming. She probably even did as, before they got married, he already had two children out of wedlock. But Biodun kept faith in her love for Marcel, her husband. The love, she says, was almost at first sight.
So, when the heartbreaks started coming, she almost couldn’t handle the shock.
“First, it started with an older friend’s daughter, who was almost young enough to be his daughter. To think that he was sleeping with her was simply unthinkable. When I found out, it almost broke me. I cried for weeks. But of course Marcel denied it when I confronted him. He said some people, who didn’t want me to enjoy my marriage, were working hard to break my home and that I was letting them do it. But I had my facts, which he didn’t know of. As a matter of course, the little brat he was sleeping with didn’t bother to deny it when some of my friends confronted her. As far as she was concerned, there was nothing new under the sun.
“That incident almost broke the marriage, but for one reason or the other, we stayed together. But surely the trust went with it. I just couldn’t bring myself to trust my husband anymore. But he was still my husband, and I still loved him.
“However, as I was still struggling to see how I could learn to trust him again, he started again. Or probably he never really stopped, and only changed his partner or partners as I later found out.
“From colleagues in his office to other people I don’t even know about, he was just having a field day. The late nights became an everyday affair. ‘The job is getting more hectic,’ he was always telling me. My husband, who couldn’t get enough of me in bed, was no longer interested in having sex with me. It was either he complained of back pains or he said he worked too hard in the office and therefore needed to rest. All lies.
“Am I ready to leave him? Not that I have thought of it, but I can’t. I still love him. Of course saying this makes me appear stupid to many people, I know. But that’s the truth. I still love my husband and wish very much that I can enjoy being married to him; something that has eluded me for a long time.
“But even beyond that, am I ready to subject my children to the trauma of growing up knowing that their parents were separated or even divorced? No, at least not yet.
“My friend has told me to start using condoms at least to protect myself from HIV and other sexually transmitted infections, since my husband has proved he can’t be faithful to me, but I refused. I have never used condom, even before marriage, and I don’t even like the idea of using it at all. Furthermore, if I insist that my husband must use condom when he wants to make love to me, won’t he use that as a justification for his extramarital affairs? My friend thinks I am stupid.”
This isn’t the first time a woman will find herself in this situation, and definitely it won’t be the last. But some women, probably because they have seen other people’s lives destroyed by diseases they sexually contracted from randy spouses, have grown more calculating and less sentimental.
A friend once confided in me that “Since the day I discovered that Ben was having an extramarital affair, I told him it is either we make love with a condom or we don’t at all. And he accepted it when he saw that I wasn’t ready to budge.” Asking her if that wasn’t too hard, she replied that her health was more important to her than her marriage. “There is no way I am going to allow a man to ruin my life; it is not worth it,” she said.
Well, she is, to a large extent, a liberated woman. She is not only a medical doctor; she is also a lecturer in a tertiary institution. She can be said to have seen it all and she is also financially independent.
But the question really is beyond whether you should insist on using a condom when it is obvious that you have a spouse, who also has other sexual partners. Not that the health implications aren’t frightening enough. But it takes more than ensuring safe sex to make good sex happen between two people. The trust, people tell you, is quite essential. So, even with the condom, you may never regain that feeling that you are safe with your spouse.
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It is no solution!
ReplyDeleteBy Tigist ALEMAYEHU
For your Reference the story can be found below this commentary or Click 'show original Story' above.
Have Fun.
First of all I have trouble appreciating this lady because she is over-patient. To some extent that is good but every thing has its own limits, She really has the remorse and hard to find kind-of patience.
Come to think of it, might be some sort of explosion will take place beyond this endurance before she realises her mistakes. Yes of course repeatedly she mentioned that she loved him, But in my point of view she should not fool herself with putting up as a wife, in so far as the man continues to throw caution into the winds, and continues to have extra marital affairs with numerous sex partners.
Noting that previously: “he couldn’t get enough of her in bed, and now was on longer fascinated in having sex with her, Every day he had back pain, every day he worked too hard in the office, every day the job is getting more hectic, every time he had a Field day, there for he needs to have a rest …”
Pa Pa pa really If truth be told, he is such a hard worker Ke Ke Ke Ke….Can you imagine Dear reader, she believes that! …and its clear he doesn’t have any desire for her that much , for sure unless she pretends, does the explanations make any sense at all.
To this guy, would he search his conscience and check how much love he thinks he has for this woman. His is less concerned about things that will unite them more and bring about the desired loving environment that will give them a happy home. If the truth must be told he must accept the fact that, love cannot be successful without the involvement of the two indicating trust and desire for one another.
Love should not be one sided, but rather a game of two can tango, no matter at what level.
Fire cannot set without the presence of a flammable material then also love cannot be fruitful without the availability and infact the presence of the right partner at the right time.
This guy even appear not to be contented with his wife, rather than return from his wrong way he preferred to behave irresponsibly which resulted in a changed and changed wife.
Is he not thinking about bearing and raising his own children in a fit and proper way?
If all that goes through his mind is how to lay as many women as comes his way then one wonders what she is still waiting for.
She said that “for one reason or other we stayed together “ She should have stated these reason to enable us understand her plight better else if I was in her shoes, I will run away from this person with out delay.
I am very concerned about her worries on prevalence of numerous contagious and other sexually transmitted diseases, being aware that unless being tested professionally no one can tell from the looks if anyone is sick !
Its nice to have thought about the children, that is the more reason she should bold it and call the man to order, have thorough medical examination and let all concerned know their respective status. Else she should call it quits with safe sex with her spouse!
At the end of my suggestion I don’t need to encourage her to use the condom it is not solution for a serious family. I would like to advise her: every body cannot love some one more than him self if she loves her children she better find a way to continue to exist. Concerning this mater in the Holy Bible, it is written in black and white (Matthew 19: 9 “I tell you that any one who divorces his wife except for marital unfaithfulness and marries another woman commits adultery”)
So, in my outlook, first, he committed adultery. Second, she can divorce him officially. Her question will be replayed according to Matthew 19:9.
God bless you
this is me ….
Cheers!
When it is with condom or nothing
Chinyere Fred Adegbulugbe
She should have seen it coming. She probably even did as, before they got married, he already had two children out of wedlock. But Biodun kept faith in her love for Marcel, her husband. The love, she says, was almost at first sight.
So, when the heartbreaks started coming, she almost couldn’t handle the shock.
“First, it started with an older friend’s daughter, who was almost young enough to be his daughter. To think that he was sleeping with her was simply unthinkable. When I found out, it almost broke me. I cried for weeks. But of course Marcel denied it when I confronted him. He said some people, who didn’t want me to enjoy my marriage, were working hard to break my home and that I was letting them do it. But I had my facts, which he didn’t know of. As a matter of course, the little brat he was sleeping with didn’t bother to deny it when some of my friends confronted her. As far as she was concerned, there was nothing new under the sun.
“That incident almost broke the marriage, but for one reason or the other, we stayed together. But surely the trust went with it. I just couldn’t bring myself to trust my husband anymore. But he was still my husband, and I still loved him.
“However, as I was still struggling to see how I could learn to trust him again, he started again. Or probably he never really stopped, and only changed his partner or partners as I later found out.
“From colleagues in his office to other people I don’t even know about, he was just having a field day. The late nights became an everyday affair. ‘The job is getting more hectic,’ he was always telling me. My husband, who couldn’t get enough of me in bed, was no longer interested in having sex with me. It was either he complained of back pains or he said he worked too hard in the office and therefore needed to rest. All lies.
“Am I ready to leave him? Not that I have thought of it, but I can’t. I still love him. Of course saying this makes me appear stupid to many people, I know. But that’s the truth. I still love my husband and wish very much that I can enjoy being married to him; something that has eluded me for a long time.
“But even beyond that, am I ready to subject my children to the trauma of growing up knowing that their parents were separated or even divorced? No, at least not yet.
“My friend has told me to start using condoms at least to protect myself from HIV and other sexually transmitted infections, since my husband has proved he can’t be faithful to me, but I refused. I have never used condom, even before marriage, and I don’t even like the idea of using it at all. Furthermore, if I insist that my husband must use condom when he wants to make love to me, won’t he use that as a justification for his extramarital affairs? My friend thinks I am stupid.”
This isn’t the first time a woman will find herself in this situation, and definitely it won’t be the last. But some women, probably because they have seen other people’s lives destroyed by diseases they sexually contracted from randy spouses, have grown more calculating and less sentimental.
A friend once confided in me that “Since the day I discovered that Ben was having an extramarital affair, I told him it is either we make love with a condom or we don’t at all. And he accepted it when he saw that I wasn’t ready to budge.” Asking her if that wasn’t too hard, she replied that her health was more important to her than her marriage. “There is no way I am going to allow a man to ruin my life; it is not worth it,” she said.
Well, she is, to a large extent, a liberated woman. She is not only a medical doctor; she is also a lecturer in a tertiary institution. She can be said to have seen it all and she is also financially independent.
But the question really is beyond whether you should insist on using a condom when it is obvious that you have a spouse, who also has other sexual partners. Not that the health implications aren’t frightening enough. But it takes more than ensuring safe sex to make good sex happen between two people. The trust, people tell you, is quite essential. So, even with the condom, you may never regain that feeling that you are safe with your spouse.
Should men now use condoms with their wives?
ReplyDeleteWritten by Chioma Gabriel
This is talking about men and women protecting themselves from one another especially those with multiple sex partners to avoid spreading sexually transmitted diseases. Men are polygamous by nature. Even those that have one wife are into other relationships. It is very difficult, almost impossible to see a man that is having sex with only one woman.
It is believed something is either fundamentally wrong with that man or he is out of this world. Or maybe, he is a pastor but then there are all kinds of pastors these days ...eh!
But the important thing is to protect one another and as ridiculous as it sounds, it is getting to the stage where men may have to use condoms when copulating with their wives either to protect themselves or the women. It all depends who the cheat is.
Vivien, a salesgirl sent me a text message saying many women cheats are cropping up these days in their bid to acquire material wealth and things of the flesh that would make them (women) feel good. She told a story of a particular woman who frequents her shop to buy sexy-looking clothes. The woman who also has a shop not very far away from hers would come to her shop in iro and buba and gele. By the time she would be leaving, she (the woman) would have transformed into a ravishing beauty that even if her husband catches her with another man on the road, he would not recognised her because of her transformation from an iro and buba responsible-looking housewife to a lady of the street after visiting her shop.
The salesgirl was so sure the woman was having a ‘ball’ with another man outside her matrimonial home and is trying to hide it by transforming into ‘another’ woman altogether each time she wants to do her ‘kurukere’ business. Well... That’s what we are saying all these while. I always tell anybody who cares to listen that a married woman in extra-marital relationship is ‘dancing naked in the public’. It is the whole truth because besides being a disgrace to womanhood, such a woman can pick an infection and pass on to her husband. And the plague will spread, even to the children.
This week also, we shall publish a contribution from Marcellina who is advocating for abstinence rather than the use of condoms because condoms can fail.
Condoms cannot stop the spread of the plague. Abstinence can: Marcellina, 32
My name is sister Marcellina. I am married and I have three kids from my husband. I was reading the debate on the above issue and saw some of the contributions for and against the use of condoms. But I think the important thing we are missing here is abstinence. I am speaking from experience and I advice that when one is not so sure, one should abstain even if it amounts to one not fulfilling marital obligations. Life has no duplicate and should be guarded jealously even though it is God that gives life. But no one climbs an iroko tree and then lets loose his hands because he knows God would protect him. You don’t put God to test.
My experience emanates from the use of condoms which I knew can fail. I didn’t realise until after two kids that my husband was into extra-marital affairs until he infected me with gonorrhea. We were lucky it was not syphilis or HIV but it took us time to get healed. It is either my husband did not take care of himself very well because a lot of things began to happen that affected his manhood. Most times, he could not get it up and whenever he did, what he released into me always made me sick.
Before I knew it, I was back to square one. I caught the infection again and the whole cycle of treatment started. This time around, I was very strict with my husband. We did not have sex for three months because of the treatment we were undergoing. I conducted a test afterwards and was certified healthy. But my husband was still battling with his. The sore on his penis almost cut ‘his weapon’ into two. He had to take a lot of antibiotics for a much longer period but as he was getting healed, he said he could not control his feelings anymore, that he was missing sex.
Then one night, he came home with a packet of condom which he said he could be using. And after an argument that nearly resulted into a fight, I was told to be a submissive wife. And for weeks, we were using the condom. But one night, my husband got so aggressive and at the end of it, we realised the condom got torn while he was at it. I ended up not only being pregnant but pregnant with an infected foetus. My immediate thought was to have the foetus flushed out.
My husband insisted I should have the baby, arguing that since he was on antibiotics, the impact would not be much on the baby. He forgot completely that I too had been re-infected and I decided to go and see doctor. I confided my fears in him and he agreed with me that having a flush would be ideal. More tests were conducted and he changed his mind after the tests, saying the results did not show that I had the infection.
It was the most difficult pregnancy of the three pregnancies I had. My heart was not at rest. I blamed my husband for everything and had a most terrible relationship and had a most terrible relationship with him during the period. During the sixth month of the pregnancy, the result of another test showed there was an infection but it was not strong. I thought of a thousand and one things. I wouldn’t want to have a deformed baby and as a pregnant woman, it’s not all drugs that I could take especially very strong antibiotics. Then, I became very sickly towards the end and had a very painful and difficult labour. I bled profusely after delivery. It was a miracle that I did not pass on.
The child I had is not malformed but he is different from the rest of the kids. He is not as intelligent as the others.
In fact, he is slow in everything but we have been assured he is okay. The doctor advised me to change my mind-set about the baby. He is four years now and I think he is okay. But trauma is unforgettable. And that brings me back to the issue, that using condoms can fail like it failed us. I had to battle with treating gonorrhea for a long time and even despite the use of condoms, I still got infected and even got pregnant. So, the issue here is complete abstinence. Forget condoms. I think God used the experience to teach us a lesson and that’s why I’m sharing it. Total faithfulness in marriage should be the issue here and abstinence, not condoms.
Should men now use condoms with their wives?
ReplyDeleteWritten by Chioma Gabriel
Saturday,
I got a text message from Isodje Akpomoume lamenting Amaka’s story but he insisted it would be wrong for wives to ask their husbands to use condoms. According to him: “I think the men should be educated on the need to stay healthy, not for their wives alone but also for themselves. They should imbibe the fear of God which would deter them from sin.”
Akponoune’s response was just one of the text messages I got on the issue. An elaborate story was told by Maxim who is resident in the UK and he says it is not wrong for husbands to use condoms on their wives because even the men need protection too. Here is Maxim’s experience:
For eight months, my wife and I made love with condoms — Maxim, 35
My name is Maxim and I’m a native of Edo State of Nigeria. I was living in the United Kingdom since I was 22 and I’m into internet installations. I met my wife, an Igbo lady Ify based in Nigeria through the internet. We started chatting and then, I had cause to be home in 2005 and met her for the first time. She was into public relations and she met everything I desired in a woman. I had a lot of girlfriends in the past and even though I’m into condoms, I also had my careless moments too with the girls.
When I came to Nigeria and saw the lady, I also saw the possibility of taking the relationship to the next level and we needed to conduct certain tests. I told her my thinking and she accepted. We went for the tests and found out we are compatible. But there are other considerations too. The HIV test we did proved negative. But you know HIV has a hibernation period. If one catches it, it does not manifest immediately. It may take six or more months before it manifests. My wife and I had that at the back of our mind even though the initial test proved negative. I did not want to leave anything to chance and be careless because marriage is a life-long experience.
I needed to protect myself and the woman too. So, after our introduction and our relationship became official, we started making love with condoms. It was not convenient for me particularly because I needed to feel my wife but common sense prevailed. My wife also was not comfortable with that but all the same, we carried on like that for eight months and then went for a second test to confirm the first one which also proved negative.
I knew what it cost me because I was shuttling between Nigeria and UK but today, my wife and I have no regrets. We are happily married and we have two healthy girls. I knew it sounded somehow but we are better off for it. My wife and I are now together and I don’t need to be visiting Nigeria to see her as I was doing. So, my suggestion is that couples in a relationship should conduct tests and give room for the hibernation period of HIV and do another test to ensure the ‘coast’ is clear. It is not strange to use condoms because life has no duplicate as they say. But all these would be useless if any of the partners is cheating on the other after undergoing the tests.
A cheating wife or husband should always protect himself/herself to ensure they don’t catch diseases and pass it on. The key word is faithfulness. Moreover, it is not only HIV that is sexually transmitted. There are other diseases that can be transmitted sexually or by sharing of instruments and that should be taken into consideration also.