… a vanquished wife is the last thing you need !
The word nag is one word that sounds terrible to both sexes; no woman wants to hear that she nags and no husband will ever conclude that he doesn’t have a nagging wife. Nagging itself is not totally a bad word when it’s properly used, if the men are willing to consider what they are being nagged on. To husbands, to nag means to irritate, hassle, pester, plague and all other negative words that you can ever mention. However, nagging also means to keep on at, which implies consistency. Husbands are fond of making decisions that involves their families’ future without asking for their wives' contribution.
Due to the man’s logical nature, it’s natural for him to think up a great plan for his family (often the motive isn’t right) and present it to his wife (that is, if he ever does that before the wife gets to know) expecting her to say ‘yes my lord.’ If the wife insists that her opinion be heard, the easy conclusion that he makes is, she is nagging me.This is a positive form of nagging; the contribution of that wife could have being what will save the day.
I believe strongly that if every husband is honest enough, they will admit that there was a time in the life of their marriage that it was the unaccepted opinion of their wife that they were nagged to accept that actually saved the day. Some will also have a lamentation that, they wish they had listened to their wives years ago.I have come to this conclusion, behind every successful man is a woman that nagged and behind every man that failed is a woman that kept quiet. I came to this conclusion from the story of Ananaias and Saphira in the bible; if the wife had raised an opposing voice against her husband’s suggestion, she could have saved him and herself from untimely death.
I was told a true life story of a couple; the husband just refused to listen to his wife’s suggestion to buy one of the low cost houses when it was put for sale. She ‘nagged’ him but he didn’t bulge because to him there will be other properties that will be put for sale later in the future and he wasn’t prepared to part with the money with him not for anything then. Years later, he was still paying rent instead of owning his own property and with lots of regrets.
There is no home more horrifying than the one that the wife has being silenced. The husband might feel like a victor who has vanquished an opposition, but he has actually silenced an integral part of his life. Wives are like the conscience of their husbands; we really don’t like most of the things our conscience asks us to do, but in the end, its wisdom reveals itself in the result that comes forth from obeying or rejecting its suggestions. Once a man’s conscience is silenced, he is a walking dead; a zombie.
One advantage of the emotional nature of the woman is the ability to know some things intuitively; they can sense danger even in calm waters with a level of accuracy that the male logic may not discern. I had a call from a pastor who said he got the information about me from one of my books; he has just returned from Liberia for a ministerial duty here in Lagos. I got his particulars and promised to visit him the following day. When I told my wife, the first thing she said was, are you sure this guy is not a 419er’?
There was also another experience I want to share. A friend once suggested that I give him part of my salary for a deal that was going to bring lots of goodies. When I told my wife about the deal after the money had been given; her conclusion was that we have being swindled. My friend’s fiancée said exactly the same thing to my friend. Both my wife and my friend’s fiancee were right. Again, we were swindled. So it is always important to think twice when your wife warns you against something you plan to do. There is a woman’s intuition that is very strong and senses trouble even when it does not appear to be so.
Why is it that husbands’ don’t listen to their wives? I believe the key answer is our ego; we want to be seen as the initiator and leader of every plan in the family. We want the emperor position; the one who dish the order and the subjects obey unquestionably. If we must be effective as leaders in our homes, we must not be paramount leaders; history has shown that leaders with this status don’t have a lasting dynasty. When our wives nag, instead of telling them to go to hell, we need to learn to listen to what they have to say and then make logical deductions considering their opinion because the outcome we will get from it will not affect us only but also the entire family.
A Reader's Reaction:
I don’t agree a man needs a nag as a wife—Azu
I read your article. Chioma, I am one of those guys who believe that superior argument rather than nagging, should shape any family decision. In my opinion, nagging is different from logical argument. Nagging puts everybody (man and woman alike) off balance. Nagging is irritating and diverts attention from real issues. A lady who nags constantly fails to make an informed opinion. Men respect and adore ladies who argue their points well.
I disagree with your conclusion that “behind every successful man is a woman that nagged and behind every man that failed is a woman that kept quiet”. Rather, what we should say is that beside every successful man, there is an understanding and positive woman. To be honest, bringing the issue of Annanais and Saphira, is to me, like comparing oranges with apples! In that scenario, we were presented with the case of two adults who conspired to err.
I do not see how nagging has any positive side.
Thanks,
Azu (Durham, England).
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Till death do us part…
This statement is fast losing meaning. Let me ask you a question that I have being asking singles for sometime now; how long do you want to be married?
Someday (that is if you have not) you will stand before the person that has being assigned by the state and before God to take an oath committing yourself to another person of the opposite sex, till death do you part. It’s so easy to have a big picture of a marriage with death do us part experience, but it is clear that the rate of divorce is reaching an alarming rate all over the world. In Nigeria today, it’s estimated that for every 100 marriages that is conducted, 40 will end in divorce. I believe that a large chunk of the 60 will live with one another not because the fire of love is still burning but for some other reasons.
The choices you make will determine if you will get your marital dream fulfilled and remain in a happy marriage union till death do either of you part. Those decisions when wrongly made and divorce is considered an option will have a negative effect on the couples, their children and the people who are looking up to them. The rate of violence amongst youths can be traced to turbulence in the relationship of their parents or the hurt that came from divorce.
One reality we must wake up to is that divorce is becoming an option that is seen as a way out from what people call ‘a terrible marriage.’ I have had to counsel married men who wanted to throw down the towel, and I have seen some actually give up and walk out on their marriage.
I have observed that some factors can be attributed to be the major cause of divorce in our society. When challenges erupt in a relationship, more often than not, wrong words are exchanged by the couples which will have a negative effect on their relationship. Women tend to keep records of negative words that their partner said to them because of their emotional nature.
Communication breakdown is a major reason for divorce; once there is communication breakdown, other things will naturally fall apart too.
Familiarity is another reason for the breakdown of many marriages; couples after being married for sometime become too familiar with one another and as the English adage says, familiarity always leads to contempt.
Isaac Digi, a family consultant and a preacher made the following statement to buttress this point; Men change because there is what is called the enemies of marriage.
First and foremost, you have what is called familiarity. You have become so familiar with him that you take him for granted. The man you used to paint your face for anytime you know he is coming, but all of a sudden, he is your husband now and he is coming. And it’s like, but he has seen me before, what am I looking for? But whether you like it or not, your appearance, have an effect on your husband.
Another reason that I have observed have lead to an increasing rate of divorce is character failure of either of the couples. I do read columns of divorce in newspapers; my observation is that the number of women seeking for divorce far outweighs their male counterpart. In male related divorce issue, adultery is usually the key reason a man will no longer want to live with a woman. Adultery breaks down relationship, because relationship thrives in the atmosphere of trust.
Dr. Sherman S. Watkins, in the book, Listen to her and understanding him, wrote the following words, “When the Lord looks at fornication in a relationship, He sees a thief and a murderer. A thief because you have taken a portion of the body that belongs to someone else and given it to another. Once you give your body to another, you actually die out of the original relationship...
Lack of persistence can be attributed to the breakdown of marriages. Dr. Alfred Kinsey who is a sexuality researcher did a study of 6000 marriages and 8000 divorces revealed that, “There may be nothing more important in marriage than a determination that it shall persist. With such a determination, individual force themselves to adjust and to accept situation which would seem sufficient ground for breakup, if continuation of the marriage is not the prime objective.”
The present economic depression has had its negative consequence not only on people in general but also on the family. Men who lose their jobs are most affected; when this happened, some of their wives became the breadwinners of the family. Men because of their ego take pride in being the breadwinner of their family; when this negative event happened, it left many of them developing low self esteem. Some of them just gave up on life, they began to ill treat their wives and didn’t believe that their wives were not involved sexually with their bosses in the office because of the rapid promotion they got. Some of the women couldn’t handle the changes in their husband (some of them became physically abusive) and opted out of the marriage .
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A Question and An answer
Question:
My name is Gladys. I’m 24 years. I have a boyfriend of 30 years old who has promised to marry me and show me to his parents. But he has a lot of other girlfriends and he can’t tell them that he has a serious relationship. He keeps talking to them on phone. He said he wants to be nice to them and doesn’t want to break their hearts. Please I need your advice because I love him.
Gladys.
Answer:
You are dealing with a player. I can assure you the guy has told all the girls the same thing he told you, that he would show them to his parents and probably would have told them he is still talking to you because he does not want to break your heart. Use your tongue to count your teeth. The sooner you dump him and move on with your life, the better for you because with a guy like that, you will definitely end up with a broken heart which would be fair enough if you don’t contact a sexually transmitted disease from him.
Extra contributions from : Femi Fasanya Email: singlesaffair@yahoo.com
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