When a 'husband-snatcher'got her comeuppance

Written by Bunmi Sofola
~Vanguard, Nigeria. Sunday, May 22, 2016

CHANCES of remarrying after a divorce might be slim; but some women are so lucky they even have third chances! A few weeks ago, Debbie, a once distraught wife, who has now got the hang of living with the intricacies of her husband's shenanigans came to the house looking radiant. "Would you come to a wedding party with me tomorrow?" she asked. Wedding?

As eagerly as families look forward to their offsprings getting married, the long-drawn ceremonies usually leave me climbing the walls. Engagement ceremonies I give a miss if I could get away with it. With the weddings proper, I usually ask the driver to be at the ready to get away anytime I get bored. Debbie knows of my aversion to weddings and assured me this one would be different.

"The couple had already got married abroad; they only came home for the wedding party," said Debbie. "Actually, the groom is Uncle Tony's wife's son." The plot thickens, I muttered. Debbie's Uncle Tony had been abroad for years and was married with four children, when his wife got tired of his philandering ways and kicked him out. By the time his divorce went through and the courts slapped a generous maintenance allowance on wife to be paid each month for the kids' upkeep, Uncle Tony came to Nigeria on holidays and never went back. He was determined his wife and kids wouldn't take him to the cleaners without a fight.

Instead, he used the nest-egg he'd brought back with him to complete a bungalow his ex-wife had no inkling he was building. His friends rallied round him by helping him set up a blockmaking business, and he was comfortable enough to take a new wife.The new wife, Bisi, was also married with five children before the husband exchanged her for a new model. They were both lucky to find each other, and Bisi relished her second-chance marriage.

I made N3,000 hawking water in 20 minutes - White Naija Girl

~PUNCH, Nigeria. Sunday, May 15, 2016

Popularly known as White Naija Girl, Ibukun Afolabi, from Hungary tells ARUKAINO UMUKORO why she decided to hawk sachet water on the streets of Lagos

Can you give a brief background of yourself?


My husband gave me a Nigerian (Yoruba) name, 'Ibukun,' which means 'blessing.' I am originally from Hungary. I live in the United Kingdom at the moment. In 2008, I came to the UK, where I met my husband, Gbenga Afolabi of MagnumN3. I studied Business and Management. I also hold degrees in German and French languages. When I first came to the UK, I could not speak English, so I had to start learning it from the beginning.

In 2012, I decided to start ­a blog, the whitenaijagirl.com, soon after I got married. Initially, I wanted to write a book, but my husband advised me to start a blog instead so I could reach more people. I started to write about my experiences as a 'Nigerian' wife. Soon, many people - men and women – in relationships with Nigerians started to contact me, asking different questions. The blog became quite successful. Finally, I visited Nigeria in the middle of October last year. I stayed for a month. It was during that period that the video of me selling sachet water was shot.

Was your visit to Nigeria in October your first trip to the country?

Yes it was. But here in the UK, I have had contacts with a lot of Nigerians. The church I attend in the UK is predominantly a Nigerian church. I have always been inspired by Nigerians and their way of living. I love the culture, food and their attitude to life. I also love it that Nigerians take education seriously. My husband is a film-maker and I produce most of his films. When we came to Nigeria; that was when I noticed how hard people in Nigeria are working and how much they needed to struggle on a daily basis to earn a living.


What was the inspiration behind the video of you selling pure water and drinks on the streets of Lagos?

It is because I saw these people doing this every day for a living. And I wondered why they had to live like that in a rich country like Nigeria. That 'pure' water video was done because I wanted to experience what Nigerians are going through, to empathise with them and to go through what they are going through. I realised that it is really hard. And I wanted people to know about this. In the UK, when you have a child, you get child benefits. In Nigeria, there is nothing like that. It is difficult for the women hawking 'pure' water. It is really a difficult job. I wanted to raise awareness about their plight. These people need help from the government. They don't have to risk their lives on the road doing such a job. That was purely my inspiration. It was a great experience, I felt their struggle, because it was hot, you could see me sweating. The load was very heavy. At the beginning, I could not take off the bowl from my head. It was hurting my head even though I had the scarf on. I am planning other projects to raise more awareness about the difficulties every day people face. For me, what I did (selling pure water) was not so extraordinary. What is extraordinary is that people are doing this job daily for a living.

That thing (bowl of sachet, bottled water and drinks) on my head felt so heavy and I only carried it for less than an hour. But those people who do it for a living actually do that for about eight to 10 hours a day. They are the real heroes, not me. I did it for less than an hour because we attracted a little too much attention so we could not carry on. And that was at the time the police were really after people selling on the streets. So, we were a little cautious so as not to get into trouble.

Were you scared at any point?

Avoid quarrels in your relationship

~Punch, Nigeria. Sunday, March 13, 2016

Every couple desires a happy relationship. Don't let misunderstandings ruin your bond.Follow these steps and let your relationship thrive

Identify the source

If you always quarrel in your relationship, you need to figure out where it is coming from. If the source is outside the relationship, don't treat it like a relationship problem. Money issues account for more relationship problems than any other source. But in reality, money is a financial problem. It only becomes a relationship problem if you let it.

Don't assign blame

The goal of a relationship is to draw a couple closer, not to alienate your best friend and life partner. Blaming your partner could be very destructive to a relationship and it never contributes to unity. The same goes for being critical of one another, all that will do is divide the relationship.

Acknowledge your partner's concerns

If something goes wrong and you feel responsible, it is easy to turn defensive when your partner expresses their concerns. Rather than turning it into a confrontation by defending yourself, put your ego aside and acknowledge his or her concerns with an understanding heart. You are in the relationship together and that means you probably have similar concerns that you need to work on.

Don't make wrong assumptions

If something happens that you are not sure of, don't make things worse by assuming. Instead of focusing on the negativities, sit down with your mate and discuss possible solutions. If you work together in a creative way you may be able to turn any brewing quarrel around.

When you realise that long-distance relationship isn't going to work!

Written by Bunmi Sofola

~Vanguard, Nigeria: Tony Chinonso

When Joanne left the comfort of her parents' home to study pharmacy at the university, she wasn't in the least apprehensive. A bubbly girl just turning 20, she looked forward to making friends. Inside a few months, she'd not only made friends, she found Alfred, a boyfriend she fell madly in love with! "He lived off campus," explained Joanne,' and I moved in with him in my second year. The rest of my stay at Ibadan just flew by, and in no time at all, I had a degree under my belt ready to go back to Lagos for another stage of my life.

"Alfred, who was studying architecture carried on studying, and it was a massive shock to go from living together to hardly seeing each other. Nevertheless, we decided to give the now long-distance romance a go. We rang each other most days, but it wasn't the same. Travelling to see each other every other weekend was stressful. The car I had wasn't top-notch and the roads were a nightmare.

Apart from the highly unpredictable traffic, pot­holes often ruined my car and I had to rely a few times on public transport. We were often under pressure to make the little time we were together brilliant, but it was such an effort. I began to realise the relationship might not work long-term. I was never going to go back to Ibadan, and I couldn't expect Alfred to move to Lagos.

"In the end, I had to make the awful decision to say goodbye but I had no choice, I told him how I felt one weekend just after Christmas, after I'd spent hours on the Ibadan-Lagos expressway trying to get to his digs. It was very late when I eventually made it and I was really grumpy. He was very upset but I think he also realised it wasn't working. I drove away from his place the next morning in tears and felt really sick. I couldn't bear the thought of never speaking to him again.

"We did carry on talking for a while, but about a year later, I got a boyfriend I was serious with and felt I had to be honest with him. We've managed to stay friends and he will always be a part of my life. I was genuinely happy for him when he told me about his new girlfriend when he eventually found one and how happy he is now. He'll definitely be one of the first people I'll invite if I ever get married, and I hope I get an invite if he does too…"

Alfred was really sorry distance had to permanently separate him from his first love. "From the moment I met Joanne, I found her very easy to get along with," he said. "We got on so well, I thought it was the real thing and that our relationship would last forever. I always knew she would eventually move back to Lagos when her course finished and I supported her decision to go back. I didn't realise a long-distance relationship would be that hard.

Valentine's Day Celebration - The real thing about Valentine's Day

Topics:

• The real thing about Valentine's Day
• 6 weird things men do before Valentine
• 7 Ways To Make Your Woman Feel Special On Valentine's Day
• Why condoms are 'bad' for you on Valentine's Day

______________________________________________
The real thing about Valentine's Day
Written by Niran Adedokun - Punch, Nigeria.
Twitter:@niranadedokun.

Niran Adedokun

Next Sunday is February 14. That day in which the world celebrates the memory of St Valentine, that day in which Nigerians show the world their bent to accept foreign ideas without reservation and surpass the initiator of such ideas in the execution of same. You have to take your hat off to Nigerians when commemoration allows for frolicking.

That is why on every Valentine's Day, something happens that makes the previous year's celebration insignificant. Things seem a bit drab this year though, apparently because of the downturn in the economy. Corporate entities, hurting from the sting of a near prostrate economy have bigger fish to fry this season than feed the indulgences of youths and delinquent adults who have twisted the import of an otherwise sombre event in the celebration of true affection for humanity.

So, this is an unusual year. At least from what I have witnessed of St Valentines days in the past one decade. By now, the air would have been filled with promotions of programmes targeted at ensuring that men and women have their fill of revelries and are modestly safe at savouring their indulgences.

For instance, a couple of years back, a federal university collaborated with one of the biggest banks in the country to "reduce" the incidence of HIV infections during that year's St Valentine's Day celebration. They planned an event and made condoms available to students of the institution in abundance such that they could sow their wild oats without the fear of any negative harvests.

That was a totally new one. I could not resist taking a quick reverie back to my days in the university; I came back with no memory of any elaborate celebration of St Valentine's Day. But things changed progressively. Youths began to get more daring and adventurous towards St Valentine's Day, they organised activities and gained sponsorships from corporates. To catch the attention of the youth, more and more brands struggle to key in to the Valentine opportunity year in, year out. This is a season that you cannot but notice.

How to build a stronger relationship: 10 tips to deepen trust

Written by Rita Okonoboh - Nigerian Tribune

Web: www.catherine-morris.com

Trust is the bedrock for building a strong relationship. However, lack of trust is one of the most common themes to surface in most relationships. If you are struggling with the issue of trust in your relationships sbelow are some tips to help you develop greater trust with your partner.

Trust means that you have placed your confidence and faith in your partner, and that you expect honesty, integrity, loyalty, and respect to be at the centre of your relationship. You also expect your partner to keep promises and confidences, and to stay with you when the going gets tough.

Your trust should always be earned; you should not give it to another lightly. When you first met your partner, you probably shared information that helped you to figure out whether or not he or she was "worthy" of your trust and of your heart. As you got to know your partner better, you most likely shared more vulnerable information about yourself, expecting that he or she would hold this most precious part of you in a place of safety and love. At some point, however, your wonderful partner may have either said or done something that triggered you and your trust was broken.

We are all inherently complex beings who bring our past experiences, hurts, fears and expectations into every new relationship we enter. Sometimes our woundedness spills over into our relationship and we lose our ability to feel safe in our relationship - regardless of whether or not our partner actually "deserved" our lack of trust.

If you would like to deepen the trust between you and your partner, please try these 10 tips:

• Keep what your partner tells you within the confines of your relationship. Telling others what your partner has shared with you in confidence destroys trust.

Why Hot Women Are Single

~TheGuardian, Nigeria

One of this world's most interesting phenomenons is when hot women are single. If you're reading this, chances are you are you are hot and constantly wondering why you're single. Or you know someone who is.

There are countless women in the world who are gorgeous, smart, witty, and down to earth. But in as much as these women are thriving in their careers, extremely loyal to friends and family, and have glorious senses of self-worth, they still find themselves being asked one question over and again - How are you single?

Why are women who meet even the most standard definition of beauty, and seem to be perfect, struggling so much to find dates today? Like, no one is calling up these women to hang out, or sending them drinks or food. And they definitely don't have anyone to call up to come spend time with them on lonely nights.

HERE ARE A COUPLE OF REASONS WHY HOT WOMEN ARE SINGLE:

1. She's no longer interested in dating just for the sake of it

As fun as casual dates can be, there are some people who no longer get any satisfaction from them. Maybe she would rather have one solid date than go on a thousand mediocre ones. It may not make a lot of sense to some people, but most women who feel this way just don't want to go out with a person they can't see themselves with in a long-term situation. While it may come across as being unnecessarily picky, but it's really just that she wouldn't want to waste her time or that of anyone else's.

2. She's done with her "hoe phase"

No, I don't think having casual, meaningless, no-strings-attached sex makes you a hoe. The "hoe phase" is simply a phase of liberated sexual exploration, as far as I'm concerned.

When men think they are playing games

Written by Biodun Ogungbo - Punch, Nigeria. 

Easy prey

As many women know, men are easy and can be led by their penises in most instances. Men just want to get their rocks off without any emotional baggage. For example, a man took his wife to the hospital. After the consultation, the doctor said, ‘Sir, you will not be able to have sex with your wife for about two weeks while everything heals’. He looked at the doctor incredulously, laughed in derision and said, ‘No problem, I have three wives!’ In effect, it is her loss if her ‘you know what’ is out of commission. Nothing to do with him! With free sex on tap, most men will say, ‘Yes, I love you’, to the devil herself!

So, let us have some fun with men.

First, a joke

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. I think it was one of those quick Mike Tyson fights. The husband sighs and complains, ‘This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!’ ‘Good,’ replied his wife. ‘Now you know how I feel.’ Wham, bang, thank you, Madam!

A conference for love

Heard about the man who told his wife he was off for a three-day church conference. ‘Okay’, said the wife but first, let us pray. She said, ‘Lord, grant my husband great journey.’ ‘Amen’, he shouted. ‘Weaken his manhood, if he tries to commit adultery’. The husband was silent. ‘Kill him if he commits….’ At this point, the husband shouted, ‘Shut up, shut up.’ ‘I am no longer going on the trip’. ‘The Holy Spirit has just told me the conference has been cancelled’.

The devil in mobiles

You must not equate excessive jealousy with love!

~Vanguard, Nigeria. 

AT a recent funeral reception this male face tried catching my eye and when he did he would smile. I gave a tentative smile after a while and he sauntered over to my table. "Sunkanmi?", I asked, the penny finally dropping! I'd known him for ages. I got to know him through a very dear friend and we were often going out in a group. His girlfriend, Dora, worked with an airline and was always travelling.

In spite of having a thriving business, Sunkanmi seemed to have all the time for Dora. He was virtually her shadow – you seldom saw one without the other. His attention was so stifling that Dora was getting fed up with his unfounded jealousy.

"His kind of love is turning into something sinister," Dora confessed a few years into their being a couple. We were out to lunch, her treat, as she wanted my opinion

on how to handle this dark side of her man. "I know he loves me", she continued, "and treats me like a princess. The only problem is his jealousy. I daren't keep in touch with male friends and colleagues as it is just not worth the interrogation.

Even in our group, being too friendly with our male friends was a total no-no. As you are well aware I hardly go out without him, yet I'd never cheat on him because I love him. I've tried everything I could to prove that I love him and I'm at the end of my tether. Maybe you have some ideas on how I could handle this?"

Was she asking me how she could prove her trustworthiness as if she were the one at fault here? Well she was! I assured her she wasn't to blame for her man's insecurity and that she was bending over backwards so as not to rock the boat. Her man might be her soul mate, but he was excessively jealous when he had no reason to be. It might have been acceptable for him to be a bit anxious at the start of the relationship, but after two years together, he ought to be feeling secure.

He might love her, but it was the possessive type of love. Because of him, she's cut off most of her friends and given him far too much control over her life, all in an effort to make him happy. I reminded her that I'd walked down that path before and the fact we were sitting down to lunch and discussing it showed she knew her relationship wasn't healthy.

The answer wasn't to carry on tip-toeing round him. It's to make him realize the reasons he gets so edgy were nothing to do with her or her actions. Perhaps in the past, other people had let him down; maybe family friends or previous partners had betrayed him – so he was extra wary in relationships. Or perhaps he didn't feel he was good enough for her, was scared she'll find someone better, so he was overtly anxious all the time.

Before you kiss a woman, be careful

Written by Tunde Ajaja - Nigeria

From time immemorial, handbags have always been an essential part of women's dressing, and most of the time, many women feel incomplete without them, and sometimes reluctant to leave the house without having one.

These days, while men tend to move around with just their phones and maybe keys, women seem to be carrying the world around in their handbags; perhaps that is why their bags are getting bigger.

No doubt, the handbag provides a safe haven for the numerous items they move around with, ranging from phones, toiletries, cosmetics, mirror, powder, comb, handkerchiefs and other things, but one item that seems to have occupied a prominent place in women's handbags is the make-up bag or box.

These bags, available in varied sizes, contain items that women apply to enhance their looks to a desired taste, and it is not for nothing that a woman's appearance while wearing makeup would be quite different from when she's just natural.

In fact, recently, a Chinese man sued his new wife few days after their wedding, alleging that his wife deceived him with makeup while they were dating and that it was after they got home and she woke up the next morning that he realised how ugly the woman she married was. Thus, he sued for damages for being deceived into the relationship. Such is the power of 'change' that makeup offers.

To further demonstrate how important it is to them, women dare all odds to apply it anywhere, including office, in the car, in the traffic, while walking on the road and many other places, and its importance during wedding ceremonies cannot be overemphasised, as it has become an integral part of preparing the bride for the ceremony.

You can have male friends without sleeping with them!

~ Vanguard Nigeria. 

Women are often their worst enemies.Throw a bunch of them together and you find intrigues, envy and hatred fouling the relationship. That is why a lot of women today find it less stressful to have one or two male friends to relate with. They've simply discovered that a feisty friendship with an heterosexual man is stimulating to the brain, soul and it does their social life a world of good. Moire so when such women are single parents, divorced or just 'senior' girls.

Some ten years ago, Nike finally drew the curtains on a marriage that was most bewildering to her most of the time. "What had brought back my self-esteem to a semblance of normalcy are my male friends", she said. "I'm all for the championship of platonic friendship.

Throughout my marriage, my ex constantly sneered at my divorced friends and why they would forever be on the shelf. The unmarried ones, according to him, were wayward and had dated so many men they'd missed husband materials amongst such men. So, after my divorce, I was happy to reconnect with my male friends and was surprised their partners see me as no threat to the stability of their marriage.

"Thanks to one or two close ones, I was able to pick up the pieces of my life. They introduced me to reputable clients and my law firm is doing really well.

We recently dabbled into estate management. My husband has remarried and I wish him well, my kids are doing well, but in spite of all this, he seems to be wearing his disapproving look whenever I see him. It's true what they say after all that success is the best form of revenge…

"It's a fact that you get an understanding of men from being friends with them. You can discuss things with male friends that could be very charged inside a romantic relationship. 

What do men and women want from each other?

Written by GLORIA OGUNBADEJO  - Punch, Nigeria

GLORIA OGUNBADEJO 

People tend to ask couples who have been married for a long period what their secrets are. I always find it an odd question because by virtue of the word secret, it suggests it is not something one wants to share. Besides, one couple’s successful ingredients may not work for another.

The two most important questions asked relating to the dynamics between the genders are what do men want from women and what do women want from men? It is one thing to know the answer and make a decision on how to respond to it.

However, it is a whole different ball game as it is mostly the case not to have a clue. When we strip away all the confusion and complexities of the 21st Century living where gender roles are not so defined, sometimes tipping the balance to the point of non-recognition, there have been and will continue to be some basic primordial impulses and needs between the sexes.

Women primarily want a strong man to protect them, to provide strong genes to father their offspring. Men want a woman with child bearing hips to produce their babies and they want their women to be a mother to the children and to them.

Below is a vignette of a discussion between a group of men and women about the topic

Fast forward to modern day living where we would all agree the story and attitudes are somewhat different.

Although some argue that the intentions and needs are really still the same and that is why relations are in so much chaos because couples are trying to go against the grain and are fighting their basic nature.

If your spouse bed-wets on your wedding night, what will you do?

Written by Jesusegun Alagbe - Punch, Nigeria

Adediwura, Adeleke and John

One might think bedwetting is only a preserve for children, but recent researches have shown that bedwetting among adults is a top secret that is discussed in hushed tones or better still, never revealed. Urologists at the Bladder and Bowel Foundation recently stated that one in 100 adults will be affected by bedwetting at some point during their lifetime and that it often runs in families. It is against this backdrop that some Nigerians were asked what they would do if their spouses bed-wetted on their wedding night:

I'd feel highly embarrassed

Adeleke Adeoluwa

It depends on what made her to bed-wet, because I know that too much of alcohol can make someone to bed-wet. Also, if one is on anti-inflammatory drugs, one can bed-wet. If it's beyond the ordinary, then I will know what to do. But I'll definitely look at the antecedent - at least we must have been together for some time before we went into wedding. If it happened before the wedding night, I wouldn't have married her. But if I discovered on our wedding night, then I would feel highly embarrassed and ask her reasons why she did that. All the same, it's her problem which I think we can find solution to. I wouldn't chase her out.

I'll make him stop taking water at night

Rosemary Willie

That kind of man will turn one into a dry-cleaner almost every day. It is not a funny matter because it is happening, not to me, though. I cannot imagine this happening because it will be like a dream to me. But what will I do? Maybe I will ask him to stop drinking water and other drinks at night. I hope this helps him.

I wouldn't know what to do

Olawale Folarin

That is a serious one. I remember that as a child, our parents would always do all they could to ensure that we stopped that habit. It is a very bad one and to see that my spouse, who is an adult, bed-wets on our wedding night, it is going to make me to be speechless. I don't want to even imagine it. Will I scold her or just let her be? Seriously, I don't even know.

16 Reasons men freak out about dating

Written by By Frank Kobola

1. Statistically, what's the best way to avoid crushing loneliness? 

Nothing gives you more anxiety than seeing data about how you're going to spend the rest of your life alone. Should you meet someone at a bar? What is the probability of finding the love of your life online? What if the love of your life lives in Japan? What if there's a language barrier between you and your soul mate, and you'll never be happy because you'll never find The One? These are all relevant, rational questions everyone thinks about.

2. How do I ask someone out without coming off like a creepy stalker or like I don't care at all? How do we even toe that line?Even after we find someone we're into, asking her out is a whole other question. Do we try to play it smooth and bold, and potentially scare her off too soon? Do we avoid saying anything for three years? Do we get her number and text her a bunch until she finally asks to hang out? The options are numerous and stress-inducing.

3. Does this look like I dressed up or like my mom dressed me up? 

"What does this shirt say about me as a person?" we ask ourselves longingly as we stare into the mirror. We have to have a rugged but boyish charm. We need to look good without looking like we tried to look good. Ultimately, we need to wear a dress shirt and jeans.

4. Is a condom in the wallet a good idea? 

We don't want to look cocky or presumptuous if she happens to see a condom sticking out of our wallet, but we also don't want to be without one, just in case.

5. How drunk is just drunk enough? 

Should we order a few beers? Can we get so drunk that this date is no longer awkward? Will she judge us if we pass out in the bathroom for half an hour?

6. Will we be able to talk about anything beyond our favorite colors and our jobs? 

It's not like we need to have a passionate and undying love for the same hockey team, but if we can't both sit at our table and make fun of what the other patrons are wearing, we're going to run out of "what do you do for a living" small talk rather quickly.