Frenemies: 10 Types of friends to avoid

Written by  Ruth Olurounbi  - Nigeria 

If all your friend does is take from you, without giving anything back in the friendship, there is no point in being friends anymore.

A good lover can complete you and make you feel alive.

And just like that, a good group of friends too, can motivate you and cheer you up.

But on the other hand, a few bad friends can drag you into the pits or ruin your life too.

Choose your friends carefully, and always make sure that the friends closest to you are the ones that can make life better for you, and not worse.

Types of friends to avoid

Here is a list of ten types of friends that you really need to avoid.

These toxic friends may seem like fun at times or even feel like thrilling risk takers, but when the crap hits the fan, it'll be you under it.

The cheater

Many friendships have been crumpled and crushed, because a best friend hit on a friend's romantic partner.

To avoid making best friends with this type, avoid the sneaky flirts, the sweet talkers and generally, people who try flattering you and talking like you mean the world to them.

You'd be better off with someone who's more true and down-to-earth with their claims.

The competitor

Any kind of competition is healthy in every relationship but when claws start to come out and things get extremely competitive between friends, things can get very ugly.

8 signs you are awesome in bed

Written by  Ruth Olurounbi - Nigeria

You can dance.

Now before all of you start coming at me from every corner of Reddit to cut me off at the pass of my misandry, fedoras clutched in your gnarled fingers and neckbeards springing forth from your quivering underchin like a thousand resilient dandelions, hold on. I don't mean that those who are incapable of getting past the first two rounds of So You Think You Can Dance are destined to remain shriveled virgins. We don't all have to be the non-horrific version of Chris Brown when it comes to moving our feet along a dance floor. However, if you are the kind of person who is determined to stay glued against the wall while everyone else is having fun and being silly, I don't know how your hips would do if naked and horizontal. I don't have high hopes for them, though.

Your sexuality isn't easily threatened.

If you often find yourself referring to things as "gay" or "girly" or "lesbo" and have a laundry list of things you will not do, wear, say, or try because they somehow threaten your ability to be yourself in your own gender and sexuality - chill. Chill, chill, chill. If you are into who you are and have no doubts about what you like (and are not upset by those around you not liking the same thing) there is no reason to get so angry at the thought of having to, say, use a pink pen when you are CLEARLY a MAN with a PENIS. If you're not bothered by these things, it's a pretty good sign that you don't feel you have much to prove.

The marriage is over when?

1. You are happy your mate is not around: 
If you start feeling on top of the world that your spouse isn't around, check it.

3. You or your spouse cheats:

Are you always cheating on your spouse? Or you have an excuse for adultery-she/he is doing same and you are on a revenge mission? Do you flaunt girlfriends in your spouse' face with a there's-nothing-you-can-do attitude? You could break up your union.

2. You have totally lost respect for each other in the relationship:
One of the most important aspects of a healthy marriage is mutual respect. When that's gone-when one partner consistently feels dismissed, rejected and condescended to (and the other partner doesn't see it or refuses to talk through it), you are in a bad place.

4. You no longer have sex:

Your bed is cold and you resent the man or woman sleeping next to you? Or have you started sleeping separately in different rooms due to constant quarrels? Then you are on the verge of a separation.

5. You're no longer a team:

In healthily humming-along marriages, both partners work as a team on everything- from parenting to running the household to supporting each other in career and personal ambitions. But when you start operating on different levels and refused working as one on day-to-day issues, there is trouble in that marriage.

As wives relocate abroad, husbands turn 'bachelors'

By Bisi Olawunmi
olawunmibisi@yahoo.com

If you are observant enough, you will notice him in markets - an ageing, cosmopolitan gentleman haggling with the market woman pricing pepper, fish, okro and vegetable oil. His age, generally 50 and above. At other times, you see him in the high brow areas of major cities doing his shopping at the mall. If he is no longer in paid employment, he spends much of his time at the Club house. There is a club patronised by such elderly live-alone men in old Bodija in Ibadan. He lives a relatively quiet life at home - no chattering or running around of children. Except, perhaps, for the occasional female visitor, that is for those still with libido, the house environment has an unnerving serenity. The above scenario typifies the changing times for the family set-up, especially for fathers in middle and upper class families in Nigeria. The ageing Nigerian husband and father is facing a silent revolt – a gang-up against him by wives and children who have chosen to remain abroad. The irony of it all is that it is the successful husbands and fathers who are mostly in this bind. Men took different routes to this common destination of loneliness in their twilight years. Many had travelled abroad, often to Europe, the US and Canada in their youth in search of the golden fleece, got married either to fellow Nigerians or ladies in their countries' of residence, acquire higher education, raise families and look forward to a life of bliss thereafter. While some returned home immediately after their education, others stayed back to also get their children educated before returning home. Some went abroad as employees of government agencies or international organisations with their families or raised families at their duty posts and either returned after their tenure or stayed back. Some men returned while the wives stayed back - different strokes. We have a large number of stay-back wives in Maryland, New York and Atlanta, all in the US, among others. There is a third category of those who went abroad under the US Visa lottery. In all, going abroad were happy moments, then, and in some cases, all the children of many couples ended up going abroad. Many fathers of such children are no longer smiling. Yet, the rush to America and Europe continues.

With Nigeria's worsening economic problems, those who never came back stayed put while the problems forced the children of many returnees back to the countries where many are citizens. Meanwhile, the returnee parents are getting older as well as those who never went abroad but had children there. The returnees and the locals are now in the same boat. In their active, younger days, many parents travelled abroad on vacations to see their children. Now retired or approaching retirement age, many parents are either financially or physically not able to make the journeys again, while some refused to visit to protest the children's non reciprocation.

It won't hurt, after a while…

Sometimes, you are at that portion of the road in your life when you think you can't go on. You are so heartbroken you can't believe you are still breathing. As far your feelings are concerned, it's the end of the world. It ended when the love of your life said goodbye. Getting out of bed becomes a chore. Life as a whole becomes hard work.

You can't imagine why the birds still sing and the sun still shines when you are all cold inside. Your life just feels like one huge indescribable pain. Are you at that portion in the road now? Do you feel it is all over, that you can't ever love again? No such thing. After a while, it shall pass because you'll live again. Every woman, every man at one point or the other must pass through this way. It's bumpy, dusty and choking. It's so cold you can't feel your toes.

The pain leaves you numb. It's so dark and cloudy you can't see there is still a great wide road ahead. But there is life after this point. You'll get through it. You'll understand it by and by. And it won't hurt you after a while. You have been in a relationship for three years. His parents know you. Your parents know him. In fact the two parents were only waiting for the two of you to give the holy matrimony signal. All your friends were set to be bridesmaids. You had told all your suitors that you were taken, spoken for. And then he delivered his 'so long' speech.

You are still trying to remember what his excuse was. Your heart seems to have stopped pumping blood or why else are you this numb. You have asked yourself over and again where you went wrong, how you missed the signs that he no longer wanted you. The fog is bad. Your eyes are swollen from crying, your dresses are hanging on you because you are neither sleeping nor eating. As bad as it looks this minute, even this shall pass. And you'll love again.

You were 35 when you met him. Your heart had been broken more than once and you'd made up your mind not to let any man get past the armoured gate to your heart. But he came and broke through your defences . He made you eat your vow. You fell in love again. He promised to remain your knight in shining armour and once again you believed. Today, he's gone and you are 40 and bewildered. Were you created to be alone? Maybe marriage is not in your stars. All you can see through your tears are the lonely years ahead. Maybe you will die childless. Maybe you should adopt a child now. Maybe you should accept your fate and stop searching. You can't see it now but the scars will heal.

What your man wished you knew

Written by Ruth Olurounbi - Nigeria

A friend and I had a conversation about his ex. He said a whole load of stuffs on relationships, dating, sex and everything in between. He confessed that most men don't understand why women freak out, something they do, when honestly it didn't mean anything. I asked for an example and he gave me tons. Thinking he was somewhat "crazy" I asked some other men and what they told me was astonishing.

Here, girlfriends, read them, you may actually learn something from it. Ciao.

*If he takes a few minutes or ok, longer to reply or respond to your text, it isn't about you. He is just busy. "Sometimes we just have other things going on at the time, or we don't want to seem too eager, especially if we just met," Jare Oladele said. Don't worry, he will text you back.

*If you think guys can be "just friends", you are dead wrong. At least that was what Chucks said. Even if you are not attracted to him, he probably is. Now you see why your man seems extra possessive when he sees you with other men.

*Ahmed says though men can actually be 'just friends' with other girls, as long as he's got eyes for you alone, it irks when some women really become jealous for no reason. "Some women think there's no such thing as a platonic relationship with another girl but important for them to know that those relationships can and do exist with the opposite sex. Don't drive yourself crazy over them," Ahmed said.

Getting your partner in the mood for sex

Written by Bosede Ola-Samuel - Nigeria

Having the right mood for what you want to do, can go a long way in achieving great results. Mood plays a major role in provoking our actions in life. The right mood will always get the job done well and fast too.

That is why it behoves on you to get your spouse in the mood for sex when you want it and he or she is dragging his or her foot, or seems not to be too enthusiastic about it. So, if you're feeling frisky, pick up some tips and tricks to get your spouse in the mood for love and sex. Below are a few of such tips and tricks that can get your spouse in the right mood, not only to oblige you, but to make it a great sex moment for both of you.

Step 1: Smell

Get those nostrils flaring with smells of great fragrance and waft them around yourself and your sanctuary. Don't be obsessively hygienic, as the odour of antiseptic wipes and cleaning fluid is unlikely to create the right mood. Showering twice a day, for instance, will wash away some of your pheromones, those natural odours that attract a man to a woman like a dog to a bone. The smell of such body odour is a magic wand that sets the right mood for sex.

A paucity of good men

By Tola - Nigeria

I knew this day would come. I knew that it was just a matter of time before our negligence came back to bite our collective asses. There was a time when the lament was that there were no good women out there for our sons to marry... the story today is rather different.

The evolution of the girl child in these parts over the last several decades has been an interesting one. She's come full circle. She's moved from being the afterthought, being ignored and a 3rdclass citizen in her father's house to a 1stclass citizen. How, would you say?

There was a time when a daughter was merely considered an extra pair of hands in the house. Someone to help ease the burden of house chores till someone who could afford the bride price came along or in bigger family dynasties she is bartered off to strengthen inter-family bonds.

Her education was not of paramount importance. As long as she could cook, clean, and was schooled in the art of keeping a home (and a man) mission accomplished. While this is going on our boys are raised as emperors of all they survey (whether or not they've earned it) and thoroughly schooled to understand that women are their chattel and therefore treat them as such.

While the above scenario is still actively in play in some far flung areas I am happy to say that things have improved considerably.

Coping with a wife who earns more

By Ugodre Obi-Chukwu (ugodre@googlemail.com)

Ugodre Obi-Chukwu

Does your wife earn more than you? Do you feel like you need to get another job? Does she get home later than you do? Did she buy the cars at home and pay for the children's school fees? Do you sometimes wish you could just have her resign her work and just stay at home taking care of the kids? Not to worry, you are not alone in these thoughts. Most men in your shoes share similar reservations. While it's typical to think this way, how should you then deal with it?

Take the story of Julius, a schoolteacher who happens to fall in love with a banker. They soon got married and had children. His wife's salary was more than his, making her the breadwinner of the house. She funded their four bedroom apartment and cars. She even funded vacations and their children's school fees. Julius didn't mind abdicating his natural responsibility as a breadwinner. In fact, he makes it up by being at home on time, going through home work with his kids, making sure dinner is ready for his wife and patiently waiting for her every night till she is back. He believes if he can't meet with the financial needs, then he should compensate in other areas of family life.

Her first love

How many times have you heard men say women are mean and wicked and faithless and well, necessary evil? Every day, every hour? I have lost count. In fact, I have stopped counting. Who cares about their ignorant assessment? Most of the time, what men have to say about women is just boring, but once in a while, like today, it irks me enough to want to talk about it.

It all starts when a girl starts filling out and every boy within shouting distance wants to feel her out. Men, they have been bad since they were boys but girls were good until the boys discovered them. Here's how. When a girl falls in love, she falls totally, irredeemably. She'll do anything for the boy. She believes everything the boy tells her even when the boy means nothing or didn't even think before opening his mouth. She goes about with dreamy eyes. There's a lilt to her feet and a tilt to her head.

In most cases she loses concentration in class. Even when she looks like she is doing some serious studying at 'prep', she's writing a love note or doodling on the back of her biology notebook. There will also be this smile you can't describe on her face. These days they giggle while pinging when they should be helping in the kitchen or at least doing their assignments.

Sex: The Way To A Man's Heart?

Written by Bosede Ola-Samuel  - Nigeria

ONE thing an average man cherishes, and cannot do without, especially in marriage is this 3 letter word S-E-X. It's like a magic wand; drawing a man out his shell anytime, any day. That's why sex is a major weapon the Tempter uses against men. Thus, I have decided to consider sex as the way to a man's heart in the marriage setting.

In time past, many of us considered food as the way to a man's heart. Thus, the saying "a woman with great cooking skill, owns the husband." Women therefore used to pay greater attention to the preparation of good and delicious food for their husbands.

And God help the husband with more than one wife; the wives will do all to undo one another in giving the man varieties of food to prove a point: I am a better cook.

Not only that, men who kept concubines, in those days, were always being treated to sumptuous meals by such women concubines, as a way of keeping the men outside for longer periods than they spend in their homes. I bet it used to be a working bait to sustain such amorous relationships, and to also pull the wives in the house down as bad cooks, incapable of taking good care of their husbands. And of course, the men would gladly pay the bills for such usually expensive food.

Discover How To Be Good In Bed

Written by Bosede Ola-Samuel - Nigeria

There is something important to partners in marriage, of which everyone who desires a successful marriage must never overlook. It is the art of being good in bed. In other words, being the best you can be in the act of sex. When partners master this, it will help them a great deal in their desire to stay happily together hereafter, enjoying honeymoon forever.

Marriages have been abandoned, and the marriage oath broken, even by the most innocent ones, on the basis of the bedroom failure of their spouses. I know of a case in which a lady became adulterous because she was not being sexually satisfied by her husband. And this is a lady, who never thought that she could ever touch the forbidden fruit of adultery, not to talk of eating it. In yet another case, a man now patronises the ladies of easy virtues because his wife is simply what you will call 'a disaster in bed.'

Path to great sex

by Funmi Akingbade (cafi.punch@yahoo.com) - Nigeria

Sexuality refers to the feelings and responses that are connected with the human desire for sex. Sex is, no doubt, good for married couples. But it thrives best when both partners involved are in love. For this reason, husbands should focus on the stimulation of their wives' hearts instead of relying on manual stimulation.

Openness is the key to the most beneficial type of sex that a couple can ever hope to have. And passionate sex is the quickest way to ensure the growth of a marriage.

Intimacy develops slowly and commitment takes shape gradually, while passion develops very fast.

Also, intimate sex between married couples often results in emotional safety. Consequently, when there is understanding in a marriage, both partners are eager to express their true sexual feelings.

Most people seem to define intimacy as a state in which a couple is having passionate sex. But the truth is it is much more than that.

He is too big

Anonymous post - Africa

Warning: content for adults.

Query:

My boyfriend and I have been dating for three months and we agreed that ours will be without sex until marriage. We got married about four days ago, and of course we were both eager for sex. Everything was perfect, until I took off his pants. He was huge like an horse. I am a small woman. Sex with him ever since then has always been very painful and it hurt so much each time. Besides, it's like I can't even match his sexual appetite.

What should I do? I definitely don't want to lose my marriage, but I can't handle his oversized organ.

Response:

Calm down. I am certain the situation is not as bad as you think. If sex hurts so badly first it may be

Things that could make your lover dump you

By Kemi Lawal  - Nigeria

Christine dated Jeff for many years. Though she loved him and was willing to end up as his wife, he never proposed to her. He never thought of getting married to any woman! "I was growing older and impatient," she lamented. Then, she devised a trick. "I got pregnant. Maybe I wouldn't have done it if my friend had not pushed me. She urged me to get pregnant because that could make him marry me. Was I shocked when he advised me to abort it? I thought my insistence on not having an abortion would work but he was so furious that he vowed never to marry me! In fact, he denied paternity because he believed he was protected. Despite the fact that he was responsible for his child's upkeep after I had him, Kelvin got married to someone else," Anne said.

How to tell if he no longer loves you

Kemi Lawal - Nigeria

Does your guy love you? This will save you from weeks or even months of wondering and second guessing everything he says and does. If you ask him this question and he says yes, that may not do the trick. If you want to know where his heart is, there are some signs he is ready to stay committed and indeed loves you as much as you love him.

This starts with evaluating how much time he wants to spend with you as opposed to how much time the two of you are actually spending together. The difference is very telling. Think about how often he is the one suggesting you hang out. Does he call you quite a bit just to talk? Does he make plans for the two of you to go out and do things together or is that typically your responsibility? If a man is getting serious about a woman, he wants to spend as much of his time as he can with her. He doesn't care if they are out enjoying a fine dinner or if they are at home watching television. The important thing to him is that he's with her. If your man is constantly telling you that he can't see you because of work or other engagements, he may still be stuck in like mode, not love mode.

How sad can a spouse be?

Kemi Ashefon  - Nigeria

How many people would she tell that this is the seventh abortion she had done for young girls impregnated by her husband? "I just came back from the church, where I confessed my sins to the priest and I have made up my mind not to do it again," said Sarah. According to her, these girls happened to be her domestic servants, who her husband had slept with. "My husband is a flirt and sleeps with anything in skirt! He sleeps with girls; women and I have been embarrassed by his frequent affairs with my maids. He impregnates them; I do the abortions and send them away to avoid any news spilling out. But recently, my friend, who brought the last maid, confessed to me that the girl told her everything! She also told me that Lope, my husband, makes passes at some of our friends (I understood some slept with him). But my husband is a very charming man and you would always be an easy prey in his hands. I looked the happy wife because I never told anybody, not even my parents knew what I was passing through. If I thought my silence would make him change, I was wrong because his recent fling with the housekeeper is nauseating. They must have been at it for a while but the lady became greedy and started asking for more money. She threatened to tell me whenever he didn't give her but she made good the threat two days ago when she walked up to me and asked that my husband stop disturbing her for sex! I just terminated her contract on the spot and ordered the guard to chase her out. Lope has been begging me and I have just informed his mother, who had also been begging me not to take any drastic action. He repulses me."

Colours of a difficult man.

By Kemi Ashefon - Nigeria

Ben is the best man any woman could have. However, that is to any onlooker but not to his wife, Kate. "He could give out his heart to outsiders at no cost at all," she said. "He could go the extra mile in assisting others, but not at home. We got married seven years ago and now have three children. I have to beg him over and again to help me pick the children from school since he closes five hours before I do. He has one excuse or the other and these children are always at the mercy of our neighbours.

"Last weekend, I was almost in tears having to clean the house, make soups and stews for keeps and taking care of a child suffering from malaria. When I asked him to take me to the market, he said he was going to see his late friend's widow! This widow enjoys my husband's company more than I do - she gets a monthly allowance from him and he is always visiting her. Though her husband was very nice and was Ben's best friend, I am sure he would not have gone the extra mile for me if I were in his wife's shoes!

"My husband finds it so difficult to give me N2,000 to buy shoes but would take that widow and her kids for shopping. I have made investigations and realised that they are not lovers. That is just Ben for you - an angel to outsiders but the opposite at home."

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Beatrice's spouse could be in high spirits this moment but the next, he might be as cold as ice. "He would keep quiet throughout the day and whenever I ask what is happening, he would say 'nothing.' What kind of man would stop talking to his wife for no reason? Aside from that, whenever he wants to talk, he would pick his phone and talk to his friends for hours! Initially, I thought he was angry at something I did, but I soon realised that he behaves that way even when I do everything that should make him happy! I cannot remember the last time he ate with the family on the dining table - he prefers his room and stays glued to his sports channel. But in his moment of 'joy,' he could do anything to make me happy and those are the times I get the best from him.

"It is still a miracle that we have two kids and I have stopped asking him to sleep with me again. Meanwhile, his mother would tell you that he took after his father who was very quiet and never told her he had three children outside their 45-year-old marriage before he passed on! I have tried to make him drop this funny 'inheritance' but he would not! I think his mother's way of idolising him is the problem and it is time I told her to stop visiting," she said.

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Not every woman would stick a man like Joe. "He nags like a woman," Yvonne, his wife disclosed. According to her, he complains about everything she does. "You would not believe that he complains about the way I lie on bed! To him, a woman should sleep straight and not curl up like an embryo! Just last week, I served him food in a new set of plates I bought from Dubai and he complained that I made him feel pauperised. He complains about the kids' clothes if he didn't buy them; he complains about the colour of my pants; he complains about the clothes I wear (my cleavage must be covered); he complains about love-making, and the only time he is happy is when he is with the bottle. Moreover, I have observed that he wants to make me feel inferior and sad. But for my children, I would have divorced him." 

Making long distance relationships work

By kemi Lawal - Nigeria

Long distance relationships can be challenging and often difficult.

The long-distance romance is a modern phenomenon. One hundred years ago, the farthest a woman might look for a suitor was the next farm over. With the advent of the automobile, one might find the man of her dreams in the next city or even the next county. But today, with the availability of airplane travel and relationships springing up via internet dating services and through e-mail correspondence, long distance relationships have become much more commonplace. It is not at all unusual today for a couple to carry on a thriving romantic relationship though hundreds or even thousands of miles apart.

Long distance relationships do, however, have unique difficulties. The success of a long-distance relationship might depend greatly on whether the two people who make up the couple adopt the "absence makes the heart grow fonder" or the "out of sight, out of mind" philosophy. If you believe the former, chances are you have what it takes to make a long distance relationship work.

Here are some tips to increase your chances of keeping those home fires burning while the two of you are apart.

If you want your long-distance relationship to work, it is important that both of you agree on the level of commitment you expect from the relationship. If one of you sees the relationship as serious, committed and monogamous, while the other sees it is as a fun and flirty fling, then there will be problems down the road. It is important to make sure you are both on the same page and expect the same things from the relationship. Before throwing your heart and soul into a long-distance relationship, sit down with your partner and communicate openly and honestly about how each of you views the relationship, where you see it going and what you expect from each other. Agree on the ground rules. Making sure you are in agreement from the outset as to where your relationship is headed sets a firm foundation for the future and helps to avoid disappointment down the road.

Communication is a key in any relationship, but in a long-distance relationship, regular communication is crucial. You must set aside regular time to talk to each other on the telephone. Take advantage of lower evening and weekend telephone rates. Make sure your cell phone plan offers free long distance and sufficient free weekend and off-peak minutes. Burning up the long-distance telephone lines is one sure way to keep the passion alive when the two of you are apart. But today's technology offers lots of other ways to communicate with your romantic partner. Flirt via e-mail. Enjoy an occasional night of passionate instant-messaging on the computer. Send each other cute, romantic (and often free) e-card. And don't forget the more traditional ways of communicating with a sweetheart who is far away. Revive the long lost art of letter writing and send your significant other a passionate love letter now and then. Pop a card in the mail on special occasions or for no reason at all. When you are not often able to communicate your feelings through touch, other forms of communication become even more important. The long-distance relationship is the place to let your imagination run wild and come up with creative ways of keeping the lines of communication open between the two of you.

Honesty is vital to every relationship. In a long-distance relationship, however, honesty has to be taken a step further. The longevity of a long-distance relationship depends a great deal on your ability to communicate honestly with each other about what you are feeling and to resolve issues that, if left to fester, might destroy your relationship. Do you always feel as if you are competing with the sports channel when you call your partner? Does your sweetheart seem to give her relationships with her girlfriends' higher priority? If you want your romance to last, then you cannot ignore these feelings and allow resentment to take root in your relationship. Be honest with your partner about how you are feeling so that these issues can be addressed.

Willingness to compromise is an important element of a successful long-distance romance. In a long-distance relationship, time together, whether on the telephone or in person, is a cherished commodity. Take turns visiting each other to lighten the burden financially on each of you. Be willing to turn off the television and miss the first quarter of the basketball game when your lover calls and truly needs your time and attention. On the other hand, give your lover space, too, and be willing to reschedule a telephone call if your lover is watching a game with friends and what you want to talk to him or her about can wait. 

Falling for a man outside my wedlock…

With Auntie Agatha:
Email: gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com
Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

I’m 29 years old, married to a wonderful man. Ever since I met my husband I never cheated on him till we got married. I got married three months after getting a job in a corporate organization, and I’m still there.

I don’t know how it happened but one day I discovered I have fallen in love with one of my colleagues whom I have always been very close to.

Since discovering my feelings for him, I have kept the knowledge to myself, refusing to tell anybody. Yet I am always jealous of any woman I see close to him. So far I have been able to control my jealousy.

We exchange phone calls even though I do most of the callings. One Saturday I called him to inquire about his health. Later that day, I saw his missed call on my phone and tried returning his call but he didn’t pick my call immediately. When he eventually did, he said there was something he wanted to ask me but that he will do that on Monday when we see in the office. He eventually didn’t. So I made up my mind to call him after work to ask what he wanted to discuss with me.

I was very angry and made up my mind never to talk to him when he refused to pick my call. He eventually came back to talk to me. And when I got home I called to ask if I was in any way disturbing him. He said I wasn’t and demanded that we chat on our blackberry phones.

While we were chatting, he told me he desired a woman like me for a wife. I told him I didn’t have any friend I can recommend to him, I also added that I didn’t want any woman hurting him. He insisted I come clean with the truth; that he knows I can’t tolerate the thoughts of another woman in his life. Agatha, that is the truth. I love him and if there is another word stronger than love, it is what I feel for this man.

I was surprised he felt something for me; this made me to admit my feelings for him. He told me how much he loved and wanted me in his life. He invited me to his house I went and we played together but didn’t make love that night.

I felt like going back. I saw him twice after that because he is on his annual leave. But now he wants us to stop seeing each other. It is making me go crazy.

Agatha the whole world might want to stone me to death but I want to be sincere here what I feel for him. You cannot imagine it. I know he feels the same way but he doesn’t want to see me anymore, and he avoids me. I don’t want to have sex with him but just to be close to him like a soul mate. I respect the fact that I’m married and seeing another man is not good before man and God. But please all I want is to be close to him.

I’m in pain right now and I’m going crazy and feel like ending it all.

What should I do? I love him so much and nobody can change that, but this is killing me. I need help before I go crazy. Please all I want is to be close to him, the love has been there for long and I never felt that way for anyone before now. I know people will call me names but please I don’t want to lose him. I want him as friend, someone I can confide in. I want people to understand the way I feel. I am in love with my husband but not this way. Please I need your sincere help and very urgent too.

Worried Woman. 

Agatha Admonishes

Dear Worried Woman,

Infatuation is a very strong emotion, more compelling than love because it is blind to reason and logic. And like Tsunami it ends up leaving so much destruction in its wake.

You must fight this feeling, because if you were not careful, it would make you lose everything that matters to you in life: your husband, self-respect, the love of your family and your essence as a human being. It is not just what the world thinks of you but what you would do to yourself at the end of the day.

It isn’t just about saving your marriage but everything your parents have worked to make you as well as the little you contributed to your person. The fact that you are so confused and acting out of character portends danger to your sanity as a person. If you don’t develop the will power to put an end to this emotion, you might end up with a mental problem or very severe psychological situation that would make people keep their distance from you.

For your own sake, more than your marriage, resist whatever it is that you feel for this man. You have to let go of him, he isn’t yours, and will never be. What you feel isn’t real; it is strong quite all right but it is an illusion, an addiction you have allowed to develop uncontrollably. Like every case of addiction, the beginning looks promising, tempting and soothing but like cancer, it leaves the body hollow and yearning for escape from the pains of reality.

This guy has done the right thing by asking to end a relationship that should not have started in the first place. He is aware of the spiritual danger of sleeping with another man’s wife, hence his desire to stop whatever he has started with you.

It is in your interest to help yourself stop this feeling. There is nothing wrong in admiring a member of the opposite sex but what is wrong is to be irresponsible about it. How would you feel if your husband develops this strong feeling for another woman, to the extent of spending intimate moments with her even at night?

How would you sincerely feel if your husband is refusing to let go of the woman? No matter how much you love this man, think of your home and husband. You married him because you feel something very special for him. Don’t you think it is so unfair to him, the vows you publicly took to honour, love and cherish him till death separates you both?

Have you considered the possibility of your husband finding out about your relationship with this man and you getting pregnant at about the same time? Do you think your husband would ever accept responsibility of the child or believe you haven’t slept with this man? What do you think would become of the child born into such a controversy? Do you think your own child would ever forgive or respect you if told about what you did?

The best way out of this is to take a break. Go on your annual leave to detoxify your emotional system. You need to put a distance between you and this man. If you and your husband can manage it, it is advisable for both of you to take your vacation together. His presence would help you overcome your addiction to this other man.

Furthermore, you need his warmth, love and assurance to heal you. The vacation would help you catch up with reality; point you at the things that are of utmost importance to you as well as give you confidence in the choice you have made.

By learning to fall in love with your husband again, you open the way for healing in your marriage.

Another thing is to delete his number from your phone. It is also imperative you do to avoid your husband chancing on text messages you have both exchanged as well as stop that urge of calling him.

Replace his memories with ones of your husband, your early meeting, the day you both agreed to marry, your wedding day and other special moments you have had. Think of the plans, your plans together, his trust and confidence in you. Importantly, recall the reason you agreed to marry him among all the men that came your way. He must have something extra special for you to have agreed to his proposal out of the several that came your way.

If you know it is impossible for you to completely forget, consider changing employers. It may take a while for you to find somewhere else but life is about sacrifices, and your marriage is the most vital to you now.

There is no way you can be friends now with this man, there is too much at stake. Perhaps in later years, when you are matured enough to handle yourself better, definitely not now. You lack the discipline to have him for a friend now. Make your husband your best friend.

Do ask God for strength to resist the temptation this other man represents.

Good luck.