Wish you were somebody else's wife?

YOU take one look at your marriage, shake your head and write-off the whole thing. When a woman is sad and her morale is at an all-time low, self-pity is the first demon that comes calling. It becomes difficult to see anything good in whatever is happening. She can't even remember the good, old times when she felt on top of the world and believed her husband was the best thing that ever happened to her. Those days when she handed down tips on how to make a marriage work so easily... but that was then, she would sigh.

When trouble looms or befalls a marriage or the woman is feeling gloomy, the next practical thing she begins to do is wishing she were somewhere else, somebody else's wife. She wonders how she ended up where she is. Didn't her mother warn her? And she almost didn't marry him o.

Well, a woman has no business envying her friend's marriage. Sounds cute but impracticable, ehn? Not exactly, but it happens all the time.

When things get tough in the home and a marriage seems to be giving way at the seams, the urge to compare your situation unfavourably with another's is quite high. Any wife who wants to be honest with herself will own up, to having fallen into that temptation once or twice.

Such escapist thoughts are the only things that fill her head. It suits her psyche. She adds all unlikely figures together and gets all the odd results. She'd see all the good things in her friend's marriage and not one enviable thing in her own.

If only she knows. If only we all know. Comparing your marriage with another is an unworthy occupation. It is a demeaning venture that does nothing for a woman's sense of self-worth. Why should you think your friend's marriage or husband is better than yours? No two marriages are alike and the recipe that works for one marriage more often than not, won't work for the other. Your friend married one man and you another.

WEDDING RING: African Clerics On Its Myth And Significance

'I Prefer To Use The Word Of God To Join Couples Rather Than A Ring'

Clerics

(Pastor (Dr.) Jacob E. Umoru, President, Lagos Atlantic Conference, Seventh-day Adventist Church in Nigeria)
ACTUALLY, from my understanding of God's word, wedding ring is not the true test of love. The foundation of marriage is still in the word of God. So, I prefer to use God's word to join couples rather than a ring. Ring is just outward, but once the word of God is accepted and practised, that will help the marriage to stand rather than ring. Sometimes, we use the ring and sometimes we don't. The reason is that if it is in a country where wearing wedding ring is a law, and you don't follow the rule, you may

be accused of not obeying the law. But ordinarily, we don't use the ring, which is not biblical. Wedding ring does not stop one from infidelity. It doesn't bestow the true sense of faithfulness, which is in the heart. This is why I believe that if people believe God's word and fear Him, ring or no ring, they will still honour God. They will be faithful to their marriage.
I am not going to condemn anybody, as those who practise it do so in accordance with their faith. We have a lot of problems in the world today because we dwell more on the outward. But God looks at the inward and if we accept God's word as well as obey Jesus Christ, we will be more faithful and not focus so much on the outward. Even with their wedding rings on, some people still go ahead to do whatever they like. I think the best thing is to be faithful to God's word and our hearts. Sometimes, people don't want to wear it because of the inconsistency. Some drop their wedding rings because they feel they are being caged. So, personally, I prefer that people hold fast to the word of God, which is the foundation of marriage.
--------------------------------------------
'It Reminds Couples That They Are Committed And Responsible As Well'
(Rev. (Dr.) Kayode Opadeji, Snr Pastor, First Baptist Church, Ikeja, Lagos)

AS you are talking with me right now, I am wearing my own. It is important and is a sign that has no beginning and ending. Here, we tell our members that their love has no beginning and no ending. In other words, it is expected that there shouldn't be any condition attached to it. Once you marry that woman or man, the two of you have to live together till death do you part. So, that understanding is from the Bible, which expects that a couple should live together forever even though some people may opt for divorce. This is not right because the Bible says in Malachi 1:16 that God hates divorce. So, we expect that the love that exists between couples should not give room for outsiders or third party to interfere. Aside this, since rings are made of gold that cannot rust, as it remains the same forever, a marriage should also be like that. Love should not disintegrate or diminish, but should remain the same. I have been wearing my wedding ring close to 19 years now.

12 dangerous people to marry

Written by Azuka Onwuka - Nigeria

Azuka Onwuka

The easiest time to prevent a divorce or an unhappy marriage is before marriage, not after. There is no gainsaying that love can have such a drunken effect on the about-to-wed that clear danger signals become unimportant to them, while hope becomes their only commodity. After all, is it not said that love conquers all? Great! But what type of love conquers all? Agape or Eros? Why compare God-love, which is unconditional, with sexual love, which can be waver?

There are traits that some people cannot drop. It is like hoping that a right-handed spouse will one day become left-handed: a classical case of waiting for Godot!

If you are looking for a wife or a husband, please be wary of these 12 groups of people.

Those who can never apologise

They would hurt you, annoy you, disappoint you, but would never apologise, because they believe that it would belittle and demean them. When you are wrong, you apologise to them, and when you are right, you still apologise to them, hoping that that they would change. But they never do. Soon you start to feel irritated and agitated. The love and respect you felt for them start to wear out.

Those who can never say thank you

Whatever you do for them, they are never grateful. They make statements like: "Why should I say thank you when you are just doing your duty?" Some would say that their gratitude is in their heart. So, do I have to open your heart to see the gratitude inside and get it? Ingratitude is an attitude that causes irritation, frustration and unhappiness.

Such people also believe the world owes them a lot. They go around their activities with an entitlement mentality. They are difficult to please.

Divorce is incredibly expensive

Written by Francies Ewherido

Divorce is incredibly expensive, especially in other climes. Check out the figures. Harold Hamm, shale oil billionaire, paid his ex- wife, Sue Ann Arnall, about $975 million in divorce settlement.

Anna Torv, second wife of media mogul, Rubert Murdoff, won $1.7 billion in assets and $100 million in cash in divorce settlement. American Basketball legend, Michael Jordan, paid his ex-wife, Juanita Jordan, $168m. Golfer Tiger Woods paid his ex-wife, Elin Nordegren, $100m. British singer and songwriter Paul McCartney was a little luckier. He paid only 25 million pounds to his ex-wife, Heather Mills. These figures are humongous.

Beyond alimony, studies show "that divorce and family fragmentation cost American taxpayers more than $112 billion every year. The legal process of divorce itself can cost thousands of dollars, not to mention additional legal costs to enforce the divorce settlement agreement in some situations. Furthermore, both men and women suffer financially after a divorce."But the financial cost of divorce does not seem to deter married people, especially Americans, who have the highest divorce rate of over 50 per cent in the world, from getting entangled in it. There are no available statistics on the rate of divorce in Nigeria, but court records seem to suggest that it is on the increase.

Why single women see married men as hot cake

written Tunde Ajaja - Nigeria

What is it in married men that attracts single women or ladies? Or does that common saying that 'the food on someone else's plate always looks tastier and better' also apply to such women's choice of partner, whether for sex or marriage? This phenomenon is called mate poaching.

According to a clinical psychologist, Dr. Valerie Golden, mate poaching has become a robust phenomenon. When single women see a moderately attractive male, they are more interested in him if they believe he is already in a relationship.

In fact, one study found that 90 per cent of single women were interested in a man who they believed was married, while a mere 59 per cent wanted him when told he was single, while another previous study found that about one in five long-term relationships begins when one or both partners are involved with someone else.

Wives as masters at home

Ordinarily it would not have mattered who took control of the home in marriage or in man-woman relationship. What would have been important and paramount was to have someone take charge so that the home would not collapse. But the Bible and the Qur'an, two great holy books inspired by God and written by men put it across that men should be the head and women, purportedly created from a rib plucked from a man's body should be subservient to them. This thought was actually the prompter for my article on the origins of the King James Version of the Bible which shows clearly that 47 people authored the Holy Book. 47, all of them male!

Women in the Middle East, the cradle of three of world's most popular religions, and in Europe where these religions first assumed prominence, especially Christianity in the hands of the Greeks and Romans and Islam as the colonising religion in Spain were initially subjected to this claim. Luckily, industrial revolution changed most of the age-old prejudices and the emergence and spread of girl-child education opened up the women to their potentials and possibilities.

In traditional African societies and the agrarian Asia women helped largely on the farms and plantations as harvesters and marketers of farm produce. In most cases such women were not paid any wages. What they got in exchange was the care and protection offered by their male partners and overlords!

ARE THE MEN STILL CLAPPING?

11 people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter. There were 10 men and a woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all. So they decided that one of them had to leave, otherwise they were all going to fall. They were not able to agree on who that person would be. Until the woman among them gave a touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope because as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general. She said she was used to always making sacrifices and getting little or nothing in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping...

All the men, of course, dropped to their untimely deaths and she flew away alone in the chopper. Well, what can a woman do?

That is the power of a woman, the brand only smart men recognize and acknowledge. If there had been at least one of those 10 excitable men who could see beyond that woman's 'moving' speech, he would be alive today. But don't we all know that men don't do much thinking when they see women they want?

In my mind's eyes, I could see the woman in that joke wearing a very short skirt, no bra and a top with a plunging neckline. How do you reason with a man drooling over ample cleavage? If you scream 'Praise the Lord', he won't shout Halleluyah because he is far away in la-la land. The woman in that joke, I'm sure, also had smooth skin, probably fair skin. All 10 men simply threw their thinking caps in the air or how else do you explain why they all forgot that they did not have third hands and that once they started clapping they were going to drop to their deaths?

Women and the big “O”

Sometimes reaching an orgasm isn’t as easy as it appears. There are evidences that the big O for a woman is far more complicated compared to the man. The act itself releases oxytocin—a chemical that induces feelings of relaxation, peace, safety and other positive feelings. That is why an orgasm can briefly alleviate a headache, arthritic pain or menstrual pain.

G-spot

Many women believe the “G-spot” simply stands for the “Good spot” but in fact, it is named after Ernst Gräfenberg, a German gynaecologist that discovered the region of female genitalia that contains a large cluster of nerve ending. The G-spot is the spot for orgasm for most women – if they can find it!

Genitalia

There is a link between a woman’s sexual confidence and her likelihood of orgasm. If a woman feels insecure about her genitalia, she’ll struggle to orgasm. There is no such thing as “normal” genitals; they come in all shapes, colours and sizes.

Male factor

Normally, a woman takes much longer than her male partner to reach orgasm. Studies have found that most women need at least 20 minutes of sexual activity to reach orgasm. One study had 84 percent of men reporting that they believed their partner orgasmed when they had sex, but only 64 percent of women reported having actually orgasmed during their last sexual session. So, communicate! A lot of men don’t know that they need to work harder.

Dysfunction

The Planned Parenthood reports that 1 in 3 women struggle to orgasm with a partner, and as high as 80 percent of women struggle to orgasm from intercourse alone. As a whole, female sexual dysfunction (which includes failure to orgasm) is experienced by 43 percent of all women.

Spontaneous is good!

There are tales of women who orgasmed from riding a horse or getting a massage. They may be true! Certain activities stimulate blood flow to the genitals and induce relaxation, two crucial components to reaching orgasm.

Role of condoms

Studies have found that women are just as likely to reach orgasm with or without a condom. Some scientists speculate that condoms may help a woman’s chances of reaching orgasm since the man doesn’t need to worry about ejaculating too early and needing to pull out, he might be able to last longer.

Age factor

If you’re getting depressed about wrinkles or the effect gravity is taking on your mammary glands, here’s one thing to cheer up about regarding getting older: your sex life might get better! Studies have shown that more women in their 40’s and 50’s experience regular orgasms than women in their 30’s. There is no scientific reasoning behind these findings, but it could be because with time comes experience and older women know how to direct their partner to help them orgasm more.

Treatment

Eros, an FDA-approved device, helps blood flow to the genitals and can up a woman’s chances of orgasm. There are also over-the-counter creams that can increase sensitivity in the vaginal region.

Variety helps

Women have reported having an easier time climaxing if they incorporate several sexual acts or positions into a romp session. For example, having your partner both manually please you and have intercourse with you will make it more likely that you’ll orgasm than just one or the other.

Cheap, easy ways to have fun in marriage

Written by Bosede Ola-Samuel - Nigeria

For many couples, sex is no longer what it used to be. There's no more adventure. So, they are stuck with the hope that things will get better. But the truth is, many times, wishes do not translate into reality. That is the basis of the popular saying, "if wishes were horses, beggars would ride." Wishing it will get better is not likely going to work. Couples who are serious about having a better sex life need to work at it. They may need to talk to sex experts to find out how they can put the "fire" back in their sex life. They could also read more books, magazines and write-ups on sex. Trying out the tips below will surely help in that direction. 

The starting point is to talk about your sex life in order to find out what the missing link is. If you doubt the need for this, then read this excerpt:

"Even long-term couples can struggle in the bedroom. Though we can easily tell our partner what shirt we'd like him to wear, or what we'd like to cook together for dinner, we tend to get tongue-tied when it comes to the topic of sex. 'People tend to be very sensitive when it comes to talking about sex. They're afraid of hurting their partner's feelings, so, they don't tell them what they like or don't like. But you're not going to get it unless you ask for it,' says relationship and family therapist, Rachel Sussman."

So, how do you tell your partner what you want without bruising his or her ego? I think it's really in how you bring up the statement. You can begin by saying, "I would love it if we..." or, "Could we try this?" You don't want to make them feel bad about what they've done or haven't done.

Nigerians in America: How (NOT) to raise our children

Written by Abiodun Ladepo

Ladepo, a resident of Los Angeles, California, USA.

Email: oluyole2@yahoo.com

It begins with the language spoken in the home. It is often the case that parents who share the same Nigerian language speak English to their children at home even when the children are just babies and toddlers. This is a waste of the child's wide repertoire for learning new things, including new languages. 

Various psychologists and socio-linguists opine that every child is imbued with an innate ability to acquire a language. What parents need to do is place that child in close proximity to the language and the child would pick it up effortlessly. Parents unwittingly underestimate the child's capacity to learn the parents' native language, internalise it as perfectly as the parents do and use it as appropriately as the parents do. By not speaking their native language to their children, parents deny their children the three theories of language acquisition: Imitation, reinforcement and active construction of grammar.

Also, by speaking our adulterated, impure American English to the children, parents unwittingly impede or, in fact, destroy the children's ability to learn American English in its purest form. Most of us who arrived in the US after 12 years of age or after puberty (according to socio-linguists) have forever lost the capacity to learn American English like a native speaker. We come from Nigeria with our breathy alphabets, twisted consonants, misplaced stresses, wrong diction, abbreviated vocabulary, and we unknowingly impose these habits on our children. Our imperfect American English is what we expose our children to, and through the three theories of language acquisition mentioned above, our children acquire our poor English. We do not recognise the fact just as our parents did not sit us down to teach us our native Nigerian languages, that our children would naturally and effortlessly learn from their friends at the nursery, higher schools and playgrounds.

It then goes on into subordinating or completely surrendering our entire mores to the American environment in which we live. Our children wake up and walk past us in the house without rendering the greeting of the day. Forget about girls kneeling down and boys prostrating. The children outright do not even utter the greeting of the day before asking us for whatever they want! A Nigerian man walked into his house with his friend in tow. He found his two teenage boys playing video games in the living room. Rather than greet their father and the guest, the children unplugged their video player and relocated into their room. When the father went to them and chastised them for not having the decency to greet his friend, the boys told him the guest was the father's, not theirs! They didn't think they had the obligation to greet their parents' friends. Some, in fact, call their parents' friends by their first names! Forget "Uncle" or "Auntie."

Mentor, don't bully your mentee

Written by Adeoye Oyewole - Nigeria

Every society has its own way of life that is peculiar and held as being precious, such that those values are transmitted from one generation to the other. These values determine the operating facility of the society that must be inculcated through the process of socialisation which continues throughout life.

The crucial challenge of transmission of values involves many aspects of our lives, such as the peer group, the school, the religious institutions, the mass media and, of course, the family, which remains the primary agent of socialization.

Eloquent research findings show the link between the level of educational and later, occupational, attainment of the child and the quality of socialisation emanating from the family as a strong predictor. In the same vein, women that develop mental illness following childbirth require urgent attention so that the attachment and bonding processes are not disrupted, since children in such circumstances develop profound cognitive and psychosocial deficits later in life. Parents are concerned about the socialisation processes in the school their children attend but do not bother about other agents or agency of socialisation that could impact their children negatively, possibly because they are apparently subtle, often culturally sanctioned and not immediately visible like the school but equally potent in their impact.

Socialisation is life-long and the potential for mismanagement is high, with profound mental health consequences. Mentorship is a personal developmental relationship in which the more experienced person helps to guide a less knowledgeable person. True mentoring is an ongoing relationship of learning, dialogue, and challenge. This practice has existed since ancient Greek and was the basis of American management innovation, which was very popular in the 1970s. The focus of any mentoring relationship is to develop the whole person through 'accompanying process' where the mentor takes an active part in the learning process side by side with the learner. The sowing process, which prepares the learner before he or she is ready to assimilate the lessons; the catalysing process when the mentor chooses to plunge the learner into change, provoking a different way of thinking or reordering of values; and the showing process where the mentor demonstrates what is being inculcated by his own behaviour; while harvesting, as the last process, involves creating awareness of what was learnt by experience.

How prepared are you for retirement?

Written by 'Nimi Akinkugbe 

Email: nakinkugbe@punchng.com

Have you been planning and saving for retirement over the years or have you failed to address this most important stage of your life and suddenly find that retirement is looming? Will your nest egg be able to provide the kind of lifestyle that you desire for the rest of your life? Here are some issues to consider in planning for retirement.

How do you plan to spend your retirement? Consider these scenarios: Several hours of golf may be one of your goals; or it could be world travel, spending more time with your children and grandchildren, or pottering around your garden. At last, you can take your passion or hobby to a new level. You might want to give back to your community through volunteering or philanthropy. Would you like to go back to school just to learn about a subject you've always been interested in, or to share the immense knowledge and experience that you have garnered over the years by teaching?

The possibilities are endless; ideally, this should be the time of your life where you are open to new and exciting opportunities that will keep you productive, mentally stimulated and fulfilled. For far too many people, however, an uncertain future clouds these rosy pictures and they may never become a reality without adequate preparation.

The earlier you begin to save and invest, the more time the power of compounding has to work and your money has to grow. Those who start saving for retirement in their 20s have a much better chance of building a significant nest egg. Saving even a small amount on a regular basis can add up to a tidy sum over a long period of time. The younger you are and the more you have saved, the less you will need to amass in future.

How much do you have to start saving now to generate the kind of income that you will need to afford the lifestyle you desire? It is increasingly rare for a pension to be able to cover all your retirement needs. Your retirement income is likely to come from your pension as well as other savings and investments. As life spans increase, it is not unusual to spend well over 20 years in retirement; so, you need to be sure that your financial resources can last as long as you do.

How good are Nigerian men in bed?

by Dr. Biodun Ogungbo - Nigeria

(ogungbo@btinternet.com)

Dr. Biodun Ogungbo

I mean you have seen the way men drive in Nigeria: fast and furious, in a hurry to get nowhere! Might it be that the way a man drives is a reflection of his bedtime activity? And, of course, I also wanted to ask: Is the lack of good sex driving women to fat in Nigeria?

You must have seen the scene before, where, after copulating, the man looked like the cat that got the cream, while the woman looked despondent and was busy searching under the pillow, the bed and in the wardrobe: for her orgasm!

Anyway, added to the above is the rising incidence of rape, marital strives and divorce due to adultery, which further underlines the problem. Every day, you hear of some woman killed by an irate husband because of this issue.

For God's sake, what is the fun in forcing a woman to have sex, or by rape? Why would you date rape or even rape your wife? The real joy is making a woman want you - just you - again and again.

The problem

It seems that one of the biggest problems men face is knowing how to make love to a woman! Unfortunately, what commonly happens is that young men get their sexual advice from friends or from pornographic films and books. As a result, they have a distorted view of what it is actually about.

Today's child and sexual exposure

Written by Funmi Akingbade - Nigeria

(cafi.punch@yahoo.com)

I received a phone call from a father recently who complained about his 9-year-old boy's habit of visiting pornography sites from the game pad he gave him as a birthday gift. He said when he confronted boy, he said that it was his classmates in school that introduced it to him.

He said the boy told him that porn is no longer new as they exchange plenty of porn materials among one another. The man pleaded with me to help rescue the boy from such an ungodly act.

Another single parent sent me a mail asking me how to check a neighbour's son who has formed the habit of introducing sexual stuff to her daughters that are between five and 10 years. She said when she reported the boy's behaviour to his father; he dismissed it as mere innocent act. She said she is not comfortable because her children have now started getting used to sex talk that she did not teach them.

Both parents said they had not yet introduced any form of sexuality talk or education to their children when I asked them.

This is one of the big mistakes of our times; parents leaving their children to the vulnerability of negative influence of Internet information without guidance. Because of the type of society we live in, parents owe their children a duty to communicate the right sexual values. Sexual values are appropriate, correct, right beliefs, priorities, and norms about sex, sexuality, and gender respects.

Weather and sex

By Funmi Akingbade (cafi.punch@yahoo.com)

Funmi Akingbade

At the beginning of the year the weather was so hot and electricity supply was not regular. Literally, you could see disappointment boldly written on the faces of people and the murmurings about how terribly hot the weather was. But for some few months now, the story has changed as it rains regularly. However, the wet season has had a positive effect on the sex lives of many couples.

Does a change in weather really affect sexual performance and libido? In order to get reasonable answers, my team of sex therapists took a survey of many couples via SMS, email, phone calls and street chats with a simple question: 'How does hot or cold weather affect your sex drive?'

The statistics do not only show the dynamic of human sexuality but also shows how culture and mindset can affect relationship and sexual performance of married couples.

Virtually 87 per cent of couples say hot weather decreases their sex drive, hampered their libido, makes sex a no-go area and kills their interest. Among many reasons why hot weather creates an anti-sexy environment is that many couples complain bitterly that most of their spouses sweat and smell irritably in hot weather. Amazingly, this is also the period when most people say STDs are more pronounced in their partners or when they are infected. This indicates that a hot or humid environment is a good breeding ground for most diseases. This is also the period when skin infections spread. Ironically, we found a small percentage of couples who indicated that their sex drive stays the same in wet or hot weather.

Many couples have more sex in the wet season, as they say the cold increases their sex drive tremendously. Well the reason is not far-fetched. Whenever it rains, the environment becomes peaceful, cool and cozy. Seven in 10 Nigerians say the weather affects their mood, and makes them want to stay near a comforting spouse.

Exposure to cold weather and a little sunlight elevates the production and secretion of melanocyte stimulating hormone, which has been linked to increased sex drive in women. This explains why women in particular crave for sex during the raining season. Serotonin, a feel-good neurotransmitter produced by the brain, may also be responsible for heightened mood and sex drive during the rainy season.

One particular wife said, 'To me, making love with the sound of rain outside is so romantic I always fantasise the rhythm of the rain with the thrusting in and out of my husband. It's so awesome. As his energy builds, there is also an improvement in the physical sexual pleasure within me. For me, the rain is a reflection of a sexual reunion. And each time it rains I make it a point of duty to seek numerous opportunities to improve our sexual experience and heighten the sensations. Even when there is no electricity supply, I'm equal to the task."

Frenemies: 10 Types of friends to avoid

Written by  Ruth Olurounbi  - Nigeria 

If all your friend does is take from you, without giving anything back in the friendship, there is no point in being friends anymore.

A good lover can complete you and make you feel alive.

And just like that, a good group of friends too, can motivate you and cheer you up.

But on the other hand, a few bad friends can drag you into the pits or ruin your life too.

Choose your friends carefully, and always make sure that the friends closest to you are the ones that can make life better for you, and not worse.

Types of friends to avoid

Here is a list of ten types of friends that you really need to avoid.

These toxic friends may seem like fun at times or even feel like thrilling risk takers, but when the crap hits the fan, it'll be you under it.

The cheater

Many friendships have been crumpled and crushed, because a best friend hit on a friend's romantic partner.

To avoid making best friends with this type, avoid the sneaky flirts, the sweet talkers and generally, people who try flattering you and talking like you mean the world to them.

You'd be better off with someone who's more true and down-to-earth with their claims.

The competitor

Any kind of competition is healthy in every relationship but when claws start to come out and things get extremely competitive between friends, things can get very ugly.

8 signs you are awesome in bed

Written by  Ruth Olurounbi - Nigeria

You can dance.

Now before all of you start coming at me from every corner of Reddit to cut me off at the pass of my misandry, fedoras clutched in your gnarled fingers and neckbeards springing forth from your quivering underchin like a thousand resilient dandelions, hold on. I don't mean that those who are incapable of getting past the first two rounds of So You Think You Can Dance are destined to remain shriveled virgins. We don't all have to be the non-horrific version of Chris Brown when it comes to moving our feet along a dance floor. However, if you are the kind of person who is determined to stay glued against the wall while everyone else is having fun and being silly, I don't know how your hips would do if naked and horizontal. I don't have high hopes for them, though.

Your sexuality isn't easily threatened.

If you often find yourself referring to things as "gay" or "girly" or "lesbo" and have a laundry list of things you will not do, wear, say, or try because they somehow threaten your ability to be yourself in your own gender and sexuality - chill. Chill, chill, chill. If you are into who you are and have no doubts about what you like (and are not upset by those around you not liking the same thing) there is no reason to get so angry at the thought of having to, say, use a pink pen when you are CLEARLY a MAN with a PENIS. If you're not bothered by these things, it's a pretty good sign that you don't feel you have much to prove.

The marriage is over when?

1. You are happy your mate is not around: 
If you start feeling on top of the world that your spouse isn't around, check it.

3. You or your spouse cheats:

Are you always cheating on your spouse? Or you have an excuse for adultery-she/he is doing same and you are on a revenge mission? Do you flaunt girlfriends in your spouse' face with a there's-nothing-you-can-do attitude? You could break up your union.

2. You have totally lost respect for each other in the relationship:
One of the most important aspects of a healthy marriage is mutual respect. When that's gone-when one partner consistently feels dismissed, rejected and condescended to (and the other partner doesn't see it or refuses to talk through it), you are in a bad place.

4. You no longer have sex:

Your bed is cold and you resent the man or woman sleeping next to you? Or have you started sleeping separately in different rooms due to constant quarrels? Then you are on the verge of a separation.

5. You're no longer a team:

In healthily humming-along marriages, both partners work as a team on everything- from parenting to running the household to supporting each other in career and personal ambitions. But when you start operating on different levels and refused working as one on day-to-day issues, there is trouble in that marriage.

As wives relocate abroad, husbands turn 'bachelors'

By Bisi Olawunmi
olawunmibisi@yahoo.com

If you are observant enough, you will notice him in markets - an ageing, cosmopolitan gentleman haggling with the market woman pricing pepper, fish, okro and vegetable oil. His age, generally 50 and above. At other times, you see him in the high brow areas of major cities doing his shopping at the mall. If he is no longer in paid employment, he spends much of his time at the Club house. There is a club patronised by such elderly live-alone men in old Bodija in Ibadan. He lives a relatively quiet life at home - no chattering or running around of children. Except, perhaps, for the occasional female visitor, that is for those still with libido, the house environment has an unnerving serenity. The above scenario typifies the changing times for the family set-up, especially for fathers in middle and upper class families in Nigeria. The ageing Nigerian husband and father is facing a silent revolt – a gang-up against him by wives and children who have chosen to remain abroad. The irony of it all is that it is the successful husbands and fathers who are mostly in this bind. Men took different routes to this common destination of loneliness in their twilight years. Many had travelled abroad, often to Europe, the US and Canada in their youth in search of the golden fleece, got married either to fellow Nigerians or ladies in their countries' of residence, acquire higher education, raise families and look forward to a life of bliss thereafter. While some returned home immediately after their education, others stayed back to also get their children educated before returning home. Some went abroad as employees of government agencies or international organisations with their families or raised families at their duty posts and either returned after their tenure or stayed back. Some men returned while the wives stayed back - different strokes. We have a large number of stay-back wives in Maryland, New York and Atlanta, all in the US, among others. There is a third category of those who went abroad under the US Visa lottery. In all, going abroad were happy moments, then, and in some cases, all the children of many couples ended up going abroad. Many fathers of such children are no longer smiling. Yet, the rush to America and Europe continues.

With Nigeria's worsening economic problems, those who never came back stayed put while the problems forced the children of many returnees back to the countries where many are citizens. Meanwhile, the returnee parents are getting older as well as those who never went abroad but had children there. The returnees and the locals are now in the same boat. In their active, younger days, many parents travelled abroad on vacations to see their children. Now retired or approaching retirement age, many parents are either financially or physically not able to make the journeys again, while some refused to visit to protest the children's non reciprocation.

It won't hurt, after a while…

Sometimes, you are at that portion of the road in your life when you think you can't go on. You are so heartbroken you can't believe you are still breathing. As far your feelings are concerned, it's the end of the world. It ended when the love of your life said goodbye. Getting out of bed becomes a chore. Life as a whole becomes hard work.

You can't imagine why the birds still sing and the sun still shines when you are all cold inside. Your life just feels like one huge indescribable pain. Are you at that portion in the road now? Do you feel it is all over, that you can't ever love again? No such thing. After a while, it shall pass because you'll live again. Every woman, every man at one point or the other must pass through this way. It's bumpy, dusty and choking. It's so cold you can't feel your toes.

The pain leaves you numb. It's so dark and cloudy you can't see there is still a great wide road ahead. But there is life after this point. You'll get through it. You'll understand it by and by. And it won't hurt you after a while. You have been in a relationship for three years. His parents know you. Your parents know him. In fact the two parents were only waiting for the two of you to give the holy matrimony signal. All your friends were set to be bridesmaids. You had told all your suitors that you were taken, spoken for. And then he delivered his 'so long' speech.

You are still trying to remember what his excuse was. Your heart seems to have stopped pumping blood or why else are you this numb. You have asked yourself over and again where you went wrong, how you missed the signs that he no longer wanted you. The fog is bad. Your eyes are swollen from crying, your dresses are hanging on you because you are neither sleeping nor eating. As bad as it looks this minute, even this shall pass. And you'll love again.

You were 35 when you met him. Your heart had been broken more than once and you'd made up your mind not to let any man get past the armoured gate to your heart. But he came and broke through your defences . He made you eat your vow. You fell in love again. He promised to remain your knight in shining armour and once again you believed. Today, he's gone and you are 40 and bewildered. Were you created to be alone? Maybe marriage is not in your stars. All you can see through your tears are the lonely years ahead. Maybe you will die childless. Maybe you should adopt a child now. Maybe you should accept your fate and stop searching. You can't see it now but the scars will heal.