Sent by Hiyab Tsegay - Eritrea
A Somalian arrives in Vancouver as a new immigrant to Canada . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says ... 'Thank you Mr. Canadian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Canada !'
The person says, 'I not Canadian, I Vietnamese.'
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Canada !'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not Canadian !'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a Canadian ?'
She says , 'No, I am from Africa !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Canadians ?'
The African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at work'
Afrisonet: Universally African and Socially Responsible. We are on the path to the total discovery of the people in today's Africa. Repositioning, to have a way, a say and to make a difference! Be Part.
Showing posts with label Jokes and Humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes and Humour. Show all posts
Matured Jokes
Sent by Gershon YAO-DABLU - Ghana
A Month Overdue!
Sent by Justine Hingha Lamboi (Mr.) - Sierra Leone
Mr. Sharma comes home one night and his wife throws her arms around his neck:
"I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby!
The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, Mrs. Sharma receives a telephone call from Reliance Energy because the
The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, Mrs. Sharma receives a telephone call from Reliance Energy because the
electricity bill has not been paid.
“Am I speaking to Mrs. Sharma?”
"Yes... speaking"
Reliance guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the Reliance guy.
"What are you saying? It's in your files ...HOW?????"
" Yes ............ . We have a system of finding out who's overdue "
" GOD!!!!!!... ...... This is too much........ .."
"Madam, I am sorry... I am following orders.... I have to inform you that you are overdue"
"I know that ..let me talk to my husband about this tonight. .... He will speak to your company tomorrow "
That night, she tells her husband about the incident, and he, mad as a bull,
“Am I speaking to Mrs. Sharma?”
"Yes... speaking"
Reliance guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the Reliance guy.
"What are you saying? It's in your files ...HOW?????"
" Yes ............ . We have a system of finding out who's overdue "
" GOD!!!!!!... ...... This is too much........ .."
"Madam, I am sorry... I am following orders.... I have to inform you that you are overdue"
"I know that ..let me talk to my husband about this tonight. .... He will speak to your company tomorrow "
That night, she tells her husband about the incident, and he, mad as a bull,
rushes to Reliance office the next day morning.
"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?
What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at Reliance, "it's nothing serious.
"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?
What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at Reliance, "it's nothing serious.
All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? And if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
"PAY you? And if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
The husband collapsed!!
-----------------------------------------------
There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
---------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story:Weight loss program for men
"Excuse me my dear........my stomach," and disappeared towards the bathroom. The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back stairs, into the maid's bed. She just had time to switch the lights off when in he came silently.....
He wasted no time or words but quickly took out his willy, and got on top of her. When he finished and still panting, the wife said " You didn't expect to find me in this bed did you!!" and switched on the light.
"No indeed, Madam" said the gardener!!!.
----------------------------------------------------
A bloke calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later
huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost
10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is
wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that
reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four
days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and
better shape .
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he
discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50
pound program .
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most
rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds
a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running
shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your ass
is mine.'
He lost 63 pounds that week...
__________________________
Grammar lesson
Sent by Armanda D. - Portugal
Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually.
He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work.
So eventually the doctor refers him to an old Gypsy medicine woman.
The medicine woman says, "I can cure this." That said, she throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
She collects the ash, then she says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
The medicine woman replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned - it will not work again for another year!"
Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess.
That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123."
He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life just as the medicine woman had promised.
Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
And that, my friends, is why you should never end a sentence with a preposition
________________________________
A Test of 'Fidelity'
Sent by Kouassi Etien - Cote D'Ivoire
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me.
It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less.
One day "little sister" called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
One day "little sister" called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top, she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and quickly headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car !
(Caution: Do not quote)
---------------------------------------------Good manners !
Sent by Yodit Arefaine - Eritrea
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
" Michael , if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
The teacher fainted...
__________________________
NECROPHILIA!
Sent by Justine Lamboi - Sierra Leone
A man was brought before the judge and charged
With NECROPHILIA i:e making love to a dead person.
The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing.
Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the jail keys in the toilet?"
The man replied, "I'll give you THREE Good reasons:
1. It’s none of your damn business;
2. She is my wife; and.....
3. I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way when we are on!"
ACQUITTED AND DISCHARGE !
_______________________________
Smart Bob
Sent by Hiyab Tsegay - Eritrea
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, ‘Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?’ Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She’s my wife!’
They are knocked over, but continue to ask. ‘So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?’ ‘I lied about my age’, Bob replies.
‘What, did you tell her you were only 50?’
Bob smiles and says, ‘No, I told her I was 90.
________________________________
SERVICE
Sent by Armanda Delgado - Portugal
Sent by Armanda Delgado - Portugal
I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word 'service', as in:
Internal Revenue 'Service'
US Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.
Internal Revenue 'Service'
US Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.
BAM! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.
Now you are as enlightened as I am?
____________________________
The sound proof kitchen
Sent by Kouassi Etien - Cote D'Ivoire
Bakari is a house boy who every day drinks the wine
of his Boss and puts water in the bottle to replace what he drank. But the Boss was suspicious and decided to buy pastis (a French wine that changes color if you add water).
of his Boss and puts water in the bottle to replace what he drank. But the Boss was suspicious and decided to buy pastis (a French wine that changes color if you add water).
Bakari as usual, drank the wine and topped it
up with water (to replace what he drank).
But unfortunately for him, immediately he added
water the pastis became milky. And when the Boss
Came back and noticed it, he knew he had nailed
Bakari. Bakari also knew that he was in big trouble and decided to stay put in the kitchen when his boss came home.
The Boss told his wife and said he would call Bakari to come and acknowledge his evil ways.
"Bakari!", he called from the sitting room. Bakari answered: "Yes, Boss"."Who drank my pastis?".
No answer. The Boss asked again: still no answer.
Then the Boss went to the kitchen to meet him there:
"Are you insane or what? Why when I call you you say "yes boss" but when I ask you a question you don't answer me? "
Bakari retorted that "when you are in the kitchen you don't understand anything at all, except your name"
“Is that so?” asked the boss, "Okay, you stay beside my wife, while I’ll go in the kitchen, and you will ask me a question ".Bakari accepted. The Boss went in the kitchen and Bakari shouted:
"Boss".
He answered: "Yes, Bakari".
"Who goes into the maids’ bedroom when your wife is not there? "
No answer.
Bakari shouted again: "Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?"
No answer.
Third time; "Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?"
The Boss runs back from the kitchen shouting
"Wonders will never cease" Bakari, It is true, when one is in the kitchen, one does not hear anything, except ones name.
For more jokes click here: Jokes for Adults Only
Know where you're going in life... you may
Sent by Kouassi L. Etien - Cote D'Ivoire
A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.
"Not very long," answered the Mexican.
"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.
The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.
The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.
The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. I have a full life."
"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. I have a full life."
The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."
"And after that?" asked the Mexican.
"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to
"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.
"And after that?"
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.
"And after that?"
"Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing.
"When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"
"Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the Mexican.
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoy ing your friends."
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoy ing your friends."
The moral of this story:
- Know where you're going in life... you may already be there !
The chicken story...
Sent by Lloyd Okereafor - Nigeria
A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old cock. As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market.
Old cock to Young cock : "Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.
Young cock : What you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.
Old cock : Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?
Young cock : No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.
Old cock : In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose you will have all.
Young cock : O.K. What kind of competition?
Old cock: 50 meter run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.
Young cock : No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.
Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.
Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock back in a matter of seconds.
Suddenly, Bang! ...... before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed, "Hell ! This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this week !"
Lesson:
Live a life of give and take...
Eat alone-die alone!
The older, the more crafty...
Youthful exuberance and naivity could be costly!
A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old cock. As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market.
Old cock to Young cock : "Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.
Young cock : What you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.
Old cock : Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?
Young cock : No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.
Old cock : In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose you will have all.
Young cock : O.K. What kind of competition?
Old cock: 50 meter run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.
Young cock : No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.
Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.
Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock back in a matter of seconds.
Suddenly, Bang! ...... before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed, "Hell ! This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this week !"
Lesson:
Live a life of give and take...
Eat alone-die alone!
The older, the more crafty...
Youthful exuberance and naivity could be costly!
Kids' say...
Sent by Kouassi Lazare Etien - Cote D'Ivoire
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
___________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables
__________________________________________
TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn'tpunish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
___________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables
__________________________________________
TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn'tpunish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
...CRACK YA RIBS!
Should children witness childbirth?
Sent by Kouassi Etien - Cote D'Ivoire
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to The call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the Baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was
Born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and Spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had Just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack him Again!'
------------------------------------------
Its a Kids' world !
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more.
Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'
BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read : 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget...this particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'
-----------------------------------------------
'...is this the Sheriff's Office?'
Sent by Armanda Delgado - Portugal
'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'
'Yes What can I do for you?'
'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs , but he's hidin' it there.'
'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but; find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?' 'Yeah!'
'Did they chop your firewood?'
'Yep!'
'Happy Birthday, buddy!'
(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun).
------------------------------------------
FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY
Sent by Caroline Ikpa - Nigeria
In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days.
The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, " The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day.
Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his
day. Court is adjourned.
You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!
Sent by Kouassi Etien - Cote D'Ivoire
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to The call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the Baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was
Born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and Spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had Just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack him Again!'
------------------------------------------
Its a Kids' world !
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more.
Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'
BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read : 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget...this particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'
-----------------------------------------------
'...is this the Sheriff's Office?'
Sent by Armanda Delgado - Portugal
'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'
'Yes What can I do for you?'
'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs , but he's hidin' it there.'
'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but; find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?' 'Yeah!'
'Did they chop your firewood?'
'Yep!'
'Happy Birthday, buddy!'
(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun).
------------------------------------------
FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY
Sent by Caroline Ikpa - Nigeria
In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days.
The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, " The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day.
Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his
day. Court is adjourned.
You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!
Ol' Blue!
Sent by Armanda Delgado - Portugal
--A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.
He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
--A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.
He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
Q & A...
Sent by Hiyab Tsegay - Eritrea
A husband was asked: "Do you talk to your wife after sex?"
He replied: "Depends, if I can find a phone."
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?
Millionaire: I owe everything to my wife.
Interviewer: Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?
Millionaire: A Billionaire
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humour."
Man to wife on wedding night: "Are you sure I'm the first man you are sleeping with?"
Wife replied: "Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!"
A husband was asked: "Do you talk to your wife after sex?"
He replied: "Depends, if I can find a phone."
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?
Millionaire: I owe everything to my wife.
Interviewer: Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?
Millionaire: A Billionaire
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humour."
Man to wife on wedding night: "Are you sure I'm the first man you are sleeping with?"
Wife replied: "Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!"
Chinese Eye Test
Sent by Armanda Delgado - Potugal
If you cannot decipher anything, then try pulling the corner of your eyes as if you were Chinese. It works !!
Too FUNNY ehn?
But its real !__________________________________
Speedy and smart...
A Senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 160Kmh; enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the N1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 180Kmh, then 220, then 240Kmh. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman
Don't mess with Omo NAIJA.
Don't mess with Omo NAIJA.
Sent by John Chukwudi NWOBODO - Nigeria
An American lawyer and a Nigerian are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer believes that Nigerians are so dumb that he could put something over on them easily... So the lawyer asks if the Nigerian would like to play a fun game.
The Nigerian is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The American lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the Nigerian's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Nigerian doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the Nigerian's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Nigerian and hands him $500. The Nigerian pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Nigerian up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The Nigerian reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
Don't mess with Omo NAIJA.
________________________________
Setting your priorities straight
The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her Hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady,” But I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that you are not wearing a panty and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
Sent by John Chukwudi NWOBODO - Nigeria
An American lawyer and a Nigerian are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer believes that Nigerians are so dumb that he could put something over on them easily... So the lawyer asks if the Nigerian would like to play a fun game.
The Nigerian is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The American lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the Nigerian's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Nigerian doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the Nigerian's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Nigerian and hands him $500. The Nigerian pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Nigerian up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The Nigerian reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
Don't mess with Omo NAIJA.
________________________________
Setting your priorities straight
The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her Hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady,” But I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that you are not wearing a panty and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
Just JOKES - January, 2009.
5 Unforgettable Affairs
The 1st Affair:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
---------------------------------
The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "! Not this time!"
------------------------------------------
The 3rd Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."
------------------------------------------
The 4th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied,
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
------------------------------------------
The 5th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
________________________________
MEN NEVER LISTEN
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.'
__________________________________
WHO'S THE DADDY?
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story listened to her prayer which she ended by saying: 'God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa.' The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye grandpa?'
The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to say.'
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: 'God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and Good-bye Grandma.'
The next day the grandmother died.
'Oh my gosh' thought the father, 'this kid is in contact with the other side.'
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: 'God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.'
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife asked, 'I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?'
He said, 'I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life.'
She replied, 'you think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the gardener dropped dead in our backyard while I was watching!
WHO'S THE DADDY?
_________________________
"YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"
I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church,
Would that get me into Heaven?"
"No!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?"
I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
I was just bursting with pride for them.
"Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out,
"YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"
Thinking: Maybe you have to check if you are getting too busy this days...
_____________________________
Sunday Morning Sex
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.' Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along' .
_____________________________
Give...and Adam ate...
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. It's a bad one. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So, you're a man... That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle... My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
Give...and Adam ate the apple, too!! Men will never learn!!!
________________________
"Put that damn cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"
A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing.
As he was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.
At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that damn cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"
__________________________
You don't know shit
A stranger was seated next to a little black girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just opened her coloring book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "Since you are a Negro, do you think that So-called President Elect Barak Obama is qualified for the job?" and he smiles.
"OK", she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass -. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss President Barak Obama...when you don't know shit?"
____________________________
Setting your priorities right.
The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her Hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady,” But I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that you are not wearing a panty and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
The 1st Affair:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
---------------------------------
The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "! Not this time!"
------------------------------------------
The 3rd Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."
------------------------------------------
The 4th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied,
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
------------------------------------------
The 5th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
________________________________
MEN NEVER LISTEN
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.'
__________________________________
WHO'S THE DADDY?
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story listened to her prayer which she ended by saying: 'God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa.' The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye grandpa?'
The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to say.'
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: 'God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and Good-bye Grandma.'
The next day the grandmother died.
'Oh my gosh' thought the father, 'this kid is in contact with the other side.'
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: 'God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.'
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife asked, 'I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?'
He said, 'I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life.'
She replied, 'you think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the gardener dropped dead in our backyard while I was watching!
WHO'S THE DADDY?
_________________________
"YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"
I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church,
Would that get me into Heaven?"
"No!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?"
I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
I was just bursting with pride for them.
"Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out,
"YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"
Thinking: Maybe you have to check if you are getting too busy this days...
_____________________________
Sunday Morning Sex
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.' Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along' .
_____________________________
Give...and Adam ate...
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. It's a bad one. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So, you're a man... That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle... My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
Give...and Adam ate the apple, too!! Men will never learn!!!
________________________
"Put that damn cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"
A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing.
As he was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.
At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that damn cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"
__________________________
You don't know shit
A stranger was seated next to a little black girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just opened her coloring book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "Since you are a Negro, do you think that So-called President Elect Barak Obama is qualified for the job?" and he smiles.
"OK", she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass -. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss President Barak Obama...when you don't know shit?"
____________________________
Setting your priorities right.
The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her Hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady,” But I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that you are not wearing a panty and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
Fascinating jokes
Fascinating Biology Facts ...
The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.
It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are 20x stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as o ften as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumb.
__________________________________
Before marriage....
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!
After marriage....
Simply read from bottom to top.
_____________________________________
Break Into the House
Udurawana went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
'You'll get your chance in court,' said the desk sergeant.
'No, no,no!' said Udurawana. 'I just want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I've been trying to do that for years !!
_____________________________________
No Parking Zone !
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.
It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are 20x stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as o ften as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumb.
__________________________________
Before marriage....
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!
After marriage....
Simply read from bottom to top.
_____________________________________
Break Into the House
Udurawana went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
'You'll get your chance in court,' said the desk sergeant.
'No, no,no!' said Udurawana. 'I just want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I've been trying to do that for years !!
_____________________________________
No Parking Zone !
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
The Mexican Border !
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike."
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his drink and says, "Bicycles."
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike."
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his drink and says, "Bicycles."
PROMOTION TEST
Sent by: Moudyzvakabvira KAHOBA ( Zimbabwe)
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
Teacher: What is your problem?
Boy: I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is. I think I should be in the third-grade too.
The teacher took the boy to the principal's office. While the Boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told her that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
She agreed.
The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: What is 3 x 3?
Boy: 9
Principal: What is 6 x 6?
Boy: 36
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. "I think the boy can go to the third-grade", said the principal. The teacher said she had some of her own questions to ask. The
principal and the boy agreed.
Teacher: What is it that a cow has four and I have only two?
Boy: (after a moment) Legs.
Teacher: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?
Boy: Pockets.
Teacher: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut.
Teacher : What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The principal's eyes openned really wide and before he could stop the answer, the boy was already answering.
Boy: Bubblegum
Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?
The principal's eyes openned really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy: Shake hands.
Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy: Yep.
Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large vodka peg.....
Boy: Wedding Ring.
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy: Nose
Teacher: I am a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow
Teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy: Firetruck.
Teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' and if u dont get it u have to use your hand?
Boy: Fork.
Teacher : What is it that all men have one. It is longer for some men than for others. The pope doesn't use his. Normally a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy: SURNAME.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send this Boy to the University. I got the last ten questions wrong myself!
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
Teacher: What is your problem?
Boy: I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is. I think I should be in the third-grade too.
The teacher took the boy to the principal's office. While the Boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told her that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
She agreed.
The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: What is 3 x 3?
Boy: 9
Principal: What is 6 x 6?
Boy: 36
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. "I think the boy can go to the third-grade", said the principal. The teacher said she had some of her own questions to ask. The
principal and the boy agreed.
Teacher: What is it that a cow has four and I have only two?
Boy: (after a moment) Legs.
Teacher: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?
Boy: Pockets.
Teacher: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut.
Teacher : What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The principal's eyes openned really wide and before he could stop the answer, the boy was already answering.
Boy: Bubblegum
Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?
The principal's eyes openned really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy: Shake hands.
Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy: Yep.
Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large vodka peg.....
Boy: Wedding Ring.
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy: Nose
Teacher: I am a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow
Teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy: Firetruck.
Teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' and if u dont get it u have to use your hand?
Boy: Fork.
Teacher : What is it that all men have one. It is longer for some men than for others. The pope doesn't use his. Normally a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy: SURNAME.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send this Boy to the University. I got the last ten questions wrong myself!
Mommy's Way Or Daddy's Way?
Sent by Mikal Asmelash (Eritrea)
A man went to the store with his 3 year-old daughter in tow. Since he was just there to grab some essentials like milk and bread, he opted to save some time by not pushing a cart around the store.
"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him.
"I know, dear, but Daddy's way is OK, too," he replied.
Leaving the store in the rain and without a cart, he carried the bag of groceries, his daughter, and the milk quickly to the car. Not wanting to set anything down on the wet ground, he set the jug of milk on top of the car, efficiently whisked open the car door with his now free hand, scooted the groceries in and daughter into the car seat in one swift motion, and hopped in himself.
"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him again.
"Honey, there's more than one way to do things," the father replied patiently. "Daddy's way is OK, too."
As they pulled out and headed down the street, he became aware of the scraping sound on the roof as the jug of milk slid down the length of the rooftop, bounced off the trunk of the car and splattered to the ground, sending a froth of white milk in every direction.
In the millisecond he took to process his mistake, his young daughter looked at him, and in a most serious voice said, "That's NOT the way Mommy does it!"
A man went to the store with his 3 year-old daughter in tow. Since he was just there to grab some essentials like milk and bread, he opted to save some time by not pushing a cart around the store.
"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him.
"I know, dear, but Daddy's way is OK, too," he replied.
Leaving the store in the rain and without a cart, he carried the bag of groceries, his daughter, and the milk quickly to the car. Not wanting to set anything down on the wet ground, he set the jug of milk on top of the car, efficiently whisked open the car door with his now free hand, scooted the groceries in and daughter into the car seat in one swift motion, and hopped in himself.
"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him again.
"Honey, there's more than one way to do things," the father replied patiently. "Daddy's way is OK, too."
As they pulled out and headed down the street, he became aware of the scraping sound on the roof as the jug of milk slid down the length of the rooftop, bounced off the trunk of the car and splattered to the ground, sending a froth of white milk in every direction.
In the millisecond he took to process his mistake, his young daughter looked at him, and in a most serious voice said, "That's NOT the way Mommy does it!"
PRICELESS WORDS
Sent by Antony JAYARAJ (India)
A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table.
"Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping.
Love You!"
Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious.
Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door". Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?
I should expect a big quarrel with her!"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes and shoes off, you said,
"LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!"
Moral
Self-induced hangover - $ 400..00
Broken crockery - $ 800.00
Breakfast - $ 10.00
Saying the Right Thing While Drunk – "PRICELESS "
There are truly some things that both money and Mastercard can't buy
A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table.
"Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping.
Love You!"
Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious.
Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door". Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?
I should expect a big quarrel with her!"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes and shoes off, you said,
"LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!"
Moral
Self-induced hangover - $ 400..00
Broken crockery - $ 800.00
Breakfast - $ 10.00
Saying the Right Thing While Drunk – "PRICELESS "
There are truly some things that both money and Mastercard can't buy
Take a Break
Sent by: Mr. Justine Hingha LAMBOI
One day an overworked young man was sitting in his office on the 19th floor of a building, highly stressed.
A colleague came running into his office and shouted, 'John, your daughter, Anna has just been hit by a car right opposite this building!'
The gentleman was in panic. Not knowing what to do, he jumped out through his office window.
While coming down, when he was near the 14th floor he remembered he didn't have a daughter named Anna.
When he was near the 7th floor, he remembered he was not married yet.
When he was about to hit the ground he remembered his name was not John!
Next time you feel stressed at work - take a break.
One day an overworked young man was sitting in his office on the 19th floor of a building, highly stressed.
A colleague came running into his office and shouted, 'John, your daughter, Anna has just been hit by a car right opposite this building!'
The gentleman was in panic. Not knowing what to do, he jumped out through his office window.
While coming down, when he was near the 14th floor he remembered he didn't have a daughter named Anna.
When he was near the 7th floor, he remembered he was not married yet.
When he was about to hit the ground he remembered his name was not John!
Next time you feel stressed at work - take a break.
The Obedient Wife
Sent by Mikal Asmelash
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, Wait just a moment!'
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,
'Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!
'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, Wait just a moment!'
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,
'Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!
'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'
At a doctors surgery
Sent by: Ayodeji FANIYAN - Nigeria
At a doctors surgery one morning a patient arrives complaining of serious backache. The doctor examines him and asks him " What the hell did you do to your back?"
The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club?Today morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been sleeping with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, That's how I strained my back"
The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor says "My previous looked bad, but you look terrible. What the hell happened to you?" He replies, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."
The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to you?" "Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor!"
At a doctors surgery one morning a patient arrives complaining of serious backache. The doctor examines him and asks him " What the hell did you do to your back?"
The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club?Today morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been sleeping with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, That's how I strained my back"
The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor says "My previous looked bad, but you look terrible. What the hell happened to you?" He replies, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."
The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to you?" "Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor!"
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