My husband wants more action

By Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626

Christy writes Agatha:

Dear Agatha,

Please help me get out of this personal problem that is threatening my life and marriage. I am not gifted in the act of love-making and from all the signs I am getting, it appears my husband is already having an affair. While my husband likes impossible positions and heavy romance, I am a more practical person. I feel most comfortable with the orthodox positions.

We have been married for three years and he has always complained about my inability to meet up with his demands. I really don’t know what to do anymore. I have tried in my little way to please him but I end up regretting even the little attempts I make because he appears not to appreciate these gestures at all.

But with the threat of another woman, I am willing to learn but don’t know who or where to turn to. Besides, I don’t want people laughing at me.

I also want to avoid a situation where you confide in a pastor and he now comes to the altar to use as his topic for the day.

My husband happens to be very handsome. I come from a broken home and wouldn’t want my children to suffer what I suffered. Please help me. I do love him. I have kept praying but nothing seems to be working. I have this belief that only worldly people have sex the way my husband wants it.

Christy.                

Agatha's councel:

Dear Christy,

There is no contesting the power of quality lovemaking in a marriage. Without a sound and fulfilling lovemaking between couple, the tendency of the marriage surviving is questionable.

For any woman to keep her husband tied to her side, in addition to knowing how to cook and care for her husband and home, she must be good in the bedroom. For most men, this is important and the reason they have a wife at home. The average man is hooked on sex and is forever excited when the woman he is with is doing something new and exciting to him. Until the charm of new sex wears off, the original woman in his life has the task of bettering the other woman or risk losing him entirely to the sexual superiority of the other woman.

You don’t have an excuse not to give your husband the kind of sex he wants. It is his right to ask and have it, just like you also have the right to demand what you want from him. Once a woman gets married, she owes it to herself to improve on whatever it takes to keep her home. Having lived with your husband for three years and listened to his constant complaints about your limitations in the bedroom, you should have done something before he gets interested in another woman.

It is unfortunate that the thing that you are refusing to do with him, he is getting freely from another woman. You have only succeeded in making the efforts of keeping him happy more difficult for you, the issues now are how to get him off that woman and keeping him at home.

If you are serious about getting him back, it is time you threw away every prejudice you had about lovemaking. Begin by appreciating it is one of the best gifts God gave to married couples. Apart from its pleasurable side, it has the power to transform an ordinary relationship to a powerful one through its potent communication skills.

To use sex as a communication tool, learn to use your eyes, fingers and tongue very well. To get the full mental information about your partner’s body, you must explore every part of him with your fingers and tongue. This way, you get to know without too much words his excitements spots and his turn offs. Like a baby, your husband must be able to tell your fingers from any other finger. He must be able to feel, decode the message your finger and looks are passing in a very large crowd of people. By mere looking at him you too should be able to decode what he is thinking and key into it. Both of you should be able to draw each other out, make the right connection in a crowd of millions of people without saying a word. With looks, a couple can make love. It is called mental lovemaking. This is the whole essence of lovemaking as opposed to what he gets from you now. Sex is animalistic while lovemaking is opium for the soul.

There is no way you can combine the power of lovemaking with sex if you are not ready to experiment and be adventurous. You must be ready to follow the lead of your husband as well as your own basic instincts. Just as the newly born infant instinctively knows where to direct the mouth to for food, so also is the knowledge of sex natural to the human mind. Everything you want to know about sex is etched deep inside of your mind. Your problem is that you allowed your reservations and disdain for sexual adventures rob you of your natural instincts.

When next you are with your husband, allow him to take you along with him. Don’t resist him, flow with him to wherever he wants to take you. This way you become elastic in his hands, he is able to manipulate you to the satisfaction of both of you.

If you allow yourself go, you won’t have to worry about the discomfort of the positions he likes or how to achieve these seemingly impossible positions.

By the time you are through with the study of his body, it would be easier for you too to add spices of your own to it. Once you are able to flow nicely with him, he would soon forget the other woman.

Aid the moments with secrets of your own aimed at personalizing you in his mind forever. Get yourself a nice perfume, one that is distinct, that his memory will store as you, buy cozy and sinfully cut nightgowns, don’t be shy he is your man so don’t hold anything back in winning and keeping him firmly at your side. Add excitements by taking your intimacy outside the bedroom to other areas in the house. Don’t be timid to be his woman in every way. If you don’t get your groove from him, who will you do it with? He can go out, you cannot; so do what you have to do to make both of you happy.

Your former efforts didn’t achieve much because they lacked imagination and excitement he is looking for. For someone like your husband to be impressed it has to be a full scale package. You have to come out like the full grown woman you are and use what you have to get back what is yours.

It isn’t in all matters that prayers work. When it comes to the issue of sex, you have to be practical. Without you taking the steps that should be taken, there is nothing prayers can achieve. It won’t stop your husband from craving for fulfilment from his wife, stop his imagination from wanting more from the woman he married, and prevent his hormones from being on the overdrive.

It is his right to demand for quality sex from his wife. If God didn’t think it important in the first place, He wouldn’t have given it as a gift to married couples. So whatever religious thing you have against enjoying sex, bury it and move your sex life out of the sphere of spiritualism. The importance of sex lies in our gender, male and female. We need it to ensure the continuity of the world. And for humans, it isn’t just a story of assisting continuation of the world; it is a case of balancing the emotional stability of man. A good sex life produces the right frame of mind and mood for man to accomplish more.

An emotionally stable mind is a mind of great achievement.

As you have found out through your own mistakes, there are always women out there willing to give unconditionally what a man isn’t getting from his home. When a woman marries, pretences of being holier than the Pope should be dropped. Her mission is not to decorate her husband’s bed but to make it enjoyable for him and herself. Once a woman is married, no one expects excuses from her; she is expected to know what her mission is in her husband’s house as well as the knowledge to ensure she stays in there.

The solution to your man’s misbehaviour is for you to take the right step in making him happy. That a woman has a child or children for a man isn’t enough reason that he won’t misbehave.

He has to be completely happy with everything around him for him to stay faithful and quality lovemaking is a very strong reason.

Prayers can only work after you have taken the practical step to recovery and not before.

Good luck.

I gave birth to a baby for my boss in my hubby’s house

With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626Dear Agatha, 

Please, I am very desperate and need your help urgently. I am in the worst kind of situations and don’t know how to go about it without losing everything as well as the support of the one person who matters the most to me.

Sometime last year, March to be précised, I found myself in a very uncompromising situation with my boss. One thing led to another and we ended up making love right there in his office.
Before my husband-to-be came on the scene, my boss and I were having an affair but stopped when I met my fiancé. To be very honest with you Agatha, if not for the fact that my boss was married with two children, we would have got married. Our feelings for each other runs very deep, a fact a lot his friends and mine are very much aware of.
I decided to marry my fiancé when I realised age wasn’t on my side. Difficult as the decision was, we both agreed it was the best. The mistake I made was in not disengaging from my employment.
But even if I wanted to, I needed the money to care for my family. My father was doing his best but it wasn’t just enough as my mother is one of those women who is hopeless at doing anything. She is one of those women satisfied with being a complete housewife.
Being the first of six children, I had no choice but to work to support my father who happens to be passionate about his children. Therefore, the money I was paid was very important not just for me but my entire family.
Because of the difficulties at home, I had done one or two things I am not proud of. Then I didn’t care about what people thought of me. I felt they had no right to judge me since they weren’t going through the things I was experiencing at home.
My father could enforce discipline as he would have loved to because not only was he always busy trying to make ends meet, the money I was bringing was also helping to reduce pressure on him, hence I grew a little too wild for my own good.
However, all that changed when my boss came into my life. He ensured I lacked nothing, hence I had no excuse to date several men at a time. He also gave me a huge some to settle my family in a good place and to open a shop close to the house where we sell foodstuff. My immediate younger brother manages that place in addition to going to school.
And when my fiancé almost refused to marry me because of my past, it was him who also came to my rescue. He told my boyfriend that what he heard were lies and also denied my ever being his girlfriend. To my fiancé, he is a family friend.
It was this sense of deep appreciation for the man who has done so much for me that made me sleep with him for the last time, a week to my wedding.
That same day I slept with fiancé. I didn’t think anything of it when I discovered I was pregnant or delivered my baby.
I also didn’t notice the baby’s striking semblance to my boss until my mother called me aside to ask whose baby my son is. I was very angry with her that I tongue lashed her. She didn’t say anything but told me quietly to make sure I kept the baby away from my boss.
My baby was a year old by December. My boss and his family were away on holidays. He, however, came with his eldest son to see us recently to wish the baby a happy birthday. When his son saw my baby, he commented on the semblance of the baby with his father and himself. Indeed when I looked at all three, there was no doubting the fact.
My mother-in-law who was present, heard and observed the whole incident must have told my husband whose attitude has not only changed towards me but also avoids carrying the baby. And last week, my worst fear was confirmed when he told me we would all be going to the hospital for some tests but providence intervened as he was called to go on a training programme outside the country for a month. Since leaving two days ago, he hasn’t called me expect to inform me through his mother that he got there safely.
Agatha, please help me because I didn’t deliberately foist this baby on him. There was no way I would have taken such a risk, considering the kind of challenges I passed through to get to this stage with him.
What should I do? Tell him about what happened? Would he ever forgive me of lying to him about my relationship with my boss and would that not confirm I also lied about my past life?
Worried Wife.

From Agatha:

Dear Worried Wife,
It is useless crying over spilled milk. The harm has been done. You cannot turn back the hands of the clock. Therefore, you must brace up for the consequences of your thoughtless actions.
The confession of your past you refused to make before marrying your husband is what you are going to do now. Had you told him about your past life, this would have been easier for him to handle but getting pregnant for and having the baby of the man you presented as your family friend would make him wonder what other lies you have told him.
Don’t allow him face the embarrassment of being told by the doctor that this baby isn’t his. By then it would be too late for him to believe that you didn’t know about the paternity of the baby. Nothing would ever make him forgive you the offence of passing another man’s pregnancy off as his.
Even if his love is deep and sufficient enough for him to forgive you and accept the child as his, what about his mother? If she gets to know from the hospital that the baby isn’t her son’s, would she be able to forgive you as well?
Whatever the consequences that would follow your telling him the truth, please do not hesitate to tell him immediately he gets back from his course. You are already down, so why fear a fall?
Understandably, he would be devastated like you would be too if you were the one at the receiving end. Hearing your confession, fears as well as shame might make him have a change of mind in your favour.
At this critical stage there is nothing more to hide. Tell him the story of your life page by page, holding nothing back from him. Equip him with your personal data to make up his mind about you and if necessary, the space to properly think and make an objective choice.
Since the life of an innocent child is involved, you must help provide him alternatives. For instance, even if he is going to adopt the child as his, what about the biological father of the child? Is he aware that the baby is his? From your interactions with him, is he the kind that would some day in future damn all consequences and demand for his child? Does he love you enough to let the past be?
I ask these questions because whatever you and your husband decide to do would depend on his proposed line of action. For some men, when it comes to the issue of their children, they are very definite.
Even though you would at the end of the day suffer the most from the decisions the two men make, don’t interfere in this at all. Always put the interest of that child first because at the end of the day, that boy maybe all that you have left.
So, do what is right for all of you by also going to your boss to tell him of your suspicions about the paternity of the boy. Let him understand that your telling him is merely to inform him and not intended to cause problems in his home or yours. Assure him that even if your husband decides to end the marriage, you will still not bother him about up keep of the baby. This is important because he too may think you deliberately got pregnant for him to ensure you keep getting money from him later in life.
So, be careful what you do today. Learn from your past, that some issues have a way of showing up when least expected.
While you wait for him to come back, turn to God by first confessing your sins and begging him through prayers to grant you the wisdom and favour to sail through this with the most minimal emotional injuries.
Good luck.

My brother-in-law’s hard moves to see my pants…

With Auntie Agatha: gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: +234 8054500626

Dear Agatha,

I am 17, waiting for admission into a university of my choice. Last year, my sister invited me over to stay with her because of her baby. I was glad to be of help, because she and I had always been very close. I missed her so much when she relocated to Asaba with her husband. Besides, it also afforded me the opportunity of living life outside my parents’ home and away from their monitoring.

What I thought was going to be fun turned into a living nightmare some months after my arrival in Asaba. Initially I enjoyed the experience of tending to the little baby, looking after my sister and caring for her home. Being the last child of the family, I didn’t have any baby to look after at home neither did I have much housework to do since my elder siblings all dotted on me, tagging me baby and never allowing me to do any serious work at home.
It was against this background that I welcomed and looked forward to going to stay with my sister. Exactly three months after I arrival, my brother-in-law started behaving very funny. He would come home when my sister is not at home, call me into their bedroom either to make the bed or help him remove his shoes.

Although my sister didn’t allow me wash her under-wears and those of her husband, her husband would insist I wash them when she is not around. I didn’t mind, but began to wonder what his agenda was when he would insist I should not tell my sister. I didn’t know how he explains the clean under-wears to my sister and I didn’t ask.