Night or day, when is sex most ideal?

Written by Funmi Akingbade -PUNCH, Nigeria

One of the major bones of contention between married lovers is the timing for sex. It appears there is never a bad time to have sex, be it in the morning, afternoon or night, and being one of the most pleasurable activities in marriage, the truth is sex has no definite time or venue before it can be enjoyed. Why is it that men want sex and are ready to go for it first thing in the morning while women often want to get in the mood late in the evening? However findings by some scientists have shown that men want it more in the morning, while women want it at night. The researchers attributed men's early morning desire to two things, their hormones and because sex could make their day better.

It is no news that normal sexually functional man usually wakes in the morning with an erection, (if by the age of 12 upwards, you do not experience morning erection, you need to call in for immediate natural cure) feeling passionate, which is occasioned by the testosterone hormone in their body, and since a hard-on is also instrumental to sex, that pleasurable act may just most times be lurking in their thoughts.

The study noted that a man's level of sex hormones is at the highest when he wakes up while a woman's is at the lowest. Notably, higher testosterone levels equal higher sex drive. Even though both men and women have testosterone, it is more present in men, known as the sex drive or male sex hormone. Even before a man opens his eyes in the morning, his level of testosterone is at its peak - between 25 per cent and 50 per cent, more than at any other time of the day. The pituitary gland in a man's brain which governs the production of the male sex hormone, has been switched on in the night and its levels have been rising steadily until dawn.

Hence, low testosterone levels among many other reasons can be linked to bad stress and a lack of sleep because good sleep boosts the level of the testosterone hormone in a man's body, which can often cause an erection and a tendency to make men more aggressive in pursuing sex. Women also make testosterone, but produce a fraction of the amount and it rises by only a tiny bit overnight, and it is also kept in balance by oestrogen and progesterone. Men only need a normal amount of testosterone to feel like having sex, and the raised levels in the morning means most men will wake with erections, which informs part of the reasons they want sex in the morning. Studies found that the longer, sweeter and deeper a man has slept, the higher his testosterone levels and getting more than five hours' sleep can raise the hormone levels by an extra 15 per cent. The male and female testosterone levels are at their highest at opposite ends of the day, so they are out of synch. While the hormones secreted during men's sleep at night trigger their sex-in-the-morning disposition, it takes more than hormones for women to be in the mood for sex, rather a woman's testosterone levels are likely to increase on the anticipation of sex with her husband.

Q &A: My boss' husband wants to sleep with me

Q&A with Kemi

Written by Kemi Ashefon - Nigeria

Dear Kemi,

Married but in love with an old flame

I am working with a woman and her husband wants to have sex with me. I'm afraid. I have told him that it's not right and that if he tries it again, I would tell her. But he still does it by touching me. He has promised me heaven and earth if I keep my mouth shut and not allow his wife suspect what is going on. What do I do? I am staying in their house and the wife is very kind to me and I also love her daughter.

E.M,

Lagos.

Let the man know that you are ready to tell his wife if he dares touch you again. You should not allow any opportunity for him to touch you-never be with him alone. Such a man is irresponsible and could even rape you if nobody is around. If I were you, I would take some part of my salary to rent a room somewhere. I am sure that as long as you remain in his house, he will continue touching you and you would keep mum. If you don't want to betray your boss, move out.

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His ex-lover threatens me

I am 23 years old and two men are in love with me. I met the first guy while having a programme in my school and we have been on for a year now. The problem started when his former girlfriend, who has a son for him called and instructed me never to be seen with her man again. I told her she was his past and he loves me more than her. But I don't want to deny her son his father's love because I know what it feels like to be without a father. I met the second man at work and he is crazy about me. I love these men and they are both promising me marriage. What do I do?

N.N,

Abuja.

The choice of a life partner starts first with God and then, you. Which of them do you think would make you happy? Who do you feel at ease with when you think of a home, children and your future? Have you really prayed about this because we cannot erase the God factor in making such a choice? Except you are deceiving yourself, you know which of the men to choose but if you are still confused, talk to your mum.

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Does vagina ever stop working?

Written by Funmi Akingbade - Punch, Nigeria

A newly wed husband sent me a 'God bless you' greeting while still in his honeymoon. He and his wife were for months my students at the coaching programme for intending couples (this is a free coaching scheme for intending couples organised to help train amateur singles for better sex in marriage) before their marriage.

According to him, he had such a speechless, wonderful swell time during his honeymoon. In one word, sex was lovely. Then, his next statement surprised me, 'Madam, does vagina ever stop working; does it ever pack up? If it does, I am finished.'

Finished? But what could have warranted such a statement, I asked. He replied thus, "If anything goes wrong with my wife's vagina, I may not be able to cope in the marriage. Our sexual experience is just so thrilling; I don't want anything to go wrong. Sex is not only tasty but delicious and even if it is a dream, I don't want to wake up."

For the vagina to function perfectly, couples must understand that the normal vagina is a self-cleaning organ. It discharges which is a normal function of that process. This ensures that the vagina is in the right condition. Most women have some amount of clear or milky odourless discharge that will be noticeable on their underwear during their entire lifetime but some women produce more discharge than others. The colour and thickness of the discharge changes with a woman's monthly cycle. For instance, it is thicker after ovulation, when breastfeeding and when a woman is sexually excited. Vaginal discharge is generally heavier when ladies are younger and it becomes less as they age. In fact, many women will have dryness problems as they grow older, particularly during menopause. During pregnancy, vaginal discharge often increases.

For the vagina to be serviceable at all times, it is advisable to keep it from unbalanced environment and keep the vagina area clean and dry. This lessens the onset of infections. For instance, after using the toilet, wipe from front to back; never back to front. Wiping from back to front can bring bacteria from the anus into the vagina and urethra which can cause infection. Wear cotton panties during the day as this allows air to freely get to the vagina area. Avoid wearing tight pants for a long period especially because we are in the tropical region. Make sure that the laundry detergents are not the types that easily irritate the genital areas. Long period of soaking in the bathtub may change the environment of the vagina. Instead, shower-bathe often. It is better to avoid feminine hygiene sprays, coloured or perfumed toilet paper and deodorant pads. If you notice any discharge that appears unusual in colour or smelly, it is advisable to see your doctor, because vaginal health affects more than just the couple's sex life. It is an important part of a woman's overall health. Vaginal problems can affect fertility, desire for sex and ability to reach orgasm. It can also affect other areas of marriage and impacts a wife's self-confidence.

Falling for a man outside my wedlock…

With Auntie Agatha:
Email: gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com
Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

I’m 29 years old, married to a wonderful man. Ever since I met my husband I never cheated on him till we got married. I got married three months after getting a job in a corporate organization, and I’m still there.

I don’t know how it happened but one day I discovered I have fallen in love with one of my colleagues whom I have always been very close to.

Since discovering my feelings for him, I have kept the knowledge to myself, refusing to tell anybody. Yet I am always jealous of any woman I see close to him. So far I have been able to control my jealousy.

We exchange phone calls even though I do most of the callings. One Saturday I called him to inquire about his health. Later that day, I saw his missed call on my phone and tried returning his call but he didn’t pick my call immediately. When he eventually did, he said there was something he wanted to ask me but that he will do that on Monday when we see in the office. He eventually didn’t. So I made up my mind to call him after work to ask what he wanted to discuss with me.

I was very angry and made up my mind never to talk to him when he refused to pick my call. He eventually came back to talk to me. And when I got home I called to ask if I was in any way disturbing him. He said I wasn’t and demanded that we chat on our blackberry phones.

While we were chatting, he told me he desired a woman like me for a wife. I told him I didn’t have any friend I can recommend to him, I also added that I didn’t want any woman hurting him. He insisted I come clean with the truth; that he knows I can’t tolerate the thoughts of another woman in his life. Agatha, that is the truth. I love him and if there is another word stronger than love, it is what I feel for this man.

I was surprised he felt something for me; this made me to admit my feelings for him. He told me how much he loved and wanted me in his life. He invited me to his house I went and we played together but didn’t make love that night.

I felt like going back. I saw him twice after that because he is on his annual leave. But now he wants us to stop seeing each other. It is making me go crazy.

Agatha the whole world might want to stone me to death but I want to be sincere here what I feel for him. You cannot imagine it. I know he feels the same way but he doesn’t want to see me anymore, and he avoids me. I don’t want to have sex with him but just to be close to him like a soul mate. I respect the fact that I’m married and seeing another man is not good before man and God. But please all I want is to be close to him.

I’m in pain right now and I’m going crazy and feel like ending it all.

What should I do? I love him so much and nobody can change that, but this is killing me. I need help before I go crazy. Please all I want is to be close to him, the love has been there for long and I never felt that way for anyone before now. I know people will call me names but please I don’t want to lose him. I want him as friend, someone I can confide in. I want people to understand the way I feel. I am in love with my husband but not this way. Please I need your sincere help and very urgent too.

Worried Woman. 

Agatha Admonishes

Dear Worried Woman,

Infatuation is a very strong emotion, more compelling than love because it is blind to reason and logic. And like Tsunami it ends up leaving so much destruction in its wake.

You must fight this feeling, because if you were not careful, it would make you lose everything that matters to you in life: your husband, self-respect, the love of your family and your essence as a human being. It is not just what the world thinks of you but what you would do to yourself at the end of the day.

It isn’t just about saving your marriage but everything your parents have worked to make you as well as the little you contributed to your person. The fact that you are so confused and acting out of character portends danger to your sanity as a person. If you don’t develop the will power to put an end to this emotion, you might end up with a mental problem or very severe psychological situation that would make people keep their distance from you.

For your own sake, more than your marriage, resist whatever it is that you feel for this man. You have to let go of him, he isn’t yours, and will never be. What you feel isn’t real; it is strong quite all right but it is an illusion, an addiction you have allowed to develop uncontrollably. Like every case of addiction, the beginning looks promising, tempting and soothing but like cancer, it leaves the body hollow and yearning for escape from the pains of reality.

This guy has done the right thing by asking to end a relationship that should not have started in the first place. He is aware of the spiritual danger of sleeping with another man’s wife, hence his desire to stop whatever he has started with you.

It is in your interest to help yourself stop this feeling. There is nothing wrong in admiring a member of the opposite sex but what is wrong is to be irresponsible about it. How would you feel if your husband develops this strong feeling for another woman, to the extent of spending intimate moments with her even at night?

How would you sincerely feel if your husband is refusing to let go of the woman? No matter how much you love this man, think of your home and husband. You married him because you feel something very special for him. Don’t you think it is so unfair to him, the vows you publicly took to honour, love and cherish him till death separates you both?

Have you considered the possibility of your husband finding out about your relationship with this man and you getting pregnant at about the same time? Do you think your husband would ever accept responsibility of the child or believe you haven’t slept with this man? What do you think would become of the child born into such a controversy? Do you think your own child would ever forgive or respect you if told about what you did?

The best way out of this is to take a break. Go on your annual leave to detoxify your emotional system. You need to put a distance between you and this man. If you and your husband can manage it, it is advisable for both of you to take your vacation together. His presence would help you overcome your addiction to this other man.

Furthermore, you need his warmth, love and assurance to heal you. The vacation would help you catch up with reality; point you at the things that are of utmost importance to you as well as give you confidence in the choice you have made.

By learning to fall in love with your husband again, you open the way for healing in your marriage.

Another thing is to delete his number from your phone. It is also imperative you do to avoid your husband chancing on text messages you have both exchanged as well as stop that urge of calling him.

Replace his memories with ones of your husband, your early meeting, the day you both agreed to marry, your wedding day and other special moments you have had. Think of the plans, your plans together, his trust and confidence in you. Importantly, recall the reason you agreed to marry him among all the men that came your way. He must have something extra special for you to have agreed to his proposal out of the several that came your way.

If you know it is impossible for you to completely forget, consider changing employers. It may take a while for you to find somewhere else but life is about sacrifices, and your marriage is the most vital to you now.

There is no way you can be friends now with this man, there is too much at stake. Perhaps in later years, when you are matured enough to handle yourself better, definitely not now. You lack the discipline to have him for a friend now. Make your husband your best friend.

Do ask God for strength to resist the temptation this other man represents.

Good luck.

My yellowish teeth call for dentist now…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

My problem started when I was young when my white teeth started changing to yellow. I thought it was a joke but I got it wrong.

Now I can’t look at it in the mirror because of the state of my dentition. I am really confused.

I am very handsome and have a very lovely girlfriend. I have gone to see a dentist and he told me the only solution is bleaching of my teeth and he doesn’t have the products. I live and work in Delta State and dying gradually of depression. I need your help Agatha. Help me with contacts and solution. I shall forever be grateful to you.

CY

From Agatha:

Dear CY,

If your challenge is that of just yellow teeth and not that you have mouth odour, I am told it isn’t a serious medical condition. Although not too pleasant a sight, but you will require some level of personal confidence to manage this problem without allowing it to affect you psychologically. The moment you give people around you a reason to make you feel inferior, they will do everything and anything to ensure you never recover your dignity again; so be careful the kind of reaction you put up. Irrespective of what the colour of your teeth is, learn to build your confidence. This is important.

I am told that though nature sometime is the cause of yellow teeth but we are mostly to blame for the problem. Dentin is the layer just below the tooth’s enamel, and it has a natural yellow hue. When a person’s tooth enamel isn’t well mineralised, that is lacks the essential nutrients; the enamel becomes translucent and the yellow of the dentin shows through. This condition can often be corrected by advanced whitening techniques, which your dentist alluded to.

If your problem started when you were young, according to the dentist I spoke with on your behalf, it could be you were given large amounts of anti-biotic known as tetracycline during the period your enamel was still forming. This anti-biotic commonly used by parents to treat stomach upsets and other irritations, can cause the teeth to become yellowish brownish or grayish. It can become permanent like yours.

She continues that as people get older, teeth can become yellow from years and years of stains piercing the enamel which overtime gets thinner, allowing more of the dentin to show through and creating a yellow appearance.

Also if as a child or an adult one failed to pay the right attention to your oral hygiene, brushing regularly to rid the teeth of strains on the surface of the teeth, yellow teeth could result. And unfortunately once the enamel has been strained, it becomes a permanent condition.

Certain foods we eat can permanently stain the teeth overtime. Coffee is one of the main culprits of yellow, stained teeth. Smokers too are liable to having yellow teeth. Cigarettes contain chemicals that leave large amount of residue on smoker’s teeth. Nicotine and tar cause the worst staining. Cigarettes that have high amounts of tar and nicotine will leave teeth yellow. Some of the herbal local brews, a lot of people are taking these days, also cause the teeth to change colour because of the roots they are made from. The dyes of some of these roots can be very stubborn and almost impossible to remove from the teeth.

It is a matter of you knowing what kinds of food or drink to avoid because even if you chemically clean your teeth, you continue in your old way, overtime the teeth would still change colour.

In addition to improving your personal hygiene by brushing your teeth at least twice daily, go back to your dentist. He is in the best position to make the right recommendations for you. Let him tell you the kind of chemicals he uses to bleach the teeth back to white. If you are not satisfied you can get a second opinion from any government hospital or qualified dentist in the area you stay.

If you are not sure how to proceed, go to the general hospital nearest to you. The medical team you meet there will direct you on whom to meet.

On your own, I am told, chewing sugarless gum between brushings can also help ward off yellow teeth. Using whitening strips several times a year is a good preventive measure. Since I don’t stay in Delta State, I don’t know if there is any highbrow hospital that has a modern dentistry. If there is, and the state of your dentition too embarrassing for you to handle, you may want to consider laser bleaching. I am told it is still very expensive here.

There are also less expensive but effective chemical preparations you could try. Befriend your dentist and listen to whatever he tells you. What you need is the patience to follow through with whatever professional advice he gives you.

Good luck.

My mum frowns at my plan to marry widower

Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

I have been in a relationship for the past three years. Recently, my boyfriend came to our house for introduction. He was welcomed by my father but my mother refused to give her blessing because he is a widower.

My mother doesn’t want me to marry a widower. Agatha, I love this man so much and he loves me too. He is so caring and considerate, remains ever attentive to my needs. What should I do since my mother hates the man I love so much?

Worried lady.

From Agatha:

Dear Worried Lady,

What do you want to do? Ditch him because your mother doesn’t agree with your choice of a widower for a husband?

Unless there is another reason other than the one your mother is advertising as her reason, please go ahead with this man. The dream of everywoman including your mother is to have a man who is caring, considerate and attentive to her needs. If she suspects him of killing his wife, she should say so rather than denying both of you the opportunity of a lifetime of happiness together.

Your life is the issue not your mother’s, who is already happy in her husband’s life. Although she is your mother but when it comes to the issue of being happy too in a man’s house, you should be more assertive unless of course you are not convinced about the choice of man you have beside you.

What your mother is trying to do here is to stigmatise this man because he is a widower. It couldn’t have been his desire to have his wife die at the time she did.

At any rate, if the wife didn’t die, you won’t have been free to love him the way you do. He has every right to be happy all over again. Death of a spouse can come at anytime. The fact that a spouse died doesn’t mean the living spouse should not attempt happiness again.

Rather than worrying about what your mother thinks of his status, why not concentrate on finding out more about the man you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with? You are the one wearing this shoe hence must be very comfortable with its fitting. If you truly love this man, whatever your mother is saying won’t bother you especially as your father, the head of your family unit, has accepted him.

This is the angle of worry. How much do you love this man? Are you sure your love for him is enough to withstand your mother’s position? The worry here is, if your love isn’t tough enough, you may find yourself doing your mother’s bidding and end up hurting this man again who has summoned the courage to be happy again. If you leave or hurt him, you will be doing more harm to him than the death of his first wife did.

It will bring back all the memories of that past he wants to move away from by offering to share his life with you. It couldn’t have been easy for him to want to try again, not knowing what the future holds for him with you. The heart of this man is tender, hence the need to treat him with care, respect and love.

You cannot afford to treat him the way you would hurt a man who hasn’t suffered the pains of bereavement of a spouse or a cherished girlfriend before. A lot of considerations went into his choice of you; the reason you should also be very definite about him. However, you still have to keep trying to market him to your mother. You know your mother more than anybody. As her child, you know what key to turn to bring out the endless love of that mother in her. You know the expression that always got you off her hook, what to do to soften her. Use all the tools you used as a child; trust me they still work wonders because no matter how old you are, you still remain her child.

Chances are she is simply paranoid; worried that something in his life could be the reason his first wife died.

Get her to see into your heart that this is one man you are very comfortable with, one you know would give you everlasting happiness.

Assure her your life is in the hands of God and that this is the one event in your life that you have the power to decide. Don’t be rude to her; it will only complicate her acceptance of your man. Endure her opposition with dignity and understanding of her position.

Overtime, the nature of the man shall erase whatever misgiving she has about him but until then, allow her be.

Good luck.

Can marriage turn my finance around?

With Auntie Agatha: gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

I am the first in our family and would be 36 in June. I am seriously bothered by my single status. Most of my friends, age mates and even younger brothers and cousins are all married. It’s so embarrassing as my younger brother will soon be a father.
Can marriage turn my finance around? 
My father has tried all he could to get me a wife but I always remain uncooperative. My attitude is due to finance. Business has not been good for sometime and I know I need a steady flow of income for me to start contemplating marriage. Many of my friends are saying that I am too averse to risk. They said that marriage is a risk worth taking and that God would provide since he ordained the first marriage in the Bible.
Agatha, is it true that some ladies bring good luck to some men after marriage? I need your reply urgently.
Worried Bachelor. 

Agatha responds:
Dear Worried Bachelor,
And what if the business doesn’t pick up immediately, would you wait indefinitely?
There is nothing that is risk free in life. We are daily forced by the dynamics of life to make choices at every turn in life. Life itself is risky. The choice a baby makes from the labour room to stay alive is one of the greatest risks we make. Those babies who die at birth are those who just refuse to take a chance on this world; who didn’t want to take any risk at all.
The more we stay, the higher the 'demurrage' we pay for the risks we took at birth. Therefore, there is no risk we take in life that doesn’t have a compensation tied to it at the end of the day.
If we refuse to take a risk because we are afraid of the consequences of doing so, we pay the price of stagnation because we have given in to the command of fear.
There is nothing to marriage. It is as simple as breathing. Its complications come from the choice of a partner we make and not from the process of marriage itself.
Once a man or woman gets to the adult age of marriage, if not married, it becomes a real challenge to him or her.
Money isn’t all for a man to have a good marriage. Granted, it is a necessity but it doesn’t guarantee the success of a marriage. More than money, you need a woman who is full of understanding, caring, and patience, who is equally industrious, selfless, respectful, and appreciative to make a marriage work.
Rather than wait until you have the money, begin from the basic, look for the woman first. Marriages, these days, are the responsibilities of the couple, not just the man alone. A lot of wedding ceremonies are, these days, funded by both the man and the woman, sometimes more by the woman if her man isn’t in the best financial position to do anything. Let the woman decide that you don’t have enough money to keep her in your house, let the woman decide how much money she would need before she can make you a good wife and provide the support base you need from her.
Let the woman define what financial comfort means to her. It is not your place as the man to defeat yourself by pointing at your financial inability. If you are unable to boost your confidence how will a woman do that for you?
If you keep giving the excuse of finance, it means you are not really ready to venture into matrimony at all because from what I know of a lot of couples, only few ever have enough money in the bank when they decided to marry.
A lot of them today have more than they started out with because through the decision to marry, they unlock the key of success attached to matrimony by God.
Every marriage has its key of success. The moment a man or woman goes into matrimony, the God of sustenance steps in to offer sustainability to the couple. There may not be enough money for everything but the money needed to go from one day to the other never ceases to come in for those who know and have faith in God. This is the spiritual aspect of marriage. Because two people are now praying together, marriage attracts the presence of God to make it work at all cost. By the act of marriage a couple is reminding God of His reason and covenant for creating that institution, hence His provision when called upon.
In practical terms, two are better than one. When a man and woman combine their resources, wisdom, dreams and commitment, things are bound to work faster and better than coming from one person.
Once a man is married to his soul mate, the one ordained for him by God, things are bound to work well for the man. The problem is usually that of not waiting to hear from God before deciding on the choice of a woman for wife.
Remember a man who finds a good wife has found everything good. Look for that good woman first and every thing would follow.
Good luck.

Before her poor sense of grammar knocks me off…

With Auntie Agatha: gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,
I have been dating since 2009 a National Certificate of Education (NCE) final year student of Alvan Ikoku College of Education, Owerri, whom I met near my residence. She is an epitome of feminine charms and values.
My spirit is for her. There is commitment, intimacy and passion in our relationship. We love each other. She is the kind of person I would want as a wife.
However, the only snag is the academic gap between us. I am a Lawyer and a Law Officer in the Ministry of Justice, State Counsel and just obtained my Masters degree in Law (LL.M). She lacks confidence in expressing herself in the English Language.
She isn’t fluent and often makes grammatical errors on the few occasions that she spoke in English. On several occasions while we are alone, I gently and politely attempt to gradually instill confidence in her as well as teach her how to speak English but she always protests and objects owing to assumed embarrassment. I had to stop.
Recently, she told me that a prospective suitor, a Lagos-based medical practitioner, has brought drinks for introduction in accordance with tradition for her hand in marriage. This happened in January.
He intends to pay the bride price this Easter. He calls her but she doesn’t take his calls in my presence. At times, she requests me to take the calls, but I have always declined as I consider it unethical. The fact is, she met this doctor last October. Actually, the man’s mother arranged the meeting. According to my girl, the man didn’t disclose or discuss anything with her and that she didn’t even have any inkling that he was going to bring drinks to ask for her hand in marriage. She was taken unawares and cried on that day.
In order not to embarrass the man and her own family, she consented, but she barely knows this man. She lives and schools in Owerri while the man works in Lagos but they are from the same local government area. I have told her to secure admission into a university in the next academic session for better and quality education. I will engage and marry her next year. She is about 22 years of age and utterly confused and disoriented. It is clear to me that she loves me. We are afraid that we can’t let go of each other. Her trust and loyalty is torn between the doctor and I.
For now, I don’t intend to date the lady I met last January until this lady and I sought out our differences. We cry each time we are together because we are about to lose each other. We live close to each other.
Please, Agatha, what do we do? We urgently need your advice.
Jude. 

Agatha counsels:
Dear Jude,
If your relationship with this lady is facing threat from another man, it is because you failed to appreciate what you have. In addition, you got arrogant by your so-called qualification to have the time to consider the uniqueness of this girl.
What you failed to see in her another woman, who appreciates the qualities of this lady, saw in her and promptly recommended her to her son. While you were busy getting embarrassed by her inability to speak the kind of English you want in your woman, another man agreed to pay her bride price despite this flaw, which you have magnified as a major problem for you.
Deep down, you are not in love with her as you claim to be. If you have been dating her since 2009 and haven’t found any compelling reason to make it official, what makes you think she now has all the qualities you want in a woman? What gives you the impression that you can now cope with her academic limitations when you never seem to? This is more about this lady than you. Doubtless she loves you and from her reactions desire to spend the rest of her life with you. But it is doubtful if you have the same kind of feelings for her. If you won’t dump her when she needs you the most for someone you consider better qualified academically for you.
While the doctor suitor knows that paper qualification isn’t what makes a good wife, you on the other hand must come up with your own definition of what makes a good wife to you. Until you realize what is important in a wife, you will always face this challenge.
You must be able to draw a fine line between what is practicable and what is not. That a woman is a stark illiterate doesn’t make her short on the qualities that make a good wife. 

The qualification a woman needs to execute and discharge her responsibilities as a mother, wife, as well as efficient home keeper, is very different from the one she would need in her place of work. The two are not related at all. If you want to have a happy home, you must learn to make a clear distinction between these two qualifications.


A lot of time, what we think we want may not be what we need to be happy. Only the wise knows that often than not, our needs end up being better than what we think we want.
You must do the reconciliation between what you think you want in this lady or any other lady for that matter and the kind of woman you need in your life to be a very happy and contented man in life.
Sincerely, you have to go to God for help in making you come to this realization. With what you have said so far, you need to do this urgently before another man takes away from you the one woman that may be the one who turns out to matter to you the most in your life. 

Life doesn’t wait for anybody. It simply moves on to other things. Only the fortunate ever get a second chance to be happy and from experience once a man or woman loses that special person, it takes the extraordinary grace of God to get that kind of connection again in life.
Before it is too late, ask yourself this important question: would you ever get in one package the completeness of what you want in life? 
This is why manufacturers of goods are always coming up with new improved packages. As human beings, we are constantly going through metamorphosis through the help and patience of others. Our manual comes with warning about our imperfection. Hers is her inability to speak the kind of English that befits your status as state counsel even if she scores very high in the area of the raw materials you need as a man in a woman you want as your wife.
What she has is not a defect but the limit her brain can take for now. With time, if you really love her, she would improve sufficiently not to get you embarrassed.
Honestly, I would advise the girl to opt for the man whose love for her is unconditional; who is proud of her irrespective of her flaw; who appreciates her uniqueness as a woman and knows her worth as a woman. I would tell her to opt for certainty, which the other man offers her, as opposed to the uncertainty you represent.
Like I said, it is not about her but about what you want. You have it within your powers to stop the other man from getting the heart of the woman you love by doing the right thing. Nobody can help you develop the kind of pride that makes a man turn his back to any flaw in his woman. If you are not proud of whom she is, there is nothing any counsellor or I can do for you.
You must appreciate that the qualification a woman needs to be a wife is the qualification the school of life offers her. No matter how impressive a woman’s formal educational qualification may be, if the school of life scores her a failure on the important things of life, she would never have the intelligence, patience, wisdom, tolerance, respect, humility, fear of God and maturity to run her home successfully. When a woman is humble and patience, she has the best of everything to make her man happy.
These are qualifications a wise man looks out for in a woman he wants to marry which the doctor must have found in this girl to beat you to making formal his interest in her.
Ask for the grace of God to urgently help open your mind to what is important in life, to what you really need and not want.
Good luck.

Hard to tell him I had a child before…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626 

Debby writes Agatha:
Dear Agatha,
I have been dating this man for seven months. He has even proposed marriage to me and I have accepted.
But there is a huge problem. I don’t know how to tell him about my past that I have a child from a previous relationship. I am scared I may lose him if he finds out.
Agatha, please help me because I don’t know how to go about it.
Debby. 

 Agatha advices:
Dear Debby,
Try putting yourself in the shoes of this man; how would you feel if after seven months of being together, you are just finding out that he has kept the vital information about a child from you?
Would you be able to trust him again? It isn’t just that you kept the information from him that would bother him but the issue of trust in its entirety that has been mortgaged by your refusal to tell him at the very wee hours of your first meeting.
The major question is why did you not tell him at the beginning about this child? This is going to his take when you finally tell him about this child?
Is it just fear that you would lose him or that you were desperate to have him and didn’t want anything that would drive him away from you? Could it be also that you weren’t too sure about his love for you or that you were too ashamed of your past to let him in?
Your refusal also calls to question the place of that child in your life. If this man of yours is a deep person, this might make him wonder at the kind of mother you are. No mother, no matter the consequences, denies her child even if it is one second.
Could it also be you deliberately kept the information from him till you are sure you have him where it would be difficult for him to back out?
These are questions you must quickly answer within yourself if you hope to convince him of your true intentions at not telling him from the onset.
In addition, whatever your reason is, be very honest with it since that is the only way you can defend whatever reason informed your not telling him initially.
Marshall your points very well before confronting him with the truth, the issue has gone beyond you having a child from a previous relationship to the twin issue of you keeping such vital information away from him and the credibility of your person.
Rather than deal with you having a child for another man, he has to convince himself that you don’t have any more unpleasant skeleton in your cupboard, persuade himself that his initial guts, feelings about you, are still right as well as overcome his sense of hurt at your attitude.
Whatever thinking you have to do, ensure it is done quickly to prevent someone else telling him about your child before you have the chance to tell him yourself. You can bet if some 'busybodies' give him the information before you do, it won’t be easy getting him to listen to you.
The best way to handle it at this stage is to first beg him on your knees for forgiveness. Make him understand that your reason was induced by fear of what his reactions would if he got to know when you first met that you are a mother of one.
Whatever his reactions are, don’t stop until you tell him the whole story of what happened between you and the father of your child. Tell him where the child is, your role in the life of the child as well as your current relationship with the father. He would definitely be interested in knowing this.
Continue by letting him know that you would understand if he decides to leave you as a result of what you had done but that he would make you the happiest woman on earth if he finds it in his heart to forgive you.
Don’t expect him to just gloss over the issue, he would need time to properly assimilate it and decide on it. Don’t forget that he also has the challenge of telling his parents and friends that his wife to be already has a child.
He has to first convince himself that irrespective of what may have happened in your past, you are the woman for him.
No matter the temptation, don’t attempt to hurry him into a decision. Let it come from his heart else you risk losing him to disappointments. You must let him learn to trust you again because you are now a total stranger to him based on what you held back from him.
One thing you can be sure of, if God has ordered the two of you to be together, he would eventually find a place in his heart to forgive you.
Good luck.

She’s all I want as wife but her beauty…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626

Troubled Mic writes Agatha:
Dear Agatha,
I’m a guy of 21 years and there’s this girl, 22, I know she likes me so much and has never shied away from letting me know about this.
Although she has everything I would like in a wife but she is not very beautiful. My desire is to marry a woman who is beautiful. I fear I may break her heart on account of this flaw in her. I am anxious because I have this principle that a man should date only the woman he can marry. What do you think?
Troubled Mic. 

Agatha admonishes:
Dear Troubled Mic,
At 21, you still have a lot of growing up to do in terms of emotional maturity to appreciate life the more. You are yet to get to that point in life when you would need to consider more than the look of a woman to make the right choice.
As you gather experiences in matters of the heart, you will discover that it takes more than the physical appearance of a person to give happiness. The essence of a human being isn’t in how the person looks but in how the person behaves.
Yes, it is advisable and the best policy not to date anyone you cannot get married to, this can only achieve the right results if you scale down on the physical beauty of the person.
Relationship and marriage unlike beauty pageants isn’t fueled by the physical advantages rather it is framed around who that person is. Who a person goes a long way in defining how much happiness, peace and support that person is capable of giving to another person.
A person could have a very pleasant look on the outside but a real terror at home. As a young man just starting out, it is important you learn to place your priorities to avoid the mistake a lot of men before you made and they are biting their fingers for it today.
What should concern you now is how to be this lady’s friend; create an opportunity to know if you both have what it takes to move on. It is also necessary to sound a note of warning here that you get your visions right.
In doing this, you must have a fair idea of where you are headed in the next 10 years from now. This would help you factor in the kind of woman you need to support your dream to reality; point you at the quality of the kind of temperament your woman must have at all times as well as the kind of strength she must have especially if you won’t always be around in the early years. If your vision is to build a successful business, you will need a woman who can function on her own without worrying you about little things such as electricity or minor medical bills. You will need a woman who can manage what she has without nagging you for more. Every man needs a woman who is patient to support his dream to maturity as well as who has the magic to transform a house to a home.
These are not achieved by looks but by dedication to her man and appreciation of her position as the woman in his life. The realization that she is in his life to help him fulfill his mission on earth is what a man needs to help him move to the next level.
Every man needs the motivation provided by the support of his wife to make the difference in life. A woman who is only interested in her looks and not the character of her home will at the end of the day be a huge disappointment not only to her husband but her children too. Men may be the head of the home but the woman is the pillar that holds everything together. She therefore has to be strong to do this job successfully.
This is where the inner beauty comes into play. This is what gives the physical look its character, its skeleton of support. Every beautiful facade must have the right kind of inner support to remain indelible.
Your girlfriend may not be as beautiful as you want your woman to be but that doesn’t mean she isn’t a beautiful person within her. You can only get to know how beautiful she really is if you get close to her.
Have an open mind about her. That you are friends with her doesn’t mean you are walking down the aisle immediately. Sail the boat of friendship; this isn’t complicating at all. Take each day as it comes, don’t make promises you may find difficult to keep until you are sure of the person behind the mask.
A little step at a time helps stabilize so many things.

Sexual inexperience is killing my marriage

With Agatha Edo
 Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com , gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com
Tel: 08054500626

Frank writes Agatha:

Dear Agatha,

Kindly tell my wife and I what to do to improve our sex life. As a man, my organ is small and my performance cannot last more than five minutes. My wife, on the other hand, is near frigid. She doesn’t contribute a thing to our lovemaking. She leaves the entire job to me.

Our marriage is two years old. I am already thinking our marriage is a mistake. This isn’t what I envisaged when I got married.

Although we both got married as virgins, I believe that lovemaking should be more fun than it currently is between my wife and I.

Deep inside me I feel something is missing in our marriage. I am seriously itching to know what it is.

Please help me.

Frank.

Agatha's Counsel:

Dear Frank,

Doubtless, sex is fundamental in every marriage. No marriage is able to survive the rigours of two strangers living under the same roof without quality sex.

Your problem is not just about the size of your organ as a man but that of you two, knowing what to do with your bodies. More often than not, size is not as important as knowing the techniques that help a man satisfy his woman as well as his own desires. Size has always been a problem for men. It is either it is too small or too large. For most women, it is a matter of making do with what is available and not a matter of having the perfect fit.

The key to a happy relationship is for you and your wife to be happy with what God has given both of you. You must learn to be proud of what you have if you want her to be comfortable with it. The moment you begin to exhibit inferiority complex about what size you were given, it won’t be you itching to go out for excitement; she would be the one complaining of lack of satisfaction and a thirst to experiment outside. This is why you should learn to manage your situation as a man.

Since she has no record of previous performance to compare with yours, you just have to stop complaining and look for positive ways of ensuring you and her enjoy the liberty of your age and status as a married couple.

As a man, it is your duty to teach your woman how to please you and not the other way round especially as you are her first and only lover. If she is dormant, it is because you haven’t given a reason to be active. It is also a reflection of your knowledge of the game as well as your inability to bring out the woman in her.

More often than not, when a man complains about the failure of his woman to satisfy him in bed, he is unwittingly complaining of his inability to carry his woman along. To make a woman happy in the bedroom, the man must have an understanding of what the woman wants. He must also have a liberal mind, one that would help him give the woman the kind of support to freely express herself.

Frankly, your size isn’t the issue here. Before the advent of plastic surgeries, a lot of men have had to cope with whatever size their packages come in. What you need is a fair knowledge of what lovemaking is all about. You must understand the simple fact that a complete package has different components that help a couple achieve premium satisfaction and each of these are added value to the real thing. The fingers are very explosive tool that can do up to 90 percent of the work before the real thing happens. Just like the fingers, the tongue too does a great job in the rating of the overall performance.

The things here are the willingness of the couple to let go of foundational beliefs as well as the spirit of adventure to explore each other’s bodies.

To help increase your time and by implication your performance, rely more on the use of your fingers and tongue. By the time you are ready for the real thing, your woman would be ready to peak which means both of you would be reaching that point at about the same time.

Because she has been properly stimulated, she won’t even notice if you are pint-sized or not. All that would matter to her at that point is for you to complete the little job left that your hands and tongue have almost finished.

Quality lovemaking requires time, devotion as well as a spirit of adventure. If you and your wife refuse to leave whatever beliefs you came with into your marriage behind, both of you will continue to suffer deprivation in the area that matters most in marriage.

Even if you go outside your marriage, at the end of the day, it still won’t resolve the issue of lovemaking between you and your wife until you overhaul your attitude entirely. It must be done with sincerity as well as the fear of God. To do otherwise is to break up your marriage.

To help get you and your wife out of this situation, you both have to sit down to discuss the value of your intimacy in your union. In discussing this, both of you must come to the meeting with the clear understanding that it is not dirty and forbidden for married couples to enjoy sex. You must understand that it is the right of a married couple to introduce dimension that would help them appreciate the essence of this special gift from God.

Importantly, as human beings, we are given the liberty by the power of our imagination to interpret it to suit our moods and demands.

Once you both are able to appreciate that there is nothing sinful for a married couple to enjoy their intimacy, it becomes easier for other dimensions of the game to be introduced and discussed. It also helps in drawing out the importance of sex to a married couple. With this comes a realisation that sex can be used as an effective communication tool between a couple as well as a good barometer to gauge when extraneous matters creep into it.

Sit her down to discuss her fears, disappointments, pains, wishes and expectations. Every woman has a secret wish. Despite marrying as a virgin, she must have nursed an idea of how she would want her sex life with her man structured.

This is something you should find out. It would help you find out what appeals to her as well as what you should do to draw her out of her shell. Once she is able to come out of her shell, your efforts would be made easier. The reason for the discussion is to build a new life together, to share each other’s dream as well as agree on what is achievable in all the options available.

There is also the need for you both to help your knowledge by watching adult films and reading up literature that would help both of you get your rhythm right.

Always have it at the back of your mind that there is no better woman out there than your wife and that you can help her be an expert like any mistress.

Good luck.