Research: To enjoy long life, stop having sex! - Scientists

~Punch Nigeria. Thursday, February 16, 2017.



Scientists have suggested that they have finally found a recipe for long life:total abstinence from sex!

The University of Sheffield researchers rest their findings on the belief that nuns - who are believed to stay away from sex completely - tend to live longer.

Refraining from having sex will help you live longer than all your peers, the study found.

The scientists discovered that mealworm beetles live for longer if they avoid mating; while those who tried to produce offspring each day passed away at a much younger age.

Mating was found to release a hormone in the insects needed to produce sperm in a male or eggs in a female. But this was also found to have a negative effect on their immune system, the researchers found.

This makes them vulnerable to potentially deadly infections, as their body’s natural ability to fight rogue bacteria is compromised.

Though the mechanism is not necessarily the same in humans, study author, Dr. Michael Siva-Jothey, believes the principle can be applied.

He said: "Nuns tend to have a longer lifespan than women with children; and most people know of someone with a maiden (unmarried) aunt who seems to live forever.

"The question is, why? The beetles which mate die sooner than the beetles which don’t mate."

Humans also have weaker immune systems during sex, which explains how STIs can be easily spread, he added.

Nuns, priests, vicars and monks are known to live longer than others - but not for their religious protection.

It is believed that their low rates of high blood pressure - which increases the risk of heart disease and stroke - are responsible.

It's none of his business the number of partners you've 'had'!

Candida by Okogba
~Vanguard Nigeria. Sunday, February 12, 2017.

A young friend of mine recently met the man of her dreams. In the whirlwind courtship that followed, they quickly got round to the conversational games that lovers play. And so it was that Mr. Right asked Miss Right; "How many men have you slept with? The sensible girl immediately reversed the question, to which 'he answered '13'. She then replied with a circumspect '10'.

"How many is it really?" I asked excitedly. `Somewhere between a hundred and a hundred and ten', she said, not batting.an eye lid. "So why did she say 10?" ` I just thought that whatever he said, mine should be less'. How brutally honest can you get? 100 to 110 guys in how many years?!

This little story got me thinking what most latter day emotional, Shylock Holmes, think they are letting themselves in for when they seem bent on digging into past histories of their new lovers! It is a really funny question when you are faced with that kind of a quandary.

"As a regular rule," continued our woman-of-the world, "a woman would do well to gauge her answer from a man's. But what happens if he says 400? Would a response of 308 show a charmingly coy sexual reticence or elicit an indignant 'you're not the mother of my future children" from her shocked partner?

"One thing you should avoid saying is that you can't remember because that could reflect badly on you. I can't remember? That many, is it? She continues: "As a rule, men, automatically double the real figure and women automatically half it. Factual information backs up the theory. There are lies, damn lies and statistics and then there are sexual statistics which must be special kind of double lie. 'Whatever lies you tell, you need to get your head above the proverbial troubled waters!

"How many people you sleep with is a private matter. How many people you admit to having slept with is a social matter and, therefore, a question of manners. What you tell your friend is different from what you tell your lovers. People want to feel special, not as though they are part of a sprawling number game. A white lie isn't necessarily a wicked deceit, but could be simple courtesy. Why tread on someone's dreams when you can just as easily not?"

Good common sense, that is, if you ask me. Only it is amazing, how many good relationships are put in jeopardy in the male partners' quest to find out how promiscuous their female partners are. Are they as promiscuous as 'friends' say they are? At one of our 'old-students' renewals recently, we reverted to nostalgia, asking about old boyfriends. One of us looked particularly – sad and it expired that after her studies, she became pregnant and planned excitedly for a wedding with the love of her life. She was more than bewildered when the boy practically disappeared from the face of the earth.

Men think you are a sex addict when you satisfy them in bed - Bridget Amos Yoruba actress

Written by Ayo Onikoyi
~vanguard Nigeria. Sunday, January 29, 2017.

On-the-rise Yoruba actress, Bridget Amos has clear ideas about what she wants in her career and she seems to know exactly how to go about getting them. In one past interview with Potpourri, the busty Kwara State-born beauty said she loves setting certain standards for herself, and unlike many of her peers, she would produce only one film per year.

As cocky and as sure of herself as she is, Bridget seems to have issues with matters of the heart. In a recent post on Instagram, the actress vented her frustrations with loving a man and satisfying one.

"What do you really want? So complicated and confusing to please," she wrote, questioning men on her list.

"If you try to please them, you are cheap; if you make love to them you are a love peddler; if you don't, you are playing hard to get; if you show them love you are too emotional. If you give them attention, you are bugging them, and if you don't, you are with other men. If you dress sexy you are attracting other men, if you don't, you are awkward and local. If you cook; wash their clothes, you are desperate of getting married, if you don't , you are not a wife material"

Continuing: "If you're independent you are chasing other men; if you are dependent you are a liability. If you try to satisfy them in bed you are a sex addict; if you don't, you are making sex boring. If you get pregnant you want to trap them down; if you don't, you have damaged your womb. If you are beautiful, you can't stay with one man; if you are not, you are not up to the standard; if you ask for money you are too demanding and if you don't, you are forming". Then, she hits the nail on the head, "they think we can't do without them. At times, I don't think they know what they want".

Do you honestly believe your wife could do without sex?!

Written by Candida
~Vanguard Nigeria. Sunday, January 29, 2017.

REASONS people give for committing adultery gets more and more atrocious by the day. Gbemi had been married to Yori for four years after a courtship that lasted almost six years. Only, in the last few years, their relationship had disintegrated and when their son was born two years ago, the love-making stopped. According to Gbemi: "Sometimes I felt more like the nanny for his son than a wife. I did most of the chores helped by an inexperienced house- help, on top of which I had a full-time job. But I got no appreciation or affection in return.

"I'd tried everything I could think of to try to fix things. I'd dressed in sexy lingerie to try and seduce him. I'd even tried blatantly asking to have sex. But Yori was having none of it, always brushing me off with excuses. After which he started coming to bed hours after me. It had been two years since we last made love and I was at my wits' end. Our sex life had always been important to me. In my view it really helps a couple bond. Without it, you're just two people living together. In the end, I sat him down and demanded we talk about it. I told him: 'We need to deal with this because no matter what you think, this is destroying our relationship.'

"He looked uncomfortable and embarrassed. 'I just don't feel like having sex any more. I'm sorry, but the desire has gone.' He said, a bit sad. It was a blow – but what he said next shocked me to the core. 'If you want it so badly, why don't you try someone else?" I told him I wanted to save our marriage, not leave it. 'That's not what I mean,' he said, 'you could have an affair. I wouldn't mind. People do it all the time.' This was not the way I expected the conversation to go. I wanted him to agree to try harder, not suggest I try with someone else. 'I want you,' I shouted at him. 'I want to have sex with you, not with anyone else. I want my marriage to work! But he's come up with 'his' solution and wasn't budging.


"He repeated the offer over a few months. I guess he knew I wouldn't do it. He was just saying it to shut me up. We were at this impasse, stuck in a sexless marriage when I ran into Francis, an old flame. We had gone out while we were at the university and he told me he was recently divorced. He was still handsome, still his jovial self. Even though I hadn't seen him for over 15 years we got on well and I was still attracted to him. He jokingly said he wouldn't mind taking me to bed for old time's sake and I said 'why not'.

Here's what happens when you stop having sex

~The Punch Nigeria. Tuesday, January 24, 2017. 

While the average healthy adult loves to have sex, a lot of things also sometimes make us go on sex sabbatical, such that in some relationships, partners relegate that aspect of their union to the background!

Yet, Marvin Gaye knew what he was saying when he sang about sexual healing!

Physicians warn that staying off sex for an extended period can have negative impact on your overall wellbeing, such as these ones...

Heightened risks of erectile dysfunction: Naturally, as men advance in age, rock-hard erections are no longer guaranteed; but when you now have to go on long time without sex, your risk for erectile dysfunction doubles, compared to men who have sex at least once a week. A study published in the American Journal of Medicine suggests that, since the penis is a muscle, frequent sex may help preserve your potency, just as physical exercise helps maintain strength. So, to guard against erectile dysfunction, have sex regularly - even if it's once a week.

Depression: Women can get mood-lifting incentives through sex! A study published in the Archives of Sexual Behaviour says some compounds found in semen - such as melatonin, serotonin, and oxytocin - may have mood-boosting benefits for women who have unprotected intercourse. Warning: Ensure that your partner has no sexually transmitted infections!

You can have bouts of cold/flu: Sexually intercourse arms you with the body's first line of defence against viruses - immunoglobulin A (IgA). According to scientists at the Wilkes-Barre University in Pennsylvania, USA, people who have sex once or twice a week enjoy a 30 per cent boost in immunoglobulin A (IgA), compared with those who have sex seldom or never.

Risk of prostate cancer: A study presented to the American Urological Association states that men who have sex regularly have a 20 per cent drop in their risk for prostate cancer. They say this is because frequent ejaculations may remove potentially harmful substances from the prostate.

Anxiety heightens: Scottish researchers say people who don't have sex regularly may be unable to cope with stressful situations, compared with those who have sex at least once a week. The scientists note that during sexual intercourse, the brain releases feel-good chemicals such as endorphins and oxytocin, which help people feel more at ease.

The bottom line: Enjoy sex with the one you love. The benefits are many.

Mom's blood pressure predicts baby's sex before conception -Scientists

~Punch Nigeria. Thursday, January 19, 2017. 

Some Canadian scientists have said that it is possible to determine the sex of a baby months before it is even conceived.

They say that a woman's blood pressure at around 26 weeks before conception could tell if she will have a boy or a girl.

"Higher systolic blood pressure signals she will deliver a boy while lower suggests a girl," says endocrinologist at Mount Sinai Hospital in Toronto, Dr. Ravi Retnakaran.

In a study published in the American Journal of Hypertension, the researchers reached the conclusion as they tried to determine what is responsible for the ratio between girls and boys in a population.

In the new study, the mean systolic blood pressure reading for women who had boys was 106 mm Hg, compared to 103 mm Hg for those who had girls, in the months leading up to conception.

"When a woman becomes pregnant, the sex of a foetus is determined by whether the father's sperm provides an X or Y chromosome and there is no evidence that this probability varies in humans," added Dr. Retnakaran

"What is believed to vary is the proportion of male or female foetuses that is lost during pregnancy

"This study suggests that either lower blood pressure is indicative of a mother's physiology that is less conducive to survival of a male foetus or that higher blood pressure before pregnancy is less conducive to survival of a female foetus.

"This novel insight may hold implications for both reproductive planning and our understanding of the fundamental mechanisms underlying the sex ratio in humans,” he disclosed.

For the study, 1,411 newly-married Chinese women were recruited, all of whom were trying to become pregnant.

Their blood pressure was checked at around 26 weeks before conception and they were followed through pregnancy. Overall, the women gave birth to 739 boys and 672 girls.

Twins from different fathers in one womb

Written by Sola Ogundipe
~Vanguard Nigeria. Sunday, January 15, 2017. 

Siblings can have different fathers; can twins born of a woman have two fathers? The straight answer is yes. Twins could be "bipaternal." This phenomenon occurs quite rarely (1 in a billion to be exact), but several pairs of non-identical twins have been born, tested and found to be the products of one womb, one pregnancy, but two fathers.

It is often assumed that for twins, both eggs were fertilized during a single act of intercourse. However it is quite possible for one egg to be fertilized during one act of intercourse, and the other during another if the woman has intercourse with two men within hours.

Normally, women ovulate only one healthy egg per cycle. Fraternal twins are born when women ovulate two healthy eggs and both get fertilised. But it is also possible for two eggs to be ovulated during the same cycle and fertilised at different points within the five-day fertility window resulting in twins. This process is known as "superfecundation". What this means is that each egg can be fertilised by different sperms.

If a woman ovulates two or more eggs and she has sex with more than one man while she's fertile, "heteropaternal superfecundation" can occur, if the eggs get fertilised by sperm from the two different fathers within the same ovulation period.

Medical research shows that when a woman has sex with two men within the same ovulation window, it can result in bi-paternal twins, that come when a woman releases two eggs during ovulation instead of one - and both eggs are then fertilized.

A successful man is likely to make women orgasm during sex –Study

~Punch Nigeria. Sunday, January 8, 2017. 

Scientists and researchers believe that female orgasm is rare and uncommon, at least, among the humans.

Over the ages, men have been taught the technicalities of how to make a woman reach orgasm during sex - from how to locate the G-Spot, to how to fondle a woman before and after sex.

Well, a new research has built on the earlier ones, with a caveat: how often a woman experiences orgasm during sexual intercourse is related to her partner’s income, his self-confidence, and how attractive he is!

A new study published in Evolutional Psychology shows the extent to which female orgasm functions to promote good mate choices.

Based on a survey of heterosexual female college students in committed relationships, how often women experienced orgasm as a result of sexual intercourse was related to their partner’s family income, his self-confidence, and how attractive he was.

Orgasm intensity was also related to how attracted they were to their partners, how many times they had sex per week, and ratings of sexual satisfaction.

Those with partners who their friends rated as “more attractive” also tended to have more intense orgasms.

Sexual satisfaction was related to how physically attracted a woman was to her partner and the breadth of his shoulders.

Women who began having sexual intercourse at earlier ages had more sex partners, experienced more orgasms, and were more sexually satisfied with their partners.

"We also identified an ensemble of partner psychological traits (motivation, intelligence, focus, and determination) that predicted how often women initiated sexual intercourse.

"Their partner’s sense of humour not only predicted his self-confidence and family income, but it also predicted women’s propensity to initiate sex, how often they had sex, and it enhanced their orgasm frequency in comparison with other partners," said the lead author, Gordon G. Gallup Jr., a psychologist in the University at Albany’s Psychology department, researching biopsychology.

Why make so much noise during sex?!

Written by Bunmi Sofola
~Vanguard Nigeria. Friday, January 6, 2017.

Have you ever woken up the morning after some mind-blowing sex and think: "Why did I tell him all that stuff while we were cuddling last night?" Apparently, you're not unique. Recent research shows that women who had an orgasm disclosed more of their positive thoughts and feeling about their partner afterward than those who didn't climax-and they don't feel as if they're taking a risk by doing that. Blame it on your brain chemicals making you feel trusting.

According to experts, an orgasm triggers the release of oxytocin, the feel-good neuro- chemical that also makes spooning (lying front to back with your partners) feet amazing. "People get loose-lipped after an orgasm because the oxytocin makes them think it's the right time to say gooey things," explains author Amanda Denes. "In serious relationships, a little sappy gab might not be a bad thing, but in casual situations, it's sort of a mixed bag. Professing your love to someone you've been seeing for a few weeks could scare him away, but it could also help take things to the next level. So when in doubt, err on the side of taciturnity and see if you still feet like spilling in the morning."

Deep down, we're all animals in bed. After all, sex is an extremely primal act, and when we use our verbal human brains to talk about it-it's clear that the tongue and the groin are linked (in a much less graphic way that you readers are picturing right now!) "Language communicates not only information but also meaning, feelings and symbols of internal realities," says Amanda Denes. "We can use it to make sex better in a mechanical, instructional sense, but it also makes the act more meaningful." In fact, a few choice words can set off the arousal response as swiftly as a sensual touch -especially in women who are more turned on by ideas than by visuals. But an off-colour or way-too-raunchy phrase from a man in your bed can turn you off just as quickly."

When Annie, a banker met Herbert, one of her bank's directors at the bank's award dinner, she was impressed by this sophisticated and powerful man sitting across her on their table. "I've always been drawn to powerful men," she confessed, "and Herbert was the type of gentleman that often attracted

Elusive female orgasm: who is to blame?

Written by Yetunde Arebi
~Vanguard Nigeria.  Friday, December 16, 2016. 

Female orgasm remains a contemporary issue in female sexual experience because of its complexity both scientifically and naturally. Many factors such as culture and tradition, religion, education. exposure, communication and personality also contribute to the difficulties faced by couples to make this happen with every sexual experience. In my quest to make this near magical experience more accessible to more women, I asked a couple of friends to share their views on the subject with me. It’s quite hilarious:

Bimbo Mate is a 46 year old Civil Servant and Relationship Counsellor. She thinks it is a now social problem:

This is a big problem between many couples. Some years ago, this was not a very important issue in many relationships. Not because it was not there, but because couples hardly talked about it nor did they actually make it a subject of discussion among their friends. But today, things have changed. Nigerians are more enlightened, we are not only more conscious of our surroundings, but of ourselves too.

Women who were hitherto, subservient to their men are now gaining more grounds by the day. There is educational freedom, economic freedom, and a conscious pursuit of good health and general well being on the part of individuals as a whole. So, many women are no longer interested in handouts and leftovers from the men. Even where the women still lack economic power, they have the advantage of education and social awareness to help them get their goals.

So, it’s only natural that things can no longer remain as they were some 30, 20, or even 10 years ago. Women now want to live a more pleasurable and fulfilled life. Back then, women who were bold enough to demand and take what they knew was good for them in relationships were often castigated and labelled. In extreme cases, their men may even seek divorce because of these women’s perceived overbearing attitude. But now, the reverse is more or less the case.

Six good times to have sex

Written by Tunde Ajaja

~Punch Nigeria. Sunday, December 4, 2016.

For an activity that is both intensely pleasurable and medicinal, it seems understandable that people are paying more attention to it.

Sex has numerous benefits, including the fact that it boosts immune system, lowers blood pressure, it's a good form of exercise, helps to reduce the risk of prostate cancer in men, lowers risk of heart attack, improves sleep and brings about the release of feel good hormone (dopamine), love hormone (oxytocin), pain-killing hormone (endorphin) and many others which have positive effects on the body.

Being something that could take place anytime and in any (reasonable) place where the man or the woman feels like having 'it', one could think timing is not a factor when it comes to having a romp in the sack. But according to some scientists, there are specific times sex is good for the body, especially married couples, who do it without apprehension of being caught or the fear of pregnancy.

Given that the hormones influence how people feel anytime they are released, it seems pertinent to point out that sex can be more helpful at certain times than some other times, and some of the good times you should consider having 'it' include:

In the morning: It is a norm for men to want to have sex in the morning, because even by the time they wake up, their testosterone level is at the peak, usually at about 50 per cent more than any other time of the day, which explains why they usually wake up with an erection. But beyond the pleasure derivable from the response to stimuli, studies have shown that sex in the morning is good for the body. According to an American research scientist, Dr. Debby Herbenick, having sex in the morning makes couples feel more upbeat - positive and making them feel that good things will happen - throughout the day and it boosts their immune system. She also revealed that the endorphin hormone released boosts the mood of such persons, which could make their day exciting. She added, "Having sex in the morning also releases the feel-good chemical oxytocin, which makes couples feel loving all day long." This is perhaps more instructive for women who rarely want sex in the morning because their mind is not prepared for it, but prefer it at night.

After a day gone bad: Ordinarily, when people are depressed or frustrated about certain situations, keeping to themselves and being a recluse is usually the commonest response, and so sex could be the last thing on their minds, say when they get home later in the day, but according to experts, that is a good time to have sex. A Toronto-based sexologist, Jessica O'Reilly, told Women'sHealthMag that from holding hands to touching, hugging and getting down to the real thing with their partners could boost their mood at such times. She said, "Studies show that sex and other forms of physical affection, even holding hands, significantly improve your mood and lower stress levels for days to come. As long as your lover is not the source of the anger, such sex can be red hot." In other words, the release of love hormone, feel good hormone and other hormones that improve mood would relieve the person of such stress. It is however worthy of note that a man may not be in the mood for sex when he's down, more so that stress is one of the causes of erectile dysfunction, but findings have shown that men who pull themselves out of that distress and are receptive to the touch of their wives, tend to feel better after the sexual activity because of the hormones that would have been released. In fact, it has been argued that looking at romantic partners or having sex itself could reduce pain.

What can hurt your sex life

Written by Funmi Akingbade
Phone: +234 8096762941, +234 8029593116

~Punch Nigeria. Sunday, November 6, 2016.

Funmi Akingbade

Many of our readers have been sending countless questions to us wanting to know if there are other things that can hurt their sex life apart from bad addictive habits and some common illnesses that have been mentioned on this platform.

Do you know that being mere can hurt a couple's sex life? As simple as being over excited may look or appear, when married couples are not very mindful of this act, they are unknowingly destroying their sex bed. I am sure many of our readers may think this is not so. But do you know that sometimes, when men are overexcited about having sex, they totally forget about the needs of their wives. And what happens is that, during sex, the husband clumsily squeezes the wife's breast.


The point is that during intercourse, the wife is not warmed up and therefore does not enjoy sex as much as the husband. This action hurts couple's sex life and before you know it, the unsatisfied partner is either not showing interest any more or looking for sex elsewhere. So, husbands, go down on your wife like you mean it! If you want her to enjoy sex, then you neted to enjoy performing oral sex on her. Just like nothing is sexier to many husbands than wives giving them a blow job, nothing is sexier to many wives than a husband who enjoys giving oral pleasure. Documentation shows that only about 25 to 30 per cent of married women orgasm or reach climax through sex and most of these women need and likely want clitoral stimulation in addition to sex. I tell men that when you are through, still go down on your wife. You will be surprised to see another side of her, try it tonight. When you roll over after sex and tell her, 'sorry dear, it's just too hot, or I am so tired from office work, or don't worry, next time I will make out time, then you keep a foot of distance between you and her.

Maybe you chat with her a bit before falling asleep. She is noticeable annoyed and it will backfire sooner or later. Even if you are not someone who likes to touch after sex, you just must learn how to. You can start off small and make some kind of physical contact a normal part of your after-sex routine. Scratch her back for a little while and lay a little closer than normal. Once you have scratched her back for a while, move to a closer touch. Cuddling after sex will bring the two of you closer together. One of the most successful marriage relationships has been linked to bonds created after sex and cuddling. According to research, the way you approach your partner after sex is really important to how you approach your relationship in general. When you and your wife barely experience spark after sex, it could hurt your sex life.

Dear Aunty Julie (Relationship, Romance, Healthe and Fitness) -|- My husband’s friend is destroying our marriage

Topics:

Dear Aunty Julie,

• My husband’s friend is destroying our marriage
• I feel guilty about cheating on him
• Help! I had anal s3x and started bleeding
• I'm in love with my husband's best friend
• How do I forgive his sexting
• My husband's friend is destroying our marriage
• My friends want me to sleep with an older woman
• He doesn't like sex during my period
•  Sex with my husband is painful
• I love sex but I don't want anything serious
• My husband’s friend is destroying our marriage
• I feel uncomfortable around my father-in-law
• Aunty Julie, I have a crush on my best friend's brother
• I'm sexually attracted to a man at work, I'm married
• Wetness from my vagina dries into tiny crumbs, smells funny
• Dear Aunty Julie, Help! I am developing feelings for my teacher
• He's scared about sex during my period
• We had sex and I'm itching
• I was raped
• Her parents think we're too young
• My mom is too protective
• Is my lover’s passion strange?

_______________________________________

Dear Julie, My husband’s friend is destroying our marriage

Written by Aunty Julie
~Vanguard, Nigeria. November 11, 2016.

Aunty Julie,
My husband of two years is very sociable and has many close friends that we meet up with for dinner. But he also has clingy friend who comes to our home every Friday and stays until Sunday afternoon. I am often lying around in very little or feeding our baby. One morning he bumped into me naked in the bathroom.

I feel as though my privacy is being invaded. My husband just expects me to chat to him but I am getting angry and we end up having huge fights. If I blame my husband, his friend jumps in and ticks me off. When we went to his house he put on a pornographic film and both he and my husband started grinning at me.

Even on our first anniversary supper this man turned up at the restaurant and joined us for coffee. My husband promises to talk to him but nothing has changed. He texts and telephones my husband every day. This man is nice and he loves our daughter, but I feel as if I am in competition with him for my husband’s attention. How can I stop him coming around all the time.
Anonymous, Lagos.

Dear Anonymous,
Neither your husband nor his friend are being fair to you. To use Princess Diana’s much quoted phrase, there are three of us in this marriage. No wife would want another man there all weekend, leaving her little time to be with her husband. It is difficult enough to find time to just be a couple when there is a new baby, let alone when there is someone else there all the time.
So talk to your husband once more and ask him to tell his friend that you want more time as a couple. It would be fine if he stayed over once a month or came for supper sometimes, but not nearly so frequently. If your husband does nothing then you should talk to his friend yourself. Explain that you like him but you want more time as a couple.

You could offer to find him a girlfriend to keep him occupied . He should definitely not be joining you on your next wedding anniversary. I assume your husband and this man are not in a relationship.

---------------------------------------------------

Dear Julie, I feel guilty about cheating on him

~Vanguard, Nigeria. Friday, September 2, 2016.

Aunty Julie,

My guy and I have been together for the past 10 years. We have been living together but we are not married and my family is kicking. I have always felt like we had a pretty good relationship and although I am away for work quite often, I have never felt tempted to stray.

But last year, I met another guy at a conference and we clicked well and ended up talking for hours. However, one thing led to another and things happened that I never intended to happen. I's not really a big deal but I'm actually dying inside over the guilt I have now.

I haven't seen the guy again but I am struggling because on one hand, I want to tell my partner but on the other, I feel like it will hurt him so much.

I don't know if it's the right thing to do. At the same time, I also wonder to myself why this happened and if I'm happy in my relationship, what made this so available and easy? Is there something more, is there a reason this happened?

Laila, Kogi

Dear Laila,

You are feeling guilty and confused. You seem to care but wonder how you could do this at the same time. The truth is, when our feelings, thoughts and behaviours don't match, we enter the state of cognitive dissonance, which is usually difficult until we get aligned by either reassessing our values or changing our behaviours, so that things line up again.

You are struggling because you are evolving and growing from the situation inside you. But I'm curious if you are more troubled by telling your partner the truth or feeling the judgments. The biggest judge is the person in the mirror. Just like you can love someone but not everything they do, you can love yourself but not everything you've done. That might be a starting point.

Pornography: Pornography can ruin your marriage

Topics:
Pornography can ruin your marriage
Dealing with the scourge of pornography
_______________________________

Pornography can ruin your marriage

Written by Tunde Ajaja

~Punch Nigeria. Sunday, September 18, 2016.

Pornography, being the visual material containing the explicit description or display of sexual organs or activity, intended to stimulate sexual excitement, is no doubt one sexual activity that has been in existence for a long time. For some, it is something they watch in their leisure, and for some others, it has become an addiction.

As much as it has been condemned by moralists and spiritual leaders, more so that major religions also abhor it, it is however interesting to note that it keeps spreading, and more than ever before, people across all ages; young, old and elderly seem to (increasingly) indulge in it.

According to Covenant Eyes, internet accountability and filtering company, as of 2007, global porn revenues were estimated at $20bn.

A report had shown that the number of pornographic views on one of the popular pornographic websites rose from 63.2 billion video views in 2012 to 78.9 billion views in 2013, and phones accounted for 45 per cent of these views; desktop was 44 per cent and views on tablets rose by 20 per cent to account for its 11 per cent.

Previous reports had also found that men are 543 per cent more likely to watch pornography than females, but one in three women also watches it at least once a week, and most of such persons view it on their mobile devices.

It is believed that most people who watch pornography do so to satisfy their sexual urge, but it is worthy of note that some married persons also watch it.

For married persons who watch it, such is seen as a symbol of sexual dissatisfaction and or matrimonial discontentment, especially if the viewer started it after entering into marriage.

Findings have revealed that watching pornography has numerous side effects, as it can dull the brain, breed masturbation, influence the viewer's perception of the opposite sex as a mere sex object, breed inferiority complex and reduce libido. But beyond these, it has been found to be one of the things that ruin marriages.

When your man needs 'outside' help'!

Written by Bunmi Sofola
~Vanguard Nigeria. Sunday, September 11, 2016.

With many of our men complaining of different types of 'accidents' in the bedroom, it is no surprise that the help of what is now termed a 'sexual surrogate' could come in handy. The average 'sexual surrogate' is not a prostitute but a trained psychotherapist who acts as a surrogate for men suffering from a variety of sexual problems which are hampering their ability to have a normal physical relationship.

Padma Deva is currently a highly successful surrogate based in the UK. She said she's never had a negative experience with a client, and far from feeling in any way degraded by her work, she finds it emotionally fulfilling.

According to her: "It is wonderful to witness the transformation my clients undergo, and knowing I have played a part in that is rewarding. During an initial consultation with a new client, I recommend a client sees their doctor to rule out physical causes for their sexual problems such as diabetes or high blood pressure."

If surrogacy is deemed appropriate, she asks her client to take a sexually transmitted disease test before hand. Only then can the surrogacy work begin. To start with, both client' and surrogate may remain fully clothed, focusing on exercises such as touching each other's hands, arms, shoulders and face. As the therapy advances, the client and the surrogate may build up to removing their clothes, engaging in genital contact and, if necessary and appropriate, full sexual intercourse.

Do women have erectile dysfunction?

Written by Funmi Akingbade

~Punch Nigeria. Friday, September 9, 2016.

Funmi Akingbade

There has been a lot of controversy over the subject of erectile dysfunction in women. Some groups of researchers say women do not have this type of complications. They argue that women do not have erection challenges; hence they could not possibly have issues with erectile dysfunction. But another group of sex and sexuality scholars believe that women actually undergo erectile dysfunction. They argue that the clitoris has same properties with the nerves of the penis. According to them, clitoris responds to sex like the penis.

While research suggests that sexual erectile dysfunction is more common in men, 43 per cent of women have reported some degree of this problem. I must say that it is actually a topic that many women are hesitant or embarrassed to discuss. Fortunately, most cases of erectile sexual dysfunction in women are traceable to ignorance, lack of desire, childhood sexual abuse, mind-set, hormonal problems, premenopausal issues, depression, medication, unhappy marital relationship and sicknesses. Female sexual dysfunction can also be as a result of a physical or psychological problem. These conditions include diabetes, heart disease, neurological diseases, hormonal imbalances, menopause, plus such chronic diseases as kidney disease or liver failure, and alcoholism or drug abuse. In addition, the side effects of certain medications, including some antidepressant drugs, can affect sexual desire and function. Psychological causes include work-related stress and anxiety, concern about sexual performance, marital or relationship problems, depression, feelings of guilt, or the effects of a past sexual trauma.

The most common problems related to erectile sexual dysfunction in women include inhibited sexual desire, which involves a lack of sexual desire or interest in sex. Of course, many factors can contribute to a lack of desire, including hormonal changes, medical conditions and treatments (for example, some menstrual pain drugs, cancer and chemotherapy), depression, pregnancy, stress, and fatigue. Ironically, even boredom with regular sexual routines may also contribute to a lack of enthusiasm for sex; lifestyle factors such as careers, the care for children and family life can also cause it. 

Affairs with married women are not as 'safe' as men think – Reader

Written by Bunmi Sofola
~Vanguard Nigeria. Sunday, August 28, 2016.

FROM time to time, I get letters from you readers that are so interesting that I feel I ought to share them with the rest of you. A few days back, a letter simply signed "Iyabode" popped up on my e-mail and I couldn't help chuckling to myself as I read it. She wrote: "Dear Bunmi, I am one of the regular readers of your articles in The Vanguard every Sunday, and I do not even know how fully I can express my feelings about your articles. If I may tell you, they have really improved my lifestyle and I always make copies available to friends whenever the need arises.

Bunmi, I shall be grateful if you can please help write something one of these days on: Why men of today prefer married women as girlfriends. Honestly speaking, it is a vogue in town these days. Please help emphasize on the following points:

Class: This set of married women are known for their own class. Most of them are wives of rich and notorious men. These men also go out at all times with extremely younger girls, leaving their wives and kids at home, thinking that money can fix everything, forgetting about love and happiness.

Sex: This category of ladies are preferred by men because they do have wide sexual experiences and they are very safe as they don't pester the men for marriage.

Fashion: These ladies are very fashion conscious. They are seen in designer dresses and at beauty parlours. They do not mind how much they spend on manicures, pedicures and professionally

Sex does get better at 40!

Written by Bunmi Sofola
~Vanguard Nigeria. Sunday, July 31, 2016.

Do you dread the thought of reaching middle age? Wearing sensible shoes? Worrying about your wrinkles? Going off sex? Totting at what young people get up to? Well, forget it! Middle age has had a make-over. Two different studies have revealed that far from facing a mid-life crisis: women in theirmiddle years are increasingly confident, having more fun and enjoying better sex than ever.

So why does life get better once you leave your 30s behind? That's the question Jill Arnold, a senior lecturer in Psychology at Nottingham Trend University asked a group of women. At the age of 59, she felt that talking to other women about then-lives and experiences might help her to

understand. Along with her photographer daughter, she launched a project to find out how women view themselves as they get older. Arnold and her daughter interviewed and photographed 50 women aged between 45 and 65. Far from meeting frumps and grumps, they found people who were funny, creative and surer of themselves then ever before. "I think the increased confidence comes from knowing what you want," says Arnold.

"By the time they reach middle age, many women have spent years pursuing their careers and devoting all their energy to their children. Now they are looking forward to doing more things independently, even selfishly." One woman told me that she'd always thought she would feel isolated as she grew older. But her life is fuller than ever and she has a long list of things she wants to do with her time as soon as she retired.

" Arnold believes that although older women still feel under pressure to look good, they think to themselves: "I will try to find a way that is convenient for me." She says: It's not that these women don't care what anyone thinks any more. They know that they will be the judge. But they are more confident about the choices they make.

35 per cent decline in sperm count: Infertile men everywhere!

Written by Chioma Obinna

~Vanguard Nigeria. Sunday, July 31, 2016

Mention "Infertility" and cold shivers run down peoples' spines. Infertility threatens the love, peace and joy in a home. Many homes are faced with the agony of childlessness and infertility is fast becoming a plague. The desire of every couple is to become parents within the first or second year of marriage. While many couples have this dream fulfilled, quite a number of others do not; no matter how hard they try. When pregnancy is not achieved at a point, mistrust sets in. Most of the time, the woman bears the bulk of the blame.

Such was the case of Obigaeri and her childhood friend, Emeka, who later became her husband. "The moment I noticed my mother in-law's frequent visits, I became suspicious," Emeka said.Emeka and Obigaeri were close enough friends right from childhood that what started like child's play blossomed into real life marriage.

Six years into the marriage, there was no sign of pregnancy not even a miscarriage. Tongues started wagging. Love in the home suddenly grew sour. Like the usual practice in Africa, the woman is blamed. Obiagaeri became a laughing stock before her husband's family.

No one saw any good in her anymore. Obiagaeri's world came crashing down. Month after month, she continued to wallow in self pity, hoping for a miracle. One day she ran into an old school mate, and they got talking. She narrated her story, and her school mate counselled and encouraged her to insist that her husband also go for a medical check up. But like the typical Nigerian woman, Obiageri was afraid to confront her husband.

While praying to God to open her womb, Obiageri had been to two in-vitro fertility, IVF, centres where she was given a clean bill of health. Six months later, when she could no longer bear the harassments by family members, she finally opened up:"I told my husband that it was time for him to also check himself". But the response she received from Emeka shocked her. "Why should you involve me in that?", he queried. His reaction was typical of African men.