When a man cheats on his wife!

Written by Yetunde Arebi
~Vanguard Nigeria. Sunday, January 15, 2017.

Please, close your eyes for a minute. Now, imagine that something terrible just happened to you, such as an accident or illness, rendering you incapable of being in charge of your life. You have become so incapacitated, you can no longer run your own show. You can no longer bark out orders at your family and loved ones.

You are no longer that fire spitting boss at the office that everyone dreaded to cross path with. No longer are you that loud laughing, back pumping buddy to your friends and colleagues. Your beer guzzling and cigarette puffing addiction which you loved to call enjoyment can no longer be fed. Yes, imagine that you are now totally dependent on some other persons to help you get by.

You need someone to take care of your personal private needs, particularly toilet needs. Simple tasks such as bathing, brushing your teeth, eating, sitting, getting into your own bed, talking, laughing, and even taking your own medication have become the duty of some others. All you can do now is stare at the ceiling and into space as you lay in your bed like a zombie. What do you think would happen to you should you suddenly become a vegetable? Who do you think ought to be responsible for your care?

This was exactly what happened to Steve, a 59 year old business man when he suddenly suffered a severe stroke two years ago. According to Angelica, his wife of about 25 years, it all happened so suddenly late one night." Because we did not share a room, I did not realise that anything had happened to him until I woke up at about 5.30am to use the bathroom and heard a muffled sound coming from his room.

It was a strange sound, so I decided to check on him. Then, I saw him, lay out straight and staring at the ceiling, foaming from his mouth. I rushed out of our apartment and alerted the neighbours to help us get him to the hospital and called his siblings and some close family members too. Informing them of the development.

This was very important so no one would accuse me of keeping his condition a secret from them until something irreversible happened. As you are aware, a woman is usually held responsible for any condition or death of her husband in this part of the world, even if the cause of his death is public knowledge.

At the hospital, we were informed that he had suffered a full stroke which had affected his brain severely. He lost virtually all his senses, movement, coordination, speech, feeling (touch), he just lay there, with his eyes open without seeing anything or acknowledging anything. The family coughed out a fortune to save his life and God granted him favour. He survived but became a vegetable. The man I once knew is gone and may never return to that body".

Why it pays to have hubby's mistress on your side!

Written by Bunmi Sofola
~vanguard Nigeria. Sunday, January 8, 2017.

WHILE some wives hang on to a marriage despite abuse bothering on 'intimate terrorism', quite a few who value their pride draw the line on how much they can take from a marriage before packing their bags – children and all. "One rainy day seven years ago,I recalled Freida, a hugely successful business woman, "an amateur detective mission I'd set myself came to fruition. I had amassed the clues and every- shred of evidence. I was closing in on the slut who was sleeping with my husband.

"My heart was virtually in my throat as the moment approached when I would finally confront her. The other woman. The mistress. My husband's bit on the side. Whatever name I chose to call her, she amounted to the same thing. She was the woman with whom my husband, Deji, was conducting an affair. The woman for whom he was willing to sacrifice our almost ten years of marriage and a happy home we'd built for our three children. And there she was, walking the length and breath of this fairly posh hotel as a supervisor. A staff member had discreetly pointed her to me and I walked up to her. 'Are you Linda?' I asked this slim tall woman with badly done hair extensions. I was really surprised at what I saw.

She was slim, tall and at least nine years younger than me. Her look of blank perflexing turned to shock when I told her, "I'm Freida, your lover's wife.' She looked really lost for words as she scanned the faces of other hotel guests.

"Until I came face to face with Linda, I'd envisaged Deji's mistress as a younger and more successful version of me. Yet here she was in bend-down jeans, a fake designer handbag and a cheap vest top. I felt relieved but also perplexed, that she wasn't what I call his type. She was several inches taller than him for a start. I simply couldn't picture them together.

She was dumb-struck. She meekly followed me to a cheaper eatery near the hotel after her manager agreed she could come with me for half an hour.

Husbands who bring out the worst in their wives!

~Vanguard Nigeria. Sunday, January 8, 2017.

SOME years back, a close friend invited three of her friends to lunch to mark her husband's birthday. Just the five of us, she warned on the phone – a subtle way of telling us not to even think of bringing any hangers-on to her 'exclusive' do. We all three knew Bose and her no- nonsense attitude. Even Oba, her husband tread on egg-shells whenever she was in her foul mood – which was often. Anyway, we were all looking forward to what we imagined would be a delicious spread of local and foreign dishes – Bose, whatever her fault, was a darn good cook.

We were a bit on guard when Oba was the one who welcomed us as we pressed the bell, screaming 'Bose, Bose, your friends are here o!' Bose appeared, dressed in pants and a very sexy blouse, a defiant look on her face. In the mean-time, no aroma of any kind wafted from the kitchen.

"If my friends are here nko?" Bose sneered. "It is your birthday, you entertain them" . The gist of it was there was no celebratory lunch of any kind. Bose glared at her husband, yelling she hadn't done any shopping and she wasn't up to cooking anything – all of us should go and stuff ourselves!

As she flauced out of the living room, her eldest daughter surfaced, looking extremely embarrassed. But Oba quickly took charge. He gave some money to her daughter to make a quick dash to the nearest fast-food spot and get us some assortment of food. Then with Bose still raving and ranting, he served the food his daughter brought back in the formal dining room as if it was the most delicious feast in the world, all the while regaling us with entertaining stories as if nothing was remotely out of the ordinary.

Now, were we surprised by this turn of event? Not in the least. We were all aware of Bose and Oba's volatile marriage. Bose often attacked her husband, subjecting him to a string of battering. Oba often regaled us with tales of how he was scratched, punched and even hit over the head with a bottle, as well as having the windscreen of a favourite vehicle smashed by his excessively jealous wife. The rows were never-ending and spilled into his official duties. On one occasion, he alleged Bose was waiting for him outside his office after he'd just finished a meeting with his key staff. "When I came out," he said, she confronted me about something and when I didn't give her the type of answer she sought, she sank her teeth into my hand."

A successful man is likely to make women orgasm during sex –Study

~Punch Nigeria. Sunday, January 8, 2017. 

Scientists and researchers believe that female orgasm is rare and uncommon, at least, among the humans.

Over the ages, men have been taught the technicalities of how to make a woman reach orgasm during sex - from how to locate the G-Spot, to how to fondle a woman before and after sex.

Well, a new research has built on the earlier ones, with a caveat: how often a woman experiences orgasm during sexual intercourse is related to her partner’s income, his self-confidence, and how attractive he is!

A new study published in Evolutional Psychology shows the extent to which female orgasm functions to promote good mate choices.

Based on a survey of heterosexual female college students in committed relationships, how often women experienced orgasm as a result of sexual intercourse was related to their partner’s family income, his self-confidence, and how attractive he was.

Orgasm intensity was also related to how attracted they were to their partners, how many times they had sex per week, and ratings of sexual satisfaction.

Those with partners who their friends rated as “more attractive” also tended to have more intense orgasms.

Sexual satisfaction was related to how physically attracted a woman was to her partner and the breadth of his shoulders.

Women who began having sexual intercourse at earlier ages had more sex partners, experienced more orgasms, and were more sexually satisfied with their partners.

"We also identified an ensemble of partner psychological traits (motivation, intelligence, focus, and determination) that predicted how often women initiated sexual intercourse.

"Their partner’s sense of humour not only predicted his self-confidence and family income, but it also predicted women’s propensity to initiate sex, how often they had sex, and it enhanced their orgasm frequency in comparison with other partners," said the lead author, Gordon G. Gallup Jr., a psychologist in the University at Albany’s Psychology department, researching biopsychology.

Why make so much noise during sex?!

Written by Bunmi Sofola
~Vanguard Nigeria. Friday, January 6, 2017.

Have you ever woken up the morning after some mind-blowing sex and think: "Why did I tell him all that stuff while we were cuddling last night?" Apparently, you're not unique. Recent research shows that women who had an orgasm disclosed more of their positive thoughts and feeling about their partner afterward than those who didn't climax-and they don't feel as if they're taking a risk by doing that. Blame it on your brain chemicals making you feel trusting.

According to experts, an orgasm triggers the release of oxytocin, the feel-good neuro- chemical that also makes spooning (lying front to back with your partners) feet amazing. "People get loose-lipped after an orgasm because the oxytocin makes them think it's the right time to say gooey things," explains author Amanda Denes. "In serious relationships, a little sappy gab might not be a bad thing, but in casual situations, it's sort of a mixed bag. Professing your love to someone you've been seeing for a few weeks could scare him away, but it could also help take things to the next level. So when in doubt, err on the side of taciturnity and see if you still feet like spilling in the morning."

Deep down, we're all animals in bed. After all, sex is an extremely primal act, and when we use our verbal human brains to talk about it-it's clear that the tongue and the groin are linked (in a much less graphic way that you readers are picturing right now!) "Language communicates not only information but also meaning, feelings and symbols of internal realities," says Amanda Denes. "We can use it to make sex better in a mechanical, instructional sense, but it also makes the act more meaningful." In fact, a few choice words can set off the arousal response as swiftly as a sensual touch -especially in women who are more turned on by ideas than by visuals. But an off-colour or way-too-raunchy phrase from a man in your bed can turn you off just as quickly."

When Annie, a banker met Herbert, one of her bank's directors at the bank's award dinner, she was impressed by this sophisticated and powerful man sitting across her on their table. "I've always been drawn to powerful men," she confessed, "and Herbert was the type of gentleman that often attracted

Beware of poisons in the cooking pot!

Written by Sola Ogundipe
~Vanguard Nigeria. Monday, January 2, 2017.

Part of living healthier is eating healthier. Consumption of fruits, vegetables, seeds and beans are all essential parts of a well-balanced and healthy diet, but beware that your food id either edible or poisonous and detrimental to health.

While most of us don't think about the way we consume everyday foods, there are reasons behind why we are trained to eat only certain parts of their anatomy. Even during food processing, there are several procedures that strip foods of their poisons to make them human-friendly.

People infected with food-borne organisms may be symptom-free or may have symptoms ranging from mild intestinal discomfort to severe dehydration and bloody diarrhoea. Depending on the type of infection, people can even die as a result of food poisoning.

More than 250 different diseases can cause food poisoning. Some of the most common diseases are infections caused by bacteria, such as Campylobacter,Salmonella, Shigella, E. coli O157:H7, Listeria, botulism and norovirus. Here are some foods to be wary of this year.

Clams

Avoid eating Red or Blood Clams, regardless if they're a delicacy. Known to cause hepatitis A & E, typhoid and dysentery, these red clams have been banned in many countries, but could be encountered as sushi. You can be assured of its safety - as long as you have proof that they were safely cultivated! Illegal imports of clams are common in most Chinatown settlements, so be forewarned!


Elderberries

Elderberries, delightful as marmalade, wine and pancake syrup, have a dark secret hidden in its branches: cyanide. While it is a beautiful plant, don't be fooled! This plant, often used in medicinal syrups, sodas and liquors can cause a severely upset stomach if consumed incorrectly. The flowers are the part of the plant used to make all things elderberry. The stems and various other parts of the plant, when consumed, can cause severe stomach issues. Take caution when drinking herbal teas made of elderberry leaves, and don't even think about eating the unripe fruits and flowers that contain a toxic alkaloid.

9ja rules! "Wahala dey o"! - Popularising the Naija Language: 5 things to be thankful for if you live in Nigeria

Topics:

• Popularising the Naija Language
• 5 things to be thankful for if you live in Nigeria
• Is there anything wrong with following instruction? Who is wrong here, the Ticha or the student?
• "My own don spoil today!!!"
• "Wahala dey o"!
• 9ja in the life beyond!

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Popularising the Naija Language
By DENJA ABDULLAHI


Using the word “pidgin” to describe the speech pattern or its written version commonly referred to as broken English in days gone by or stylishly named “rotten English” by Ken Saro Wiwa in his novel Sozaboy is no longer fashionable nor accurate –so concluded language scholars at the IFRA (Institut Francais de Recherche en Afrique) Nigeria-organized conference on the Nigeria Pidgin held at the University of Ibadan in 2009.

The conference rose with the firm resolution that the Nigerian Pidgin is currently well developed enough in terms of widespread usage, identifiable orthography and communicative propensity to shed the derogatory connotation of the term pidgin and wear a new respectable toga to be known as Naija. Several measures were suggested to further popularize the Naija Langwej in its current standardized version, among which was its use in literary writings.

The poet, Eriata Oribhabor, was an active participant at the said conference, where he presented a paper on “The Use of Naija in the Media, Arts and Entertainment” and it is, therefore, logical for him to attempt to creatively present the newly renamed Naija langwej in 50 poems of varying length and subjects in a collection entitled Abuja Na Kpangba An Oda Puem –dem .The arrival of the collection, with its catchy title, echoes many other iconoclastic efforts by notable poets in the past in their attempts to make us take the then pidgin seriously as a language of creativity. One recalls Aig-Imouekhuede’s Pidgin Stew and Sufferhead (1982),Ken Saro Wiwa’s long pidgin poem “Dis Nigeria Self” in his collection Songs In a Time of War(1985), Mamman Jiya Vatsa’s Tori For Geti Bow Leg(1985),Ezenwa Ohaeto’s I wan Bi President(1988) and If To Say I be Soja(1998) as signposting the land-marking usage of the Nigerian Pidgin in literature.

All the aforementioned books were received by the reading public for their public spirited themes and particularly for their use of a language with mass appeal –the language of the people.

Abuja Na Kpangba An Oda Puem-dem, though following in the footsteps of the rich traditions of Pidgin poetry of the earlier writers, makes a strong case for taking the form seriously in terms of conforming to the grammar and stylized standards of the Naija langwej. Beyond the pioneers identified above, contemporary writers usually switch on to pidgin as a kind of second rate attempt at creating humour which they erroneously think pidgin is best for and can be done as solely defined by the capacity and exposure of any writer. Thus we see varied orthography, some of them outlandish and mostly led by the ear and generally appearing like twisted English in many of the pieces presented as Nigerian Pidgin in contemporary Nigerian literature, whether it is drama, prose or poetry.

In Abuja Na Kpangba…, the corrective and pioneering venture of the poet Eriata in showcasing the new way the hitherto Nigerian Pidgin now Naija should be written is noted in the “Edito Mesej” by David Esizimetor prefacing the poems thus: “dis koleshon of puem speshal bikos na im bi di fest naija langwej buk we dem poblish wit di niu spelin sistem we bi Standad Naija Otografi(SNO) we Naija Langwej Akedemi(NLA)aprov.” After that, the poet plunges into the wonders and the contradictions of the city of Abuja in the title poem entitled Abuja na hevun,na kpangba where he writes: Abuja na ples!/ wen you land/ yu go wonda weda/ na Naija yu de?/ yu go de luk ayanyan/ yu go de hala laik se/ yu wan kolo/ yu go se/ “abi no bi Naija bi dis?”/ “abi na obodo oyibo bi dis?”

In another poem the poet asks: “Wich Landa Broda?” as a post-colonial critique of history as written or perceived by the colonizers, not sparing the internal colonialists, too: Abuja don te/ Gbagyi don de/ bifo Abuja kom de

na so i bi.// Naija don te/ awa pipul don te/ bifo Naija kom de/ na so i bi.//

Na so wi de/ Dem se na Landa Broda/ Dat na wait lai/ Wich Landa Broda?

In poems, such as “A get sista” and “Wich neshon yu bi?”, the poet explores family themes and upbringing resonating with the boy-girl child dilemma as it affects both parents. In the first poem, we witness a mother with so many boys already pining for a girl: “No bi boi bi di tin/na gel mama want/bot na boi” ; while in the second poem we encounter a disciplinarian father dealing with his horde of boys: “Papa pas soja/i gada os laik gels/haus no get gels/i no wan hie.”

The poems in the collection traverse the wide range of subjects any poet can muster, ranging from socio-political concern, love, treachery, ribaldry ,urban tales, class dichotomy to simple display of street lingo or credibility which is never in short supply in the arsenal of the form on which the collection is built.

What is however very noticeable in Abuja Na Kpangba is the assured manner in which the poet is able to navigate the varied subjects using Naija(Nigerian Pidgin) without being verbose and with refreshing turn of phrases in virtually all the poems that give the reader a feeling of reading Pidgin like it has not been written before. And in places where the poet quarries deep into the lingo of Naija, as spoken in maybe Sapele-Warri axis considered as the native speaking area of the language, footnotes not glossaries are generously supplied to aid comprehension by non-native speaker. For example, in the poem “Na fo haus yu swim?”, mocking pretentious child upbringing by parents, who themselves were very free as children, the poet pens thus: Wi du am fo sansan/ Baf fo sansan/ Swim fo dambadamba/ Kach ogoro,kuk feri fud/ Ple,jomp an laf. (italics mine).

In explaining some uncommon words in the above smippet from a much longer poem, the poet supplies footnotes indicating that sansan means “sandy ground”,dambadamba as “stagnant pool of rain water collected in dugout sand pits”,ogoro as “frogs” and kuk feri fud as “cook imaginary play food.”The most obvious change in the orthography a lay reader of the collection will notice in relation to earlier forms of the Nigerian Pidgin he or she may have come across is in the spelling and pronunciation of the letters or words i and a . The letter i in very many pidgin renditions sounds as or pronounced as a as in i dey kampe (apology to Olusegun Obasanjo of i -still –dey- laugh fame).In Abuja Na Kpangba, the written form of i and the pronunciation is close to that of the letter e as used in context in the poem “Abuja na hevun,na kpangba”: “Abuja na di ples!/na di veri ples/i de kamkpe no bi lai.” Compare that to the use in the poem “A arenj” which goes thus: “A de kamkpe/a arenj/a si pepe,a sabi/a arenj, etc.”

Eriata Oribhabor has definitely achieved a crescendo in Abuja Na Kpangba in the sheer exhibition of the mastery of Naija(Nigerain Pidgin), as he passionately weaves piece after piece, showcasing the viability of the language in expressing our humanity and the endless pleasures that lie in speaking in one’s own tongue;in this case the Naija Langwej.

The book from the content page to the blurb is written in the Naija langwej which is commendable except for the page on about the author at the very end which is written in straight English and one wonders why that oversight?And you readers must wonder too why this review was written in English and not in the Naija Langwej or at least in Nigerian Pidgin. I guess it will take a long time before we will be able to settle the language question in our literature and the coming of Abuja Na Kpangba has added a fresher dimension to the unending discourse.

Denja Abdullahi, former National General Secretary, Association of Nigerian Authors, is Deputy Director, National Council for Arts and Culture, Abuja.
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5 things to be thankful for if you live in Nigeria
~Vanguard Nigeria. Sunday, December 18, 2016. 

It's been a rough year for Nigeria. From the hike in the price of the dollar to increase in the cost of food and living, there have been a lot of reasons to feel discouraged about the giant of Africa. Many have become fixated on big-picture worries and so, take for granted all the little facets of life that deserve appreciation.

Believe it or not, Nigeria is still a pretty great place to live. And to bring a major boost to your overall happiness. Jumia Travel shares some things you can be grateful for if you live in Nigeria.

Jollof Rice