Written by 'Nonye Ben-Nwankwo - Punch, Nigeria
Her husband is dead. She is jobless. She is saddled with five
hungry mouths to feed. The burden of the next house rent lies solely on
hershoulder, no companion, no friend. She is being scorned by not a few but
also pitied by many others. This is the life of a typical Nigerian widow.
You see her; the picture she paints
is that of a helpless woman who is more worried about her financial
incapability. Ask 10 widows and nine out of them would tell you their major
problem is money. But no, that is not the major predicament, it goes beyond
that.
Above all the challenges and
concerns, a widow is first of all, a woman who has needs – sexual needs. How
does she cope when that urge, that craving and that feeling of wanting to have
a man satisfy her sexual needs, comes up? How does she quench her sexual
desire?
As you watch her cry at the
graveside of the husband, wanting to fall into the grave with the casket, it is
not only because she has lost a helpmate. She cries most importantly because
she has lost a friend, a companion and of course, a lover- a sex mate!
The perception that a widow doesn't
and shouldn't have a sexual need lies in the minds of the ignorant. The urge is
there, stronger, deeper and certainly more intense.
"I am not too old, somebody
should be around me. The urge to have sex comes on once in a while, it is the
grace of God that keeps me going all this while," says 53-year-old school
teacher, Getrude Oyetayo.
"Personally, I came to realise
that my profession of being a teacher has helped me a lot. I am disciplined. I
try to make sure I am myself. I respect myself and forge ahead. I don't dwell
along that line. If I put my interest there, I will lose focus. Peradventure it
comes again; I only ask God what He thinks I should do. God has always been
there. God will ask me if He is not sufficient for me. If I have any sexual
feelings, I engage myself in the house of God. It has helped me not to think of
it.
"When I feel the urge, I run to
the church. The first few years I lost my husband, I would always go to the
church to sweep it. I will listen to the radio. At times, my kids would not be
around, they would go back to school. I don't even have a maid. But I will manage,"
she explained.
Oyetayo said she had had to battle
with the issue of loneliness since her husband, Williams, passed on five years
ago.
"As a human being, the
loneliness comes up. It is terrible. If you are not careful, you will lose
focus. Loneliness is something a widow battles with. You look right, you don't
see anybody and you look left, you don't see anybody. You are just on your own.
My companionis my transistor radio. If I am not singing praises, I will listen
to radio or watch TV. Before you know it, it would be night and I would sleep
off and wake up the next morning," she says.
Five years down, Oyetayo says she is
still not used to the fact that she is a widow, saying she would not wish the
condition for her worst enemy.
"I was traumatised for a long
time. I went through a lot of psychological and emotional pain. But God has
been there. It is His grace that has been sustaining me. Being a widow is
something you will not wish your worst enemy. I thank God anyway."
Thirty-year-old
shares her experience
Oyetayo's story is not different
from that of 30-year-old Ibienne Ekile, (not real names), a Rivers State banker
based in Lagos.