2012 Hot Jokes!

A huge bush meat

By The Incredible DJ Mike Williams. A man was traveling in his car along Ughelli-Asaba express road. He sited a huge bush meat hanging on a stick and decided to buy it. He stopped and priced; Madam, how much is your bush meat?. The woman replied;  Oga na N7000.  The man exclaimed; Haba madam, e too cost na, how much you go sell am last?.  The woman said; Oga, bring 6,500. The man then said; Ok, go put am for inside my boot. The woman went behind the car saying in her mind; If this man open the boot, I go drop the bush meat for ground go collect my money.  Immediately the boot was open, the woman put the bush meat on the ground and closed the boot without putting the bush meat inside, the man speed off without paying the woman.  Now the  Question is,  Who is smarter?  Who is the bad GUY? ------------------------------------------  'MISSISSIPI'! By Hybrid Obi - Nigeria 2 Italian men boarded a bus in UK. They sat down and engaged in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignored them at first, but her attention was galvanized when she heard one of them say the following: Emma come first. Den I come. Then two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.' The lady couldn't take it anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!" She retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!" 'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex, I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'MISSISSIPI'!

5 Unforgettable Affairs

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
---------------------------------
The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "! Not this time!"
------------------------------------------

2012 matured jokes.

MEN NEVER LISTEN

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA</ FONT> , PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.'

DONT_CRY_FOR_ME_NIGERIA

Exotic dance steps...

Makossa steppings... 

 

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Rapping Flight Attendant!

Human water fountain?

2011: 'Crack' ya ribs with Jokes!

USING CODE NAMES AT HOME

Sent by Hiyab Tsegay - Eritrea  

"A Husband and his wife agreed that anytime they want to have sex, they will call it a 'PHONE CALL' so that the kids will not decode.
One day, the husband sent his son to tell his mother that
he wanted to make a phone call.
Mother replies: Tell your father that the Network is bad today.
Husband: Tell your mother that if there is no Network at home, I will go to the "Public Phone".
Wife sent back, tell your father that if he dares go to a Public Phone, then I will open a " Call Center " at home."
_____________________

An Italian Mother

Sent by Hiyab Tsegay - Eritrea  

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son, Anthony, for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother could not help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.  Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.  Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I have been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.  You do not suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I will email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear mama,

I am not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I am not saying that you "did not" take it.  But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama

This days, everything is ‘LESS’

-Afrisonet.

Our  communication - Wireless
Our  dress - Topless
Our  telephone - Cordless

Our  cooking - Fireless
Our  youth - Jobless
Our  food - Fatless

Our  labour - Effortless

Our  conduct - Worthless
Our  relation - Loveless
Our  degrees  - Useless
Our  attitude - Careless

Our  feelings - Heartless

Our  politics - Shameless
Our education - Valueless

Our follies -  Countless
Our  arguments - Baseless
Our Job - Thankless
Our Bosses - Bossless
Our Salary - Very less
Our emails - useless

just to make you think over again about that 2010 resolutions you made.

Husband & Wife-ly jokes!

Sent by Hiyab Tsegay - Eritrea

Husband:  Do you know the meaning of WIFE?

                 It means, Without Information, Fighting Every time!

      Wife:  No darling, it means,

                With Idiot For Ever

------------------------------------        

      Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,

               So I'd be in your hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,

                So I could have a new one everyday.

--------------------------------    

Doctor:  Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping Pills.

   Wife:  When must I give them to him?

Doctor:  They are for you

-------------------------------      

   Wife:     I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.

Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.

------------------------------

Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it.

                So I bought 3 movie tickets.

      Wife:  Why Three?

Husband: For you and your parents

----------------------------       

      Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest?

Husband: A lovely Push...!!!

--------------------------        

Question: What is the most effective way to remember your wife's birthday?

  Answer: Just forget it once and you will never forget it again

 -------------------------  

    After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,

    You know, I was a fool when I married you.

    The husband replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice

A nice thought

-Afrisonet

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant
bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom.
They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed
her father and placed some thing in his hand,
..Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the
father by the bride.

The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were
on him to divulge the secret and say something.
So he announced "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest
day of my life." Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him
and continued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to
me."
The whole audience including priest started laughing.......... but
not the poor groom!

My Next Life

By woody Allen

In my next life I want to live backwards

You start out dead and get that out of the way
Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day.
you get kicked out for being too healthy go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day.
you work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement
You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school.
then go to primary school You become a kid, you play, You have no responsibilities, become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxirious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then, Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!.

I rest my case

A Child's Prayer

"Please send  clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer......

Amen" !!! 

Techno jokes !!

Marriage Software

This is what a guy wrote to our systems analyst
(Marriage Software Division):
Dear Systems Analyst,
I am desperate for some help! I recently upgraded my program from
Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected
Child Processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable
resources.
This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0
installs itself into all other programs and launches during systems
initialization and then it monitors all other system activities.
Applications such as 'Boys' Night out 2.5' and 'Golf 5.3' no longer
run, and crashes the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate
selected 'Saturday Rugby 6.3' always fails and 'Saturday Shopping 7.1'
runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst
attempting to run any of my favorite applications. Be it online or offline.
I am thinking of going back to 'Girlfriend 7.0', but uninstall
doesn't work on this program. Can you please help?

..... AND THIS IS WHAT OUR ANALYST SAID:

Dear Customer,
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding
of the functions of the Wife 1.0 program. Many customers upgrade from
Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1..0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITY
AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM. Actually, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM
designed by its Creator to run everything on your current platform.

You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back
to Girlfriend 7.0, as Wife 1.0 was not designed to do this and it is
impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the
System once it is installed.
Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have
ended up with even more problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child
Support and Solicitors' Fees).
Having Wife 1.0 installed, I recommend you keep it Installed and deal
with the difficulties as best as you can. When any faults or problems
occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the..... C:\
APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE Program and avoid attempting to use the
*Esc-Key for it will freeze the entire system.
It may be necessary to run C:\ APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE a number of
times, and eventually hope that the operating system will return to
normal. Wife 1.0, although a very high maintenance programme, can be very
rewarding. To get the most out of it, consider buying additional
Software such as 'Flowers 2.0' and 'Chocolates 5.0' or 'HUGS\ KISSES 600.0'
or 'TENDERNESS\UNDERSTANDING 1000.0' or even Eating Out Without the Kids
7.2.1' (if Child processing has already started).
DO NOT under any circumstances install 'Secretary 2.1' (Short Skirt
Version) or 'One Nightstand 3.2' (Any Mood Version), as this is not a
supported Application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly
CRASH.

...serious jokes!

Hard Facts

By Hiyab Tsegay - Eritrea

Take a Cigar daily - You will die 10 years early.

 Drink Rum daily - You will die 30 years early.

 Love Someone Truly - You will die daily.

 A foolish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells

 her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.

Three FASTEST means of Communication :

 1. Tele-Phone

 2. Tele-Vision

 3. Tell a Woman 

Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANYONE... 

_________________________________

Chinese names changed

A Chinese family of 5 , named Chu, Bu, Hu, Su and Fu

decided to immigrate to the United States.  

In order to get a visa,  they had to adapt their names to American standards.

Chu became Chuck.   

Bu became Buck. 

Hu became Huck. 

Fu and Su decided to stay in China.

______________________________________

Handful of peanuts


A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied,
'We just love the chocolate around them.'
___________________________

The fireman
The fireman comes home and tells his wife:
In the quarter we have an excellent system. When playing the first add-on siren is for in teams, with the second siren, then, down the column and climb down to the third siren, Tank Truck and out.
 So, from today, when I say "first horn" strips the clothes, "the second siren" going to bed and "third siren" make love.
The next day the fireman comes home and shouts: "the first siren," the woman takes the clothes, then shouts "second siren" the woman lie down in bed and finally shouts "third siren" and begin to make love.
After few minutes the woman shouted "fourth siren" and the fireman exclaimed:
What the hell is this "fourth siren?
And the woman says:
Conduct more hose because the fire is far!
_______________________

Did the priest lie?
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her:
Woman: "Father, may I ask a favor?"
Priest: "Of course. What may I do for you?"
Woman: "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me.... Under your robe perhaps?"
Priest: "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
Woman: "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

Custom Officer: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
Priest: "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.
The official thought this answer strange.
Custom Officer:
"And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
Priest: "I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Custom Officer: (Roaring with laughter, said) "Go ahead, Father." Next!

Now... truly, did the priest lie?

...some Jokes

Who said men CAN'T think quickly!!!

A husband and wife were travelling by car from Johannesburg to Cape Town. After a tiresome long distance of travelling, they were too

tired to continue. They stopped at a nice hotel and took a room and planned to sleep for four hours and get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk charged them R750. The man exploded and demanded the reason for such a high price.

The clerk told him R750 was the standard rate. The man asked to speak to  the Manager.

The Manager listened to the man and explained the hotel had an Olympic sized pool and a huge conference centre, and they featured spectacular shows available to the clients. "The best entertainers from Jo' burg, Cape Town, Durban perform here, " he explained. No matter what facility the Manager mentioned, the man replied, "But we didn't use  it!"

"Well, it was here, so you could have" replied the manager. 

"But we didn't!!" exclaimed the now rather angry man.

The manager was unmoved, and finally the man gave up and agreed to pay. He wrote a cheque and gave it to the manager. The manager was

surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But sir," he said," this cheque is made out for only R200!"

"That's right," said the man," I charged you R550 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaimed the manager. 

"Well," the man replied, "She was here, and you could have." 

                                                                   

  'Happy Birthday, buddy!'        

'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

        'Yes What can I do for you?'

        'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs , but he's hidin' it there.'

        'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

        The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but; find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

         Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

        'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'  'Yeah!'

        'Did they chop your firewood?'

         'Yep!' 

         'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

__________________________

DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,

 walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,

 "I would like to buy some cyanide."

 The pharmacist asked, "Why in this world do you need cyanide?"

 The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

 The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed,

 "Lord have mercy! I cannot give you cyanide to kill your husband. That is against the law! I will lose my license!

 They will throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.

 ABOSOLUTELY not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

 Guess what happened!

Guess what happened!

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

"Well now, that's different. You did not tell me you had a prescription.

 __________________________________

Mississippi

Sent by Armanda Delgado - Portugal

A bus stop and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.



The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:


"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one last time."


The lady can't take this any more,
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly.


"In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.


"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.


"Who talkin'about a sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '."
__________________________________

MARITAL FEED BACK

Sent by Yodit Arefaine - Eritrea

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters and they were all getting

married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit

worried about how their sex life would get started, she made

them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with

a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Nakuru two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.

It said: "Good till the last drop."

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter..

The second girl sent the card from Mombasa a week after the wedding and the card read:

"Benson & Hedges".

Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes and

she read from the Benson & Hedges pack:

"Extra Long. King Size."

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon to Kakamega.

Mom waited for a week, nothing.

Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.

Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words " Kenya Airways."

Mom took out her latest Standard Newspaper Classified pages, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for KQ. The ad said:

"Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."!!!

Mom fainted...

___________________________

How to ask your Boss for a salary increase..?

Sent by Armanda Delgado - Portugal

One day an employee sends a letter to Her boss asking for an increase in her  salary!!!     
Dear Bo$$   

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
 
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
 
Your$ $incerely,
 
 Marian $hih

 The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply:
  
Dear Marian
 
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet...
 
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
 
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
   
Yours truly,
Manager

A Test of Fidelity

Sent by Kouassi Etien - Cote D'Ivoire

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me.

It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less.

One day "little sister" called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top, she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and quickly headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car ??

'WORK' alert !

Sent by Armanda Delgado - Portugal

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Re-booster (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately disclose this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.